DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

Cooking and housework are flexible. You can do them when it suits and you can make it easier or harder.

Being the sole driver is restrictive. You have to take kids to clubs at certain times on certain days, which prevents you doing something else at that time. It means you can never have a drink when you're out. It requires you to be full on.
I got driving lessons that I didn't want, for my 17th birthday. My mum was sick of being the only driver, and as my dad refused to learn, as the eldest child I was primed to be an alternative chauffeur.

In hindsight, I'm grateful that she did that. I think it's much harder to learn (and find the money for it) as an adult.

Obviously DH should step up more in the house, but being the only one who cooks isn't such a tie. If you're not there, people can have a sandwich.

So she needs to make a deal with him: he pulls his weight 50:50 with house and childcare and she does a refresher driver course.

If he asks again why you don’t drive say the same reason you don’t cook. You start doing half the cooking I’ll start doing half the driving.

Quite!

also I feel a lot of people think driving is simply cruise control down an empty motorway — it really isn’t. It is, as a pp mentioned earlier in the thread, a case of navigating pedestrians, animals, junctions, managing speed, keeping safe, following the Highway Code, safely and correctly doing manoeuvres, maintaining your car, and also… dealing with the number of other car users on the road. It requires a great deal of concentration and cognition. Cruise control it is not!

Exactly.

Well lots of us don't feel that enthused about people who admit they have spatial difficulties being on the roads.

Lots of us don't find it a huge strain.

I realise this sounds a bit dramatic but the trouble with driving is that when I drive I am very aware that a wrong move (or an unlucky move from someone else) and I could kill us all. I drive past accidents and I do sometimes think about the split second decisions that ended up there that I am solely responsible for in our family. And that is actually quite a weight to have. It is not the same as the weight I have about cleaning the toilet or cooking pasta or chips.

This
I know people who seemingly take it for granted that they will be picked up /driven to places by their partners /husbands. I don't know any men who expect their partner to drive.
I always appreciate it when I am driven by someone else and certainly don't take it for granted.
When I started driving, I was scared of parking and reversing but had to practice and improve

Well, good for you? It is subjective. Clearly the OP does find it a strain, and I would be inclined to wonder what her DH feels too. Because that’s what matters.

Why don’t you become the OP’s new chauffeur if you find it such a breeze? 😂

Not to mention being saddled with all the chores you have to drive to do - take the cat to the vet, go to the tip, drop and pick up children, etc etc. Its a huge drain on time, yet that seems to be completely underestimated here.

I suspect this is very much your side of the story and you're always getting him to take the kids to clubs, get the shopping, drive on nights out, drive everyone to the doctor and dentists.....
And let's be honest, you have "decided" you're a bad driver. They don't give driving licences out like sweeties. They're strict. So you CAN do it, you just don't like to do it, which in this day and age is just not fair. Maybe ok if you live in a big big city, but anywhere other than inner city London in the UK it would be majorly impractical.

That’s true!

Take the kids to swimming lessons because the leisure centre isn't walkable...

Hahaha. Yes, do this!

I recently sold my car, so for the first time in my adult life, I’ve been ferried around solely by my husband and my mum… I really do feel like a bit of a burden to them. It’s fine if we are both going somewhere together, but for things like appointments or being picked up from the train station after work it’s a real pain.

Pick up elderly parents prescriptions, go and get that thing from Argos for Aunty Em, take the kids to the nearest city so they can spend their birthday money at the mall - the list goes on and on.

I think an important thing to remember is that the ability to drive can be taken away at any moment - for either of you. DH and I used to split the driving pretty equally, then I was diagnosed with epilepsy and haven't been allowed to drive for nearly 3 years (and counting). We're lucky DH drives.

Touch wood that'll never be relevant to you, but we never thought it'd be relevant to us! I think it's important that both parties are confident driving, just in case.

It is really very similar to sport.

Some people try very hard but never have the ability that others have effortlessly.

Practice will help, but it will never turn make a sportsman out of someone fundamentally uncoordinated.

It is a case of safety not "good for you" quips. People shouldn't be put under pressure to do something they feel they are incompetent at when it involves safety. It's like having a weak swimmer as a lifeguard.

My DH went through a period of panic attacks when driving and I had to do all the driving honestly it was super draining so I wonder if you’ve thought about extra lessons for driving

Honestly I couldn't live my life with someone who doesn't drive (making an exception for a medical ban).

But he sounds like a twat.

Prescriptions, taking things to the post office!! Even picking up the odd ingredients you’ve forgotten for cooking. I think it does depend on where you live as well. I appreciate it’s a bit easier if you’re in a big town or near a town or city centre…

As someone who’s never been a huge fan of driving, but has to suck it up every so often, you need to grow up.

I'm sure the op finds the housework quite a drain on time.

I’ve very gradually become an extremely anxious driver over the years (ever since moving to a busy city) and am trying to do something like this right now. Honestly not sure how long I’ll manage to keep it up though, because as soon as I get stressed out by something else I’ll probably let it slip! Worth a try though, and thankfully my DP is being very supportive. He has occasionally been quite irritated by the problem in the past but is glad I’m trying!