DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

I think this is a great idea. Get some more lessons, and get comfortable

It's like having a weak swimmer as a lifeguard.

Except that strong swimmers dont just happen - they get that way by practice. There might be some people who never excel. But without trying, they will never know.

I think the only way to overcome your fear is to face it OP. Get some driving lessons to build confidence. Don't assume you can't do it, you absolutely can with practice.

I think being a parent helps in these situations. You'll have to coach your kid through things they insist they can't do. Practice on yourself now!

A partner having digs at you and being grumpy about it won't help your confidence, that's for sure. Sounds like his resentment bubbled up.

That's very mean of him especially in front of the kid. You shouldn't feel forced into driving if it's just not for you, genuinly. That said, driving and parking is all about practice and experience. The more you do it and challenge yourself to get out of your comfort zone the better you get e.g. drive somewhere different every week even just a short journey. There's loads of YouTube videos that give parking tips.

I think it’s wonderful that you are keeping on trying! I think it’s a skill that if you don’t use you lose confidence in yourself. Drive a little every day and see how you go.

I would suggest that he's probably supported and facilitated your loss of confidenceover the years so should take some responsibility. If he has always readily driven you around you have become the natural passenger and without practice have lost confidence.

I'm a single parent and I drive a lot because I have to. If the only available parking space requires a tight parallel park thats what i have to do.

We're always telling women that they allow their DH to be crap at housework by doing it better than them and we need to lower our standards if we want them to do their share. Well this is the same. He needs to just pass you the keys and keep his mouth shut until you get your confidence back.

There are so many videos by driving instructors on youtube that would help you understand parking basics. Conquer Driving is a fantastic one. I think I would find it incredibly frustrating to always be the driver when my partner has a driving license but doesn't want to drive.

If your Dh was injured you would have to drive him the the GP and to his physio appointments and park the car each time. I recently had to do this for Dh but I am a confident driver because I drove every day for work when I passed my test in my mid twenties. I had no choice if I wanted to get to work.

Well I will never make a lifeguard - and I wouldn't want to put people at risk because of it.

I can quite understand people feeling this way about driving - and to me the safety is more important than the convenience of those around them.

Perhaps if the dh takes over his share of the household chores, op may find time for all this transformative practice. Until then, I think he's just found the hole in op's jumper to put his finger in and twist.

But she does know. She said she does some driving. She has driven, she knows her limits

It would be like someone not being able to swim that well having had lessons, passed the pick a brick certificate but in no way suitable to protect actual people in the water, being a lifeguard.

Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too.

'Oh great. I do absolutely everything in the house and all the kids stuff, too, despite holding down a full time job, because you can't be arsed to do your share of any of it. And now you want me to chauffeur you about, too? When driving is the ONLY thing you do to contribute to the house and kids stuff? Absolutely fucking not.'

If it were me, I'd take a few brush up driving lessons and talk about your parking issues, and perhaps reconsider your marriage dynamics: asin he starts pulling his weight at home and with the kids or tell him to get to fuck.

This. There are a lot of things that I would make allowances for but a non driver or someone that finds driving too stressful would be a deal breaker for me.

He should contribute more in the house and you should share the burden of driving.

She wouldnt have to do that at all, he would get a cab.

My DP has his licence and drives very short drives but that is it, due to anxiety. I must admit that I now feel resentful that I'm always the one doing the driving. Take some advance lessons to build your confidence, that worked wonders for a friend of mine

Definitely have a few lessons to build confidence and practice, practice, practice. All too often I’ve seen someone let their partner do all the driving but a crisis crops up and you need be the one that drives to and from hospital. I know you are upset by your partner’s attitude but do it for you and the future you. My mum let my dad do all the driving, but my dad died and now on top of everything else she is having refresher lessons because she needs to get to hospital appointments or hairdressers and carrying weekly shopping.

Kindly OP, it’s a qualified driving instructor that needs to help you with your confidence and parking, not your husband. Especially if he resents you for it anyway and isn’t supportive. (Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you have him in your passenger seat right now).

I know it’s not the point of your thread but does your husband have any nice or positive qualities? Because he sounds like an arsehole if I’m being honest.

But playing devils advocate I can really understand how he feels resentful. Being the designated driver for everything is so tedious. Especially if the other person had a license but refuses to drive.

If you do go for some extra driving lessons, do it for you! Do it for your own confidence and independence.

I think there is something very unsexy about a man who doesn’t drive (my opinion only)

He was unkind, worse even. You don't have to drive if you don't want too. Sounds like you do LOADS and didn't deserve the disrespect. Confidence isnt built through unkindness ever.

I think he was very unkind and rude but I think you should drive for yourself. Get a small automatic car and some refresher lessons so you’re independent.

Then you've never met my ex.

In his words "some people are born to drive, other are born to be driven".

He had reframed it like that as Mr Wonderful couldnt possibly be unable to drive, so he liked to try and show that it was because driving was beneath him.

Didnt take too kindly to me saying "Yeah well I was born to drive and you were born to walk". I did take to and from things sometimes but he soon learned to never take it for granted.

He can cook a few times a week and you can drive more

Your DH was being a passive aggressive moany arse and for that & involving the DC he WBU and a twat.

BUT - you resent the things he doesn’t do and he resents the things you don’t do. That’s the way it goes in a long marriage with kids, where everyone’s a bit tired and burnt out and snippy.

My DH is careless and forgetful with day to day chores, and that annoys me - but I find I particularly resent the things he chooses not to do because they cause him anxiety (for which he will not seek help beyond the lowest possible dose of Citalopram from the GP).

I often feel a bit of contempt for him that he won’t just fucking pull himself together and face the aspects of adult life he finds scary (like financial planning), and that he prefers to leave all that to me and slouch into a kind of childlike passivity. Which is, quite apart from anything else, not very sexy.

