DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Although it's hard for her to be disappointed, she does need to learn her behaviour has consequences.
She sounds very reactive. So looking into supporting her with her behaviour, mindfulness/ activities thar calm and soothe her would be much mlre productive than complaining about teachers following through on their warning.

They are making the right call. She needs to spend time reflecting on this. I am surprised by your view OP. No matter who causes the row, storming off and having a tantrum is not acceptable on a school trip, ever.

Maybe take this experience to teach your daughter a lesson about being a brat and what position she’s putting her teachers in when she behaves like this, they’ve been left responsible for her and she’s putting their jobs at huge risk.

You sound just as entitled as her thinking you have a leg to stand on arguing your case with the school.

Sorry however upsetting for her I think the staff are right. They can’t be sure they’ll be able to keep her safe.

Absolutely do not complain. I wouldn't even take her on a trip to the local museum! You cannot expect them to take on the responsibility of taking her with a history of not following rules and then placing herself in unsafe situations.
I am actually surprised they refunded any money at all. It isn't the school's fault that she can't go.

The school is 100% in the right. She can’t be trusted to behave and do what’s asked of her by the teachers. Why should they put themselves in a position where a child in their care might run off?
Your daughter needs to learn from this but she won’t if you don’t support the schools decision.

Imagine being the teacher responsible for her? Fuck that. You want her to go on the trip then you offer to go too and you watch her and manage her when she strops off in a strange city. Such fun.

I wouldn’t let her go even if the school were happy, she isn’t safe to go. I’m not an authoritarian parent and it wouldn’t be about punishment, it would be about safety. She isn’t mature enough.

What on earth would you be complaining about?

Your daughter fucked around and found out. It’s a good lesson for her.

Being cheeky to teachers and wandering off are not acceptable reactions to arguments with peers. There is a veery high chance she will not follow instructions and it isnt safe to take her. It is a safety issue more than a punishment.

Support your dd on how to handle issues better. Call you, distance herself from people who are causing problems, scream into a pillow, call them out and cut ties.

Being rude to teachers not on. Wandering off or not following instructions is unsafe. Tbh I wouldnt havs been allowing her to go anyway even if the school did not because it "serves her right" but because she might be unsafe.

Have to be honest, if this was my DD she wouldn't have even been banned by the school, I'd have pulled the plug on the trip myself!

I agree with this.

I pulled ds from a trip when he was at school for having a bad attitude towards me when he was around 14, thinking he was the cock of the walk and everything was beneath him. He got a sharp reminder that actually, he was still a kid who had to follow home and school rules which were quite fair!

Admittedly the trip was something like Alton Towers but his behaviour was no where near as bad as your dd.
He was devastated but he was told tough, thats what happens if you behave like an entitled brat. He was also told the world doesn't owe him nice things for no reason. I had a tricky few weeks with him leading up to the trip where he was resentful towards me but so what.

Sure your dd will be disappointed but nothing bad is going to happen to her because she misses a trip.

Your first question should surely be why on earth does your daughter behave like this??

Wow.

What exactly would you be complaining about?

She had a chance-very generous in my opinion-and blew it.
Poor teachers having to deal with a student like this.

Maybe it's the lesson she needs but I think the Head, and DH, exactly right.

Maybe if her actions had had consequences up to now she might take them seriously.
But I suspect her actions generally don't have consequences.

I think I'd take a hard look now about how her poor behaviour is dealt with.
Instead of complaining you should be apologising.

It absolutely serves her right and is a natural consequence of her actions.

You need to have the school's back on this.

And you need to teach your daughter not to walk off - it's bloody dangerous. When she's out drinking with friends in a few years, it could put her in some very dangerous situations.

The school is 100% right here.

Your daughter is learning a life lesson. Please don't try to undermine it.

It would be very miserable for the other kids and teachers if she were selfish enough to do this whilst they were overseas. The school have judged her too risky and that's because of her own behaviour.

She now needs to own her behaviour and reflect.

sorry but they can’t have a child who walks off and doesn’t follow instruction in New York. She is old enough to learn actions have consequences.

Use it as a learning tool. She can’t go, tantrums and tears can’t change that. However maybe offer a similar trip in a years time depending on certain goals being met (less screen time, better manners, whatever you think is needed). She now knows that actions have consequences

This. She isn’t a little kid anymore. Actions have consequences and the sooner you teach her this the sooner she will start behaving in an appropriate way. Time to put your big girl pants on and parent

She's had enough warnings and now finding out the hard way
Cant believe you're even suggesting complaining to the school tbh

Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.who says it was clear? Staff or your opinion?
itll be stressful enough for staff never mind the thought of this level of behaviour in the USA at the moment!

Are you kidding me? YABU.

Can you imagine being a teacher responsible for a teenager whose go-to solution for arguments is to run off? New York is massive, dangerous and unfamiliar. Who would want to spend their holiday time freaking out about a lost student who has form for this sort of thing? Not to mention the things that could happen to her in NYC on her own. It's not at all like the UK!

The school has made the right choice albeit a tough lesson for your DD to learn.
Taking a group of students to a foreign country is tricky. You don't want to take anyone with you that you have doubts about.
And it doesn't sound as if your DD is emotionally ready for this kind of trip, by not taking her they are protecting her although it may not feel like it at moment.

Don't be so ridiculous. The school is being completely reasonable.

It doesn't just cause stress for the teachers but everyone on the trip. The pupils have to wait until she is found before doing their activities etc. Id be really pissed off if I'd spent lots of money on a trip with limited places and part of the time was spent waiting to find your dd who had ran off from precious trips
These are the consequences of her actions. She's had chances and blown every one of them
Dont complain school and your dh are right

This is a really good thing for her, OP. (And, perhaps a wake-up call for you too?)