DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Recently retired teacher here.
100% no no no.
The responsibility of looking after a pupil outside school is migraine inducing, so stressful let alone half way across the world.
Can you imagine if she went missing in New York?
She's learnt a very valuable lesson, there are consequences to your actions.

Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible.

I think this is a fair concern. She has the opportunity to prove herself and she didn't.

Sorry OP you are considering complaining that your daughters school won’t allow her to do on an overseas trip to a very large busy city because she can’t follow the rules, has been warned about her behaviour and has done it more than once?

And we wonder why kids are so entitled …..:

Sounds fair enough TBF. She's showing she's not mature enough to go on these trips. Why should the teachers have added stress because of her behaviour?

The only thing I can think of to say here is: tough shit, it serves her right.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but parents like you are the reason we have so many spoiled, entitled people in circulation.

This is the consequence for her actions. Tough luck I say, maybe she will remember this next time she feels like behaving badly.

Not at all - for some time on residential trips the school have asked for permission for pupil's phone numbers to be stored on the mobile phone being used by staff for that trip (which isn't their personal phone, it's a school one) - they are wiped after the trip. It's absolutely sensible.

Absolutely not.

I didn’t let my kids out of my sight in New York, even for a second.

I wouldn’t even have enrolled her on the trip give her previous embarrassing behaviour.

Yes, I'm one of those teachers, or to clarify ..... recently retired teacher.
School trips are incredibly stressful, you're constantly on edge, constantly counting your group, constantly watching if anyone is wandering off.
Would I take this girl on a trip half way across the world to an incredibly busy city?
In one word, NO

It’s no wonder she is this way if you refuse to hold her accountable for her actions! Stop being her cheerleader and start being her leader.

I think it’s possible to sympathise with your very upset daughter and still think the school has made the right decision. I do feel for your DD, she’s a teenager and social relationships can be very fraught and painful at this age, it sounds like she struggles to regulate herself and goes into flight mode when she can’t cope. She will probably get better at this with a bit more maturation, but I’d consider some therapy for her to aid in understanding her own reactions and finding better strategies than running away. I think your DH saying “it serves her right” is unkind and unhelpful.

That said, the school staff really don’t have much choice but to cancel her place after repeated instances of her flying off the handle and bolting. If she does this in NYC - and there’s no reason to suppose she won’t fall out with her peers again - she will be in real danger. I would try and get her to understand how serious the consequences would be if she did this again - for her, for you, for her friends and for the school. Maybe with support she could see this huge disappointment as a turning point, because she really does need to find a less dangerous way of managing dysregulation. But for now, I would give her plenty of love and sympathy alongside the tough reality, rather than rubbing her nose in it (tell your DH to wind his neck in).

She sounds a total nightmare at the moment

I think the school have been v reasonable and kind

She had a clear boundary and a clear timeline and couldn't behave appropriately

Good on them.

*chilled

I do think schools can be heavy handed about stuff like this but she has had numerous opportunities to behave and she hasnt been able to. I dont think its relevant that she was provoked as imagine them having to try and find her somewhere in NY if she storms off in a mood. I can totally understand them not wanting to take that chance.

I honestly don't understand what you could complain about realistically.

What exactly is your complaint? This is one consequence of her behaviour. I hope that she is sad enough to learn from this event and adjust her attitude adequately.

I love that! Definitely going to be using that saying 🥰 for people who I can’t say FAFO to!

Me three.

Can't think of anybody more deserving for a trip where not only could kicking off and disappearing put her in huge danger from randoms, but where it could get her refused entry in the first place (kicking off at an immigration official) or on the wrong side of a member of law enforcement with a gun.

Oh, no, actually, I can - literally everybody else in the school.

Fuck around in NYC and she could find herself in hot water. Ds went to Washington DC with the school when he was 17. They were sent into town to a McDonald's and, unbeknownst to the teachers, it was in a very sketchy area and ds and his friends encountered several homeless druggies (with weapons) who pressured them for money and then chased them. Ds thought it was funny and they all survived, but wandering off in an unknown area in a different country can be dangerous.

Why on earth would you want your flighty daughter, who refuses to follow instructions from authority figures, to go to the US, where people are executed in the street for supposedly failing to follow instructions?!

As I suspected on page one…no sign of the op

FAFO

Chickenwinger
Your daughter is what we in my family call a 'bolter'
The instances you've given prove this
And I agree with the schools decision
This will hopefully make her realise that she just "can't go" when she feels upset.
For if she ran off in NY then something happened she literally be in another country.......

This. Your daughter needs to accept the consequences of her actions. Doesn’t come across well that you are taking your daughter’s side in this matter. The school have a duty to safeguard all of the children they are taking on that trip. Your child hasn’t shown the maturity required to be allowed to go. Work on that with her and hopefully there will be more trips in the future that she is able to attend. Don’t just brush this off as it’s clearly a pattern of behaviour, try and give your DD some coping strategies (if needed by drawing in a professional) to enable her to keep a calm head in situations like this. As an aside: swearing and being rude to school staff shouldn’t be tolerated at all, you should be mortified that your DD thinks it’s appropriate to do so. I would have read any of my children the riot act and drawn consequences at home if they behaved like that.