URGENT - in-laws

[WorthyMintQuail]

I need someone’s help with this and your views of situation…

My child has been in out of hospital since the age of 9 months and consequently she has missed three out of the five birthdays as she’s been in hospital. This time round, we had a birthday party for her at a play centre.

Rewind slightly… my SIL is a cake maker and usually makes cakes for my kids for birthdays etc. this time round she never reached out to ask about what we wanted etc. We arent ones to ask or assume so went else for the cake. (One of my friends)

Fast forward to party day. It was a scooby doo themed party. I did everything myself and bought everything myself with the help of the husband the day before with party bags. My MIL comes into the party room which is in separate room from the play centre and starts asking me questions about the cake such as “who did the cake”, “why did you go to her for the cake” “what flavours are the cakes”. Questions that were odd to me, I turned round and answered said questions and also said “they don’t seem to of gone too well, as my SIL is ignoring me” to which she responded “are you surprised, we’re not exactly family. You didn’t include us in anything. You quite clearly don’t want us here”. I was dumbfounded. Anyway the disagreement kept going, I was getting upset, and my husband came in at this point, sticking up for me etc. Then my FIL comes in, same situation etc. Back and forth, back and forth. Till he leaves the room, and walks past my mum calling me a drama queen. My mum said that he shouldn’t say that and to which he turned to my mum and said “you better keep out of it, if you know what’s good for you”. Now, my instinct was to tell him to get out and leave so that’s what I did. Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever. But I want to know other people’s views on this matter really?

It could be that something has come up and the OP has to meet them unexpectedly tomorrow.

Tbh I can understand why your SiL was a bit hurt, although my goodness you have a lot on with your ill child and she could have cut you some slack, but the whole in-law reaction seems OTT up until your FIL threatened your mother, at which point bridges were burned.

Realistically they sound unable to be reasonable or to know how to behave civilly, so expecting to be able to talk it out tomorrow seems unlikely.

I think all you can do is channel an Ice Maiden and stay calm, cold and civil but be prepared to leave. Only if you got an unreserved apology from your FiL could anything improve.

Well, they're batshit and rude, what else can one say? You did the right thing asking them to leave when they were rude to your mum. I'm glad your DH is supporting you. (FWIW, ex FIL was horrible to my mother - regularly, but there was one particular incident where I regret to this day that I didn't demand he leave her house immediately.)

I am also really sorry to hear about your child. It's awful when they're in hospital for any length of time, let alone over such a long period. It must be really hard and draining for you, and a normal person would understand that and be helpful, not expect you to beg them for cake. A caring SIL would call you and ask how your child was and if you had any plans for their birthday, tell you they'd love to make a cake, if you wanted them to etc.

Tbh, you've got too much to worry about in your life without burdening yourself with their weird expectations. I wouldn't bother interacting with them at all moving forward.

I was going to post similar. It would be a cold day in hell before I spent time in the company of someone who called me a drama queen and made what sounds like a threatening comment to my dm.

If its something you feel you'd attend, I'd be pleasant and non committal and avoid any drama if possible. And leave dh to manage his relationship with his family.

I hope your dd is well and that she enjoyed her birthday.

It’s all really petty tbh. If this is just a one off then I’d let it go but if this is constant drama all the time I would be grey rocking them.

You stick up for yourself - you've done nothing wrong. She didn't mention the cake so you didn't like to be presumptious. I agree with the previous posters who said your husband should be dealing with this.

That's really sad. Did you not stand up for your mother?

Well you didn’t say that did you? Hence the confusion. You are in the wrong, not the posters pointing out why the urgency. You left out a crucial point.

Perhaps the same confusion led to cake gate. All could have been avoided if you had sent SIL a text saying ‘Emily wants a Scooby Doo cake this year. Do you reckon that is something you could do? Happy to pay you the going rate. If you’re too busy, let me know as I have a friend that can possibly do it. Let me know. Xx

If your SIL always makes cakes for the children then I can see why she'd be upset. You or DH should have spoken with her even if just to say you were going elsewhere for a cake.

Your FIL threatening your DM like that and calling you a drama queen is the major issue here. How bloody dare he! I would not be visiting and being civil if they had spoken to my DM like that.

How long ago did this happen?

They started a row at your child’s birthday party and threatened your mum. Hell would freeze over before I met up with them, so no, you’re definitely not over reacting.

If you really, absolutely have to see them, I would acknowledge them but nothing more. Icy politeness is the way to go. If they bring it up, pick up your child, tell them that this is not the time or the place, and walk out. Or, if your child is not there and it is a suitable place, just keep repeating that SiL didn’t offer to make the cake, they over reacted completely, if their son hasn’t chosen to involve them more, then they need to take it up with him, not you, and that you’re not prepared to discuss it any further unless they want to start the conversation with a bloody giant apology. Both for having a tantrum at the party and for threatening your mum. Until then, they can fuck right off.

Meeting them? About what happened? Or generally a meet up? I think you all should be considerate towards each other, they have missed out on their granddaughters birthdays and wanted to be more involved...you waited for them to approach and they thought you will ask them... clearly feelings have been hurt both sides...but what you all must remember the important person is your daughter here...for her sake just let it all go with a sincere apology and set some boundaries,your Fil had no right to speak to your mother like that. He needs to apologise to her and you.

It all seems quite dramatic of everyone to be honest. Why were you able to ask someone else to make you a cake but you couldn’t ask your in laws?

Touché Wilfred.

