DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

"move a killing machine!!"

its a bit mean but honestly, you do need to learn how to drive. It's a basic skill and I would be a bit fed up doing all the driving too.

It’s not just sitting on your bottom with foot on the accelerator tho! I think people massively underestimate the mental load of driving. It requires a lot of decision making

No one should be forced to do anything, but using the term killing machine seems a bit over the top here.

Do some pass plus lessons. Get confident, it will happen quickly the more you drive! I think it’s what you want too

I was in a partnership where I was the only driver. It was all too easy for me to end up being the one that nipped out to the shops, or who took the hedge cuttings to the dump, or who went to the DIY store to buy the guttering, or picked kids up/took them to parties, or arranged the car servicing and took it there, and collected it, or took the dog to the vet, or did the weekly shop and brought it home and unloaded it and put it all away, or took phones to have their screens replaced, or went to the Post Office etc etc. It all fell on me.

It's very easy for a non-driver to duck out of stuff, where the driver has no choice.

@JustineTim "I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too" what does he contribute, other than being slightly more convenient than an Uber?

Never has a username been more apt.

Stand up for yourself OP, if you want to more lessons let it be your choice. Put your foot down and become a Nowomen until you are ready.

It made me smile.

I find it easier than housework.

Yes! Being chauffered is lovely! Being the one who has to worry about box