DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

No sign of the op. What a surprise. Probably still of the same opinion despite 40 pages telling her she’s bvvu

She sounds awful, school have absolutely done the right thing, imagine if she flounced off in NY and couldn’t be found. Also why would you reward her behaviour with a trip to NY. I wouldn’t want my child going on a trip with someone like that and I wouldn’t want to be responsible for her.

This is very wise. It's hugely upsetting for your Dd but you cannot risk her going awol, especially in the USA at present. Just not safe for her unfortunately.

The school is absolutely right, end of!!!

Staff can’t be worrying about whether she’s going to run off or ignore their instructions. As horrible as it is, it’s a life lesson learnt. Good for the school (sorry!).

She's gone to school to complain about its totally unreasonable behaviour...either that, or she's scouring the streets looking for her daughter.

Just adding as we’re now officially off topic - both my kids are AuDHD (DD is asbergers end of the Au spectrum) both went on every school trip going - NY/Washington/Phili in Y11; skiing in Finland or Austria; the WW1/war graves trips to France/Belgium and also just jollies to Paris/Disney masquerading as a comp sci/tech conference… neither were flight risks or posed any issues with behaviour. Being ND MAY be an explanation for poor behaviour, but most ND kids behave as well and and as considerately as their NT peers on holidays and probably grew as much - if not more - in confidence and social skills as a result of the opportunities to travel without mum n dad… Except for the outward bounds trip to a well known centre in Scotland - my DD absolutely hated that one. Long face and selectively mute for the entire trip LOL.

Anyway, just positing that OP’s DD may just be a poorly behaved teen in need of firm parenting, not ND.

The school is absolutely correct to ban her.

P!ssing about in the USA can end very badly indeed.

I’ve run loads of school trips. There’s no way I would take someone who behaves like that anywhere, let alone a city 1/4 of the globe away!!!

She would disappear in an NYC crowd in minutes its safeguarding fair doesn't come in to it

Yeah. I wonder where the daughter gets the attitude from? 😃

Under current circumstances, I'm not sure I would agree to my DC going to the USA.

Yes 100% you need to pursue the school and thank them profusely for firstly being honest that they can't keep your daughter safe enough to take her on the trip. Which obviously given she walks off and is to big to have in a pushchair or on reigns, they clearly can't. Then you need to thank the profusely for paying you back, given the reason your child isn't going is because you haven't bothered to teach her not to behave like a two year old when things don't go her way.

I do agree to a point - my daughter is diagnosed add /asd and went on trips, but she was diagnosed, everyone understood, she received appropriate scaffolding, she had awareness of her triggers and strategies to use. I think it's very different if you undiagnosed and are failing to keep the masking up. Then it looks like bratish behaviour. I was so relieved when my daughter was diagnosed because she was getting a reputation for being a brat at her primary school. They didn't remotely understand.

Given the OP’s verdict of it being an overreaction and playing down her DD’s behaviours, I would put money on ND NOT being the issue here

I'm really surprised (and not a little disheartened) by the way some PPs leap to ND or SEN.

It seems to me that the OP's DD 's behaviour is just teen behaviour, and behaviour of a girl who hasn't been guided - or has ignored guidance given her - about the highs and lows of feelings, friendships, and disagreements with friends and adults. It reads like pretty typical teen drama, with a bit of defiance thrown in.

And so, she needs to learn there are consequences.

And even if she were ND/cognitively impaired she would still need to learn to cope with her feelings, and control her impulses.

How much more would yo like her to do? Go missing, get hurt, then that's the schools fault too?

I do hear you - I think I was just pushing back from the she ‘must be ND’ narrative as that tends to be a default position here.

My two both had lots of scaffolding - roomed with trusted a friend on each trip, had an allocated member of staff who was their main contact/key person and whose details were in their phones for emergencies and whom sent daily updates etc. The travel didn’t really happen until y6+ and my children were the freeze/shut down type outside the house withholding their meltdowns until as soon as they walked through the front door, which is possibly a blessing in hindsight.

No replies from OP? Did she think most people would agree with her?!

No. She isn’t mature enough, tough lesson for her. What if she goes into a strop and runs off, in NEW YORK?? The school are right to see her as a flight risk and assess accordingly.

She's a pain in the arse on trips. The teachers don't need it. Even a group of well behaved kids is stressful when abroad. She would not be safe behaving that way in NYC. She needs to learn that she is not entitled to everything, her behaviour has to earn things.

I think she would at least have expected 10% to side with her. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen nearly 40 pages/1000 replies that are so unanimously in agreement before.

I’m sure it is heartbreaking for her, and for you as her mum knowing she’s missing out on this opportunity, but unfortunately she has 100% brought this on herself.

If she walked off into a city on her own because she had a fall out with a friend, she is far too high a risk to take away to somewhere as massive and potentially dangerous as New York where she could do the same thing.

You need to back the school on this - big, big lesson learned for your dd.

I wouldn't be letting her go, even if school hadn't decided to cancel her place.
So no, I wouldn't be pursuing with school as a complaint.

She's a total liability and the school cannot take the risk of her storming off in NYC. Let this be a lesson to her to get her act together and stop the tantrums.