It is a bit weird not to ask SIL if she’s always been kind enough to do it.

Who the hell makes that sort of a scene at a kids birthday party fgs! Especially in your situation with your little girl having missed birthdays, been in hospital etc I'm sure you wanted it to be special and they sound like they ruined that :(
They sound like a toxic immature bunch of idiots.
We are no contact with most of DH's family and even they aren't THAT bad.
I wouldn't want those sort of people in my life relatives or not! Did your DH not step in and sort them out??

Why are you meeting with them?

Unless it’s them wanting to apologise to you.

If In-laws kicked off at my child’s birthday party and threatened my mother there’s not a cat in hell’s chance I would ever speak to them again.

GROW A BACKBONE!

Ignore the snarkers, they’re just bored. I think you should cut contact with these horrible people, you clearly have enough stress to cope with without their histrionics. You aren’t obliged to source all of your cakes from SIL for the rest of your natural life ffs, how preposterous. And he threatened your mum - that’s a perfectly valid “last straw” right there. Fuck ‘em off. If your DH still wants to see them he can do so away from you.

Why are you meeting them OP. What’s the occasion?

regarding the initial posts - I don’t think you made it clear in your OP that you were seeing them tomorrow, hence the urgency.

urgent on here usually means a medical emergency or domestic abuse concerns etc. so to find out it’s about a birthday cake is why people responded like they did. I’m assuming you left it out as you’re feeling stressed and worried.

this is why I ask why are you seeing them. Do you have to? If my FIL had threatened my mum like that I’d be wary.

how long since cake-gate? Has your partner spoken to them since?

I’d also be telling dh that he backs me whatever I say or we are done.

im not having anyone be rude to my mum.

The in-laws have zero defence. To. The. Bin.

I think it makes a difference if the cake was free or not!

If SIL makes it as a gift, contrary to some other posters, I think it’s reasonable to ask another cake maker to make the cake as it’s pretty rude and entitled to be asking for a free cake.

If your SIL makes them for a family and charges, then I think you probably should have asked her or explained why you weren’t going to ask her to make a cake this time. For example, my child wanted a cake just like one she’d seen that my friend made. Having said that, if your SIL has always reached out to you and asked what type of design you want etc (which you imply in your post), then I think it’s reasonable to assume she’s busy, has forgotten or cannot make the cake for some reason.

Your IL are rude and there’s no need to behave like that. It’s only a cake!!! So dramatic. Or maybe there’s more either back history or something you don’t know about.

I guess it’s up to you how you behave tomorrow. You can only control your actions and thoughts, not theirs. So you need to decide whether you let it go as a one-off or reduce contact. I guess it depends on what they are like normally and if this is typical behaviour or more unusual.

I think I’d discuss it with DH and get him to message his parents in advance of meeting, and explain that SIL normally asks what cake my child wants etc but didn’t this time so we assumed she was unable to make the cake. Get him to say that they were rude especially talking to your DM. State she’s/he’s your child and it is reasonable to set up the room
yourself. It was something you wanted to do as they’ve missed out on all these birthdays. State you either didn’t want anyone else involved for that reason or didn’t know they wanted to help and they should have said (whatever is correct). Say there’s a lot of incorrect assumptions, and it’s caused an awful lot of upset. Tell DH that IL need to mend some bridges!

if IL think they are right then nothing will help anyway. If IL are reasonable people and don’t want to miss out on GC’s future birthdays then hopefully a message might make them think (and apologise).

All the people saying 'you should have let SIL do the cake' nobody is obligated to have a certain person make a cake every time! Yes SIL might feel abit put out but it's not a given right and as adults it shouldn't cause a petty argument.
Maybe you just wanted your friend to have a chance at getting the gig this time....nothing wrong with that.

My in laws beleive I have joined THEIR family, and we have a great amount of conflict becuase I do not beleive this. My family is myself, DP, DS1, DS2. My parents are my parents, they are not members of my "family" they do not participate in family business. DP recently got complaints because we didn't involve his parents in our house purchase , "that's something you're supposed to do as a family" we did, our family all went to the house and DP and i agreed and did it together, as a family, no one else required, despite them not currently speaking to us (or us them, I don't even know I'm just done bowing down to them, and they're waiting for us to come grovel). Every decision we make without consulting them results in a lecture. Personally, our solution is to move further away, and have much firmer boundaries. They'll either get used to it, accept it and enjoy our family, or they'll miss out. It's up to them, I'm not bothered either way. I won't be visiting them in their house as its a case of them having the home advantage and "our house, our rules." You can visit my house and follow my rules, becuase at the end of the day, I don't follow other people's regarding the parenting of my own children, no matter where I am.

We have had big bust ups though over the years, they have said and done very cruel things and we have done alot of grovelling. It has had a big impact on both of ours mental health's and our relationship and our enjoyment of our child's birth. I am so done, like done done.

I wouldn't have approached SIL about the cake if it wasn't brought up by SIL herself, either. Just because she has always done in it the past, doesn't mean she wants to keep doing it every year, ongoing.
Your FIL sounds pretty horrible.

Why were you waiting for SIL to reach out if she usually is happy to make them? Surely a simple 'are you able to make an x cake for x's birthday? Competely understand if you're busy/tied up' etc etc would have sufficed in this situation. Is there a back story?

If I was SIL I probably would have been slightly offended, and your only defence is you didn't want to assume. But irrespective, your in laws are being childish and precious, and your FIL was out of order to your DM. I would struggle to get past that.