DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

I'd not set myself up for a test and added stress - not at this point. Id book lessons and request to go over stuff you feel less confident about, so you are in control and can tell the instruct what you want.

I'm sure it's frustrating but to me, it does make them less of an adult. I don't want to date someone that I have to drive around like a child who will never grow up and not be reliant on me to get around. And no matter how much you protest that you can manage fine without driving, OP clearly can't because her husband is driving her everywhere and resents her for it.

I just don't find it an attractive trait, I'm sorry. Same as I couldn't be attracted to someone who 'can't' cook or clean or sort out bills/insurance/life admin.

I have 4 kids to run round after, I don't need a useless partner who isn't pulling his weight with the house stuff or running them around. It's too much stress. I need him to just get in the car and go pick DS up or get the shopping or renew the house insurance or get the dinner on.

It's ok I'm, sure we can all stand the loss of your sexual interest. Drivers, step outside the tiny limited perspective of your metal box. Other lives are possible. Exciting adventures are being had daily outside of the car. There's more to life! Don't be scared. You can do it! Be brave! 😂

You could go on a course to help you cope with trains. I've got a worksheet here you can do to support your anxiety around simply walking on the road with your own legs.

I personally don't regard someone as fully adult until they have swum inside a shipwreck and dragged up the bells. That's my personal feeling on the matter. It's on my Tinder profile.

😂

I personally don't regard a person as a "catch" or fully rounded adult unless they are capable of some slightly deeper assessments of their partner than whether or not they drive.

@Calliopespa Would a job be an essential, however, for a potential partner?

I'm not opposed to a landed heir!

@Calliopespa Perhaps be wary of The Royal Family 😂

Well they do have chauffeurs, so there's that.

What about if you’re never quite sure whether the car will return with all its mirrors and lights intact? When I was driving wing mirrors were broken and paintwork was scraped on a fairly regular basis!

OP simply never put the effort in once she’d passed her test to reach confident driving levels.

How do you know she hasn't tried? I have been driving for almost 18 years. I wanted to learn for independence, but it's always been out of my comfort zone. I drive every single day. Do I like it? No. Does it sometimes make me feel completely out of control? Yes. This has become worse rather than better with the onset of perimenopause. But I do it for the sake of my family to take some of the weight off and I absolutely understand that it isn't fair for me to expect my OH to do it all. However, it provokes a physical reaction in me that is not dissimilar to a panic attack, and it happens out of the blue. Whatever deep-seated issue has caused this is not clear to me, but it is very real and very debilitating. I am also embarrassed by it because so many people behave exactly as a lot of people on this thread have, by considering me inept, childish and lazy.

I have tried extra driving course, motorway lessons, therapy, exposure, CBT, medication, hypnosis, and various other things to get past it, but it's never gone away. Neither has my fear of doctors and dentists, but I keep trying. Not everyone is the same. I have a friend who goes into the state of paralysis at the thought of injections. I have other friends who are phobic about mice, spiders, heights, flying, water, birds, you name it. I don't know anyone who bullies them because of this by saying it's a basic life skill to get over it. I also know many people who have never driven, and it's never held them back. People need to get off their thrones of judgement. We all have things in life that we find difficult.

This is a ways away for you if you still have kids at home but I know that I need to keep driving because we never know what life will bring - my mum always let my dad drive and since they both retired she really wouldn’t do it at all (a combination of her not enjoying it and dad loving it) but now in their 80s dad has Alzheimer’s and she HAS to drive and ended up needing lessons to get her confidence back so I would suggest doing something to get your confidence back and keep at it - but not because he was mean to you but because it’s an important life skill that everyone should have if they can

Presumably you're not a fast/reckless driver, then. I wish I could relax enough to read when my DH is driving, and I avoid being driven by him whenever possible. Being a nervous passenger is not always about 'overreacting'.

Absolutely fine to not want a partner who can't drive but saying it makes people less of an adult is very ableist, because a lot of people who can't get the hang of it will have ADHD or dyspraxia etc.

Sorry lovey, you're wrong on that score too! Good try but no cigar.

We lived in a big city when I first drove but when we first moved back to a small town I realised I wasn't a good driver. HOWEVER, I had to drive every day for work and I soon became used to it.
Suggest you go out and practise when he and the kids are not around - especially parking. Not only will you improve, you will feel proud of yourself. A friend has just learned to drive in her 40s - having never wanted to before but needed to now. It took her ages, but I was really proud of her perseverance and it has made such a difference to her quality of life. She was terrified but is becoming more and more confident.
Do it for YOU - not for him.

The people who insist they are nervous passengers are in fact not. They are controlling and need to go for therapy to stop their issues.

Christ alive, there's a bit of a jump between "I don't want to shag them" and "it makes them less of an adult".

Sure, if there's an actual REASON then fair enough but 'I'm too scared/anxious' is what you expect of a child not wanting to go to bed in the dark or idk a new club with strangers or something. Not a 30 year old being asked to drive down to Aldi. I'd struggle to look at them with any respect and I'd end up getting frustrated and resentful that they refuse or are incapable of such a basic task.

Non drivers by choice are not for me. Just like smokers, heavy drinkers and manchildren. If you ask opinions on a forum, you will get a wide range of them. Don't ask if you don't want to hear it.

Thank you for such a considered response and I do appreciate your points. There is a lot of very poor CBT practice in the Uk for a lot or reasons. Most people who have had CBT have had it through talking therapies services and many of the therapists there have had very superficial training after being nurses or OTs. What they have been taught is all they know and they are under pressure to work quickly and in far less sessions than the models they have been trained in would suggest appropriate. Real CBT, from someone trained in a number of approaches is very different from what most people encounter. The best analogy I can think of is the difference between getting Botox from a plastic surgeon or someone at your local salon. The second option is more hit and miss than the first. But considerably cheaper. All the best to you.

Sure, if there's an actual REASON then fair enough but 'I'm too scared/anxious' is what you expect of a child not wanting to go to bed in the dark or idk a new club with strangers or something. Not a 30 year old being asked to drive

A mistake when driving can cause damage, injury and/or death. That is an actual REASON to be nervous of driving, surely? Especially when you know you are inexperienced and so more likely to make mistakes.

I find that people who aren’t nervous of driving learned and got plenty of experience in their teens or early 20s when we all think we’re invincible. People who learned later (or who didn’t drive much till later) found it harder as we have a greater appreciation of the risks as we get older. Especially if we are getting used to driving with our kids in the car.

Yeah, because smoking, drinking and manchildren are all the same as debilitating anxiety. In fact, you're right. All of those things fall into exactly the same category. I'm going to stick my neck out and say that people who lack basic compassion and make stupid comments like this—because they can't see that debilitating anxiety can be just as debilitating as a broken leg—are worse than non-drivers. Would you deny a diabetic their insulin because they are just being childish about needing it? It's not always a choice not to drive. FFS!

Your therapist has linked your anxiety to your abusive childhood, but I’d be making a different kind of link here. I’m linking your abusive marriage to your abusive childhood, and subsequently your anxiety links to your current situation which sounds like a horrible marriage. Work on yourself in getting some support OP. You need access to freedom by the sounds of it, and a means of supporting yourself going forward, without your husband belittling you. Ideally he’d be gone, he sounds awful.

My ex found driving exhausting. Of all his faults, it never occurred to me to be upset about that one - it's not like he was doing it on purpose, it's just the amount of concentration it took for him to drive (he also had issues with spacial awareness etc. - likely Dyspraxic, although we're too old for him to have every been labelled as anything but clumsy) meant that it was better for me to do most of the driving.

Your DP was being mean. We all have things we find difficult and easy, and your partner should be the one buoying you up about the things you find hard, not beating you with them

Thanks for your reply, and I see what you're saying. It definitely chimes with some of my experiences! 😄

I’ve never been a fan of driving. I did it because I had to and it was convenient but I didn’t pass until my mid-20s. Neither of my parents drive and it was a pain in the arse so I knew I would eventually learn. Not a natural driver, fine driving locally/dual carriageway but rarely drive on a motorway. I used to plan unfamiliar routes (before Sat nav) and have to look up what parking was like, etc.
I’m not driving atm for medical reasons and the only pain is going out at night in the dark - can’t just get in the car. DH drives and has always done long journeys. He’s getting older so not so keen on doing long distances now.