DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

Ideally I don't actually. But that isn't feasible and is a necessary stage in people who will make confident drivers getting confident.

However if someone isn't confident and knows it and can admit it, I don't think pushing them onto the road is a good idea.

Some people are natural cooks. Some aren't. They still improve with practice, but many stay rubbish. Same with singing. They can improve but still not so you really want to listen. I am not sure why driving is any different from so many other skills. People have different strengths.

I am an absolute wreck behind the wheel. I drive to work and back and have been doing the same route twice a day for 5 years. The drive is 12 minutes and I still get a pit in my stomach before I set offf. It has taken me half a decade to do the route without feeling like I am going to melt down. There are a few places local to me that take about 4 minutes to drive and I manage those but again after 5 years, my heart is thumping in my chest as I do it. Constant exposure has just about enabled me to do a handful of essential routes without sobbing behind the wheel.

I can't understand the mirror. It gives me very little information and I can't tell if I can change lanes. I can't tell if have enough to time to go at a roundabout because I can't judge how fast the other cars are going. I feel very overstimulated when I'm somewhere with lots of road markings on the ground and I can't understand where I'm supposed to be and what I'm meant to be doing.

My stress is like a hair trigger; the simplest thing will set me off. If a road user beeps at someone else, I will spiral very quickly and my body filla with adrenaline so much that I cannot think, I start shaking and I honestly feel like I'm going to lose my mind. If anything, I'm getting worse. I have for a few years wondered if I have dysplasia as I just don't seem to understand what I need to do. It's not that I'm held back by a lack of confidence; I lack confidence because my brain feels like it's going to break when I have to drive. It's like living somewhere and not understanding the language and feeling like nothing makes sense.

I passed my test 20 years ago after taking lessons for a very long time and failed many times. On the time I did pass, the examiner gruffly told me I had only just passed with the bare minimum marks. I had practised that route sometimes 3 times a week for months with my instructor and I remember him getting angry with me all the time because I was just never getting any better. I moved to a big city and didn't drive for 15 years and in that time had been a passenger in a car crash. On another occasion, my mother didn't know she had called me accidentally and I heard her telling my dad that I was a danger on the roads.

I absolutely hate myself for being like this. Absolutely. It kills me to feel so pathetic. I understand your feelings Oap but know that more practise isn't always the answer.

Sorry @JustineTim but I agree with this.

DH hated driving, and as he didn't need to drive anywhere over recent years (WFH or got the train) he just stopped, and basically forgot how to drive. The last time he drove he nearly knocked a pedestrian over on a zebra crossing. He has now totally lost confidence so we sold the car and replaced it with one that he has never driven and doesn't know how to drive because he showed no interest in learning how to drive a hybrid car.

And yes, I am pissed off with him about it. We used to share the driving on long trips, but that doesn't happen any more.

I now do all the driving, so I understand your husband's resentment.

The only way to get confidence is to practice, practice, practice. I think booking some driving lessons with an instructor is a good idea.

Jesus, you sound lovely.

I think it sounds like a plan🤔

Op I’ve more confidence driving that I do doing anything else because I’ve always had to drop and collect dh, do school runs, go to work or else visit my mum who’s nearly two hours away. I have friends who only have to do a single journey and they’re so nervous. There’s two ways of seeing it, you can make yourself drive more and gain/ hopefully gain confidence, or it could be (may not be but may be!) better that he drives because it’s just something you’re nervous about. It might be a huge bugbear of his/ he might be nervous but it was still mean

But the only way you improve is through practice. That is life. We were all learners once. There is a difference between avoidance because of a lack of confidence and just not wanting to. The only way you overcome your anxiety is to overcome the degree of avoidance that comes with it. This is resilience.

Yes, this is similar to @Pallisers comment and I think it is sensible.

I also bet it doesn't last long.

Sorry but your DH sounds like he was being really mean. I don’t drive after being in a coach crash abroad while I was a teenager where the coach overturned while on a motorway due to the driver falling asleep at the wheel. I have had lessons and still hope one day to overcome this but I get so nervous and constantly have replays of crashing if I’m behind the wheel. This distracts me and I get flustered. I get buses and tube everywhere though with my two kids. My DH does have to drive us places and drop the kids but luckily he’s understanding. I have better memory than him so I organise a lot more admin to do with the kids and I also do most of the DIY/house renovations (we just moved) as he doesn’t enjoy it. It’s all about balance, it’s pointless him resenting you for something that’s your right to choose, provided you’re pulling your weight in other ways.

No one gets more confident driving while they are avoiding doing it. Its not rocket science.

I used to get out of the car shaking from head to foot. But I knew I had to do it, so I did. And kept doing it. And doing it. Now I can drive anything, anywhere.

Maybe its time you did start shaming him then. He clearly believes it is an acceptable form of communication, as he did it to you. And do it about everything.

Cooking, shopping, life admin, kids stuff, washing, cleaning.....everything you do that he doesnt lift a find with.

Make it crystal clear that when and only when he is doing 50/50 of the housework will you do 50/50 of the driving.

Frankly he should be doing his share and the fact that he isnt is utterly pathetic, and yet I bet he considers himself an equal partner?

Not everyone improves sufficiently with practice to be good at certain things. That was my point.

Absolutely,if there's nothing to it, op should be driving then!

This could have been written by me. I can drive, really well apparently (and I agree) I can anticipate drivers moves a mile off so I'm really safe but not overly cautious but boy I can't park for shit! I'm exaggerating I can parallel park if I think no ones watching and can try again a few times I can reverse bay park amazing but forward it all turns to shit.
And that's fine, all it means is I research where I'm going and plan my parking(sometimes mean we park way further away than my partner might) but we get there and everyone's alive. I'm happy and anyone in my car who's not can drive themselves next time!

Decades ago I had about 5 or 6 refresher lessons because I'd passed my test at 18 and then hadn't driven for 12 years until I got my own car.
The refresher lessons were invaluable, I drove my own car and the instructor took me to places like the far edge of a supermarket carpark where she taught me how to reverse into a parking space, we drove on the motorway and dual carriageways and in the dark etc. I got my confidence and have driven hundreds of thousands of miles since.

I could not be in a relationship with someone who chose not to drive( unless for medical reasons). It's essential where I live as the public transport is rare to nonexistent and only goes to the city centre, so a car journey of half an hour could take about 5 or 6 hours on a bus, even if there was a bus. Why should one person have the load of always having to drive and never being able to share? It also smacks of weaponised incompetence, it's the same as men who say they can't cook or use the washing machine, of course they could if they tried, same with driving, it's just operating a machine and practice is the only way of improving.
Asking a partner to teach you driving skills is asking for trouble, it's a nightmare. Get a qualified instructor.

Some people really do lack spatial awareness skills.

Ultimately OP, it is up to you and your DH what you do. It could be a complete relationship killer. As you wish for your husband to do more around the house, he may want for you to take on some of the driving. You need to discuss and work through this with your partner and what will feasibly work for the both of you.

Learners are with instructors, people who have just passed their tests are a mixture of people who should absolutely be on the roads and others who might be like OP who are dithery and not certain and could cause problems

We have terrible driving standards, its only by luck I think in this country that we dont have more fatalities. And all the talk of 'confidence' is a bit of a misnomer also, there are a lot of 'confident drivers' who are dreadful

Ultimately my point is, OP shouldnt be forced to do something she has probably rightly judged she just isnt cut out for. Its ok, just dont do it. I wouldnt go scootering or skateboarding. I cant do it. Practice wont help. So I dont do it.

Do you feel sorry for those who do all the housework? Or for those who do all kids related stuff (including childcare) ?
I think OP’s point is that she does a lot of tasks and it’s the only one she doesn’t whereas her DH does this but doesn’t do a lot of other stuff.
So he picked her up on the only thing she struggled with. And he didn’t want to help her to overcome this, not at all, he wanted to make a point. Otherwise why didn’t he help her with parking?

It's in the OP that she works full time and does everything in the house:

'But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too.'

He sounds like a dick, but I’d also be pissed off to have to do all the driving all the time, so I don’t blame him for being resentful of that per se.

My ex dh didn’t drive and I had huge resentment for a long time. Still do as he didn’t have to put in any effort to collect the kids as he had the best excuse. Now he gets them to do all the driving.

can you have some refresher lessons and build confidence?

I do. I can still drive though. You just have practice more.

Sorry OP, but I'm wondering if he has a point. I'm not the most confident driver. I struggle with parking, and even have a colleague who will help me into a place when she's around - other times I'll just take a bit longer. I always feel a car is bigger than it is, and won't leap at overtaking as I'm nervous. I still drive. Pased my test 32 years ago, never had an accident.

Went away last week, had a significant flight delay. DH felt washed out even before departure and I was certainly the most awake on landing. I did the returning car journey, allowing DH to rest and sleep.

Which would be valid if the dh did something regarding domestic work and childcare but he doesn’t

Yes I think I need to keep a sharp stick next to me!!!

Exactly. It is an attempt to shame her for the one area she doesn't do the bulk of the contributing.