DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Complaining will have absolutely no effect anyway, they’ve made their decision.

The School and your Husband are correct.

In New York, that risk is huge, and staff can’t split their attention from the rest of the group. I’d focus on helping her rebuild trust and learn calmer ways to deal with conflict, then plan a family trip another time.

The school has followed through on what they said they’d do if your daughter wasn’t able to demonstrate acceptable behaviour and manage her feelings without huffing off.

How if someone ‘provoked’ her at the airport and she took off? Would the whole group miss their plane, or just your daughter and whoever is the poor sod tasked with finding her? When you enter the US the process at Border Control is a lengthy one, with stern people asking lots of questions - how if she took umbrage at that? That’s before you even get out of the airport - and then, have you SEEN the state of affairs within the US at the moment? I certainly wouldn’t want to be in charge of someone who is known to disappear when things don’t go her way.

These are the kinds of issues the school will have considered when making their completely reasonable decision not to take your daughter on the trip. And you should be supporting them. This trip is a luxury most people will not have available to them, and it rightly comes with expectations of acceptable behaviour that your daughter has chosen not to display. You can thank the school for teaching her that her behaviour has consequences.

I don’t blame them at all. I can’t believe you’re even thinking of complaining. She gets annoyed and she walks off!! Imagine if they hadn’t found her? I’m sure you’d be up in arms then. Provoked or not she can’t just wander off. Actions have consequences and she needs to learn that sharpish. Tough

Sadly no , actions have consequences . She has form for bad behaviour and the teachers ( quite rightly ) do not want to have responsibility for her whilst she is far away from home . If she misbehave when far away , you can't hardly go and get her can you ?
Also if she goes missing and can't be quickly located ( or worse ) who would you blame .
I'm with the teachers and your husband .

The teachers on these trips arent 1-1, there's a few staff and loads of pupils. If your daughter cant follow the rules then safety of others shouldnt be risked while the teacher runs round trying to find her

OP, imagine you’d taken someone else’s DC to France and they were rude to you, don’t follow your instructions, made life incredibly difficult to the point where you had to call their parents to get them to tell the child to behave.

Once back in the UK, you then took the same DC on a day trip and had a frightening hour or so desperately searching for them as they’d walked off after a row with your DC and weren’t answering their phone.

Would you then invite that DC to NYC with you, knowing that it it went tits up again, you couldn’t just send the child home, you’d all have to fly home?

Get real. I doubt you’d even have that child to your house again, let alone take them on holiday 🙄

The school have been quite reasonable. She sounds very immature for 15 and I can understand why they don’t want to be responsible. She just walked off in the middle of the city on her latest field trip? What would happen if she does that in New York? To be honest I’d say you’re lucky to be getting your deposit back.

Your DH is correct if she doesn’t get the gravity of a genuine punishment then a life of falling out with people may follow. FIL was an obnoxious person and fell out with people all the time. Of course it was never his fault, sounds like your DD is in danger of becoming like him.

I'm on the schools side here. They have to risk assess and having a child "walk off in the middle of the city" is absolutely ridiculous and would've caused them a lot of stress! She clearly cannot regulate, or manage peer relationships well. If she can't be trusted to integrate and behave appropriately, then no way would they want the responsibility of her in another country and I can't blame them!

Maybe you and the school need to step up and find out what's actually going on for her, she sounds quite chaotic.

Haha almost typing the same remark at the exact time l

I'm with the school on this one. She's not demonstrated she can be a responsible student. This is on her for walking away each time. The school must have had a meeting on her behaviour, the decision has not been taken lightly.

I know this is tough for you to see your daughter upset, but poor behaviour has consequences.

Oh and I would add, if you complain to the school about this, you are not sticking up for daughter, you are failing her. She needs to learn actions have consequences and take responsibility. You kicking up a fuss undermines that.

Consequences.

No, it's a lesson in actions having consequences.! Would you really be happy with your dd wandering NY after a tantrum?

No. This isn’t even punishment - it’s risk. She runs off in an unfamiliar city when she cannot regulate her emotions. The school would be negligent to take that risk - and why would they want to when they’ve given her a chance?

support her in working on her response to this. But you’d be doing her a disservice to fight the school on it and not understanding the consequence

Your daughter needs to learn emotional regulation.

Running away on a school trip, when she is presumably a teenager, shows an extreme lack of resilience and self-control.

You seem to think she was justified in her behaviour. This may explain why she feels justified in not controlling herself.

Jesus. Imagine taking the time to go with someone else’s child to a foreign country that’s literally, politically on fire just now.

Regardless of her awful behaviour and complete disregard for the teaching staff, her fellow pupils and their safety AND the boundaries that were put in place and clearly stated.

There are consequences for her actions and this is it.

Be her parent here, respect the teachers and by letting her miss out, it might help improve her situation as well as secure the longevity of these incredible opportunities for all pupils moving forward.

After your description of her behaviour under the care of others, I wouldn’t even take her to Tesco let alone abroad. ESP to the US.

At least her DF is setting a good example to her.

There’s nothing to complain about.
Your husband is right.

Team School all the way. Would you want to be the teacher responsible for a teenage girl who is prone to go AWOL at any time, in one of the busiest cities in the world? Your DD needs to grow up

Absolutely no complaint. It would be unreasonable to expect teachers to take on this responsibility when your DD has behaved as she has. What if she walked off in New York? Then the complaint would be that they hadn’t kept her safe.
I don’t think the issue to focus on is your DD going to New York. Instead, I think the thing to work out is why she behaves like this. It sounds like there’s maybe some element of emotional disregulation that maybe she needs help with. Anyway, just something to consider x

This was also my first thought on reading your post @Chickenwinger

Secondly, how do you think she is going to manage in the world of work if this is her behaviour and attitude to reasonable instructions and warnings that her behaviour needs to improve.

My autistic 9 year old storms off from activities when angry: that’s why he has to have a 1 to 1 TA with him at all times, who is trained to safely restrain him if needed. This is not a small thing.

Storming off from the teachers like that puts her at risk, means teachers have to follow her (potentially into dangerous neighbourhoods/situations), means the whole group has to wait and miss their planned activities.

If she can’t behave, then she can’t go. You would be doing her no favours at all to let her think the school has been mean or unreasonable here, she has to grow up and start behaving better or she will run into all kinds of difficulties as a young adult.