So that may be at play a bit.

Re: difficulties driving - I’m dyspraxic and was a VERY nervous driver for a long time. I got sick of hating it so much and took advanced lessons with a lovely and patient instructor. We worked exclusively on the things I struggled with.

A automatic car with good parking cameras was key. An instructor who was very very chill and encouraging was even more important.

After those lessons, and plenty of regular driving, I became a very good driver indeed and now even enjoy it.

My spatial awareness as a pedestrian remains poor. But I honestly think that would improve a lot if I had sensors and cameras and mirrors all over my person! And if other pedestrians would indicate when they slowed down or changed direction.

You can get better at driving and find it easier if you want to - it will take time and practice and money for lessons. Might be worth doing if you think you might ever want to leave your pass agg husband 👀

There was no need for you DH to be so nasty about it, so I'm not surprised you feel rubbish! He really should be more supportive. If you were my friend, I'd happily sit with you whilst you drove, or helped you with parking.

I think that if he's not prepared to help you overcome the worries, then def book in for some lessons just as a refresher. Small steps...first in the instructor's car as it has dual controls, and then your own car.

I do understand the anxiety - it took me hitting menopause before I started getting bouts of anxiety (particularly with driving, even though I've driven for years and always enjoyed it!) and bloody hell, it's crippling at times! The only way that I could get through it was to give myself a bit of a talking to (and I bet people in the vicinity think I'm nuts, as I do literally talk myself through things!)...."come on TicTac, get a grip. You've done this before, you know what you're doing, you know the route, you do this first, and then that. Take your time, get from A to B safely. Don't rush things etc". Of course, everyone's different, but that's how I deal with things.

Don't know if this would make you feel better...
-I learned to drive in a manual car with no power-steering, years ago (no problems, always enjoyed driving). Drove all over the place, did long commutes to uni and to placements when I was a student nurse. All rosey. Then menopause hit. I would freak out even driving my normal/work car....and reversing it into my drive! Overcame that (HRT was a life saver!).

-I got an old camper van earlier this year, but my work car is an EV (and the main thing I've driven in past 5yrs has been an EV, ergo an automatic). I freaked out about the gears. And then I freaked about hill starts, and other drivers being cross with me because the van is SLOW. Ok, it's a T2 so WHOLE different ball game with driving, but I had to get my XH to come out with me for a couple of journeys, in order to convince me that I could actually drive the bloody thing.

-Same with motorbikes: did my training years back, didn't then ride for years. Decided I wanted to start riding again. Passed my CBT, but I freaked out with geared bikes (which I could ride before with no bloody issue!)...Then freaked out with the little moped I was riding. Again, XH came out with me on his motorbike for a couple of rides.

Our brains knows we can do it (or we wouldn't have got our licenses), but it's the practice and the getting used to stuff again. I can tell you that with both the moped and the T2, I am feeling more confident each time I take them out. It just takes time, and - for me - a bit of planning. What route will I take, which roads do I feel more comfortable on etc. For the van, I put some stickers on the back: "slow vehicle", "keep your distance" etc, and I put a sat nav in it, so I don't freak about no swanky Apple CarPlay screen to tell me where to go (if it's a new/unfamiliar route). For the moped, I had a side stand and top box put on it. Small stupid things, but they're things that help me. Initially I did small short journeys, NOT during rush hour, and then built up. I've not yet done night driving with either, but that's my next aim.

Does your car have parking sensors or a reverse camera? Those are things that I want fitted in my van!! My work EV has them and they're bloody brilliant as a bit of support/back up. Another thing you might laugh about...my work EV has this automatic parking thing (where it senses a parking space and parks the car for you)...I've been too scared to use it!!

Exactly.

I have a friend who is a highly qualified medical specialist. She doesn't drive, but she brings in the lion's share of the family income and works incredibly hard.

Her DH calls himself "The Driver" as in, when they arrive, he walks in and says "How about a cup of tea for The Driver?"

He goes on and on and I am sure it is his way of feeling a bit less insecure about the fact she is far better qualified and earns more. It is utterly twatty.

Imagine how pathetic she would look if she went on about a cup of tea for "The Consultant" or berated him about earning less (she doesn't; she is lovely).

The op's situation sounds similar: he is trying to make a Big Deal of his contribution to the family.

You need to get him doing his fair share of housework. That is unfair to you and needs to be addressed.

However you really need to be able to drive as if he can’t improve then you might want to get your own car and place. Depending on where you live and where you go, you don’t always need to be a great at parking. I hate parking, so I strategically abandon my car. I don’t park anywhere tight or awkward. I haven’t parallel parked since my test. I don’t hold up anyone as I park at the far end of the supermarket car park or out of town and walk the rest. I use drive through spaces and places out of the way. I don’t inconvenience any other drivers or park badly if you didn’t know I should have been closer.

I think it’s pressure and nerves with me, I get a bit stressed if I’m being watched so this works for me.

I find myself in a similar situation, @JustineTim . I have had my licence for coming up to two decades but I hated driving. I forced myself to do it but I was so anxious and I did not feel very safe or competent. I didn’t do it very often (never had to drive to work every day, for example) and then a couple of things happened .

I struggled with fertility and got very anxious including about driving whilst pregnant ( I had four miscarriages at 11-17 weeks) and then I had double vision which required two surgical procedures to repair, and I wasn’t allowed to drive until us was resolved. I have now not driven for 7 years.

I hate not driving, I wish I felt safer and more able. I think it’s going to get harder as my kids get older. I’m considering hypnotherapy, getting an automatic car and just doing very small journeys to try and build up my confidence again. I’ve not ruled out that HRT and/or anxiety meds might also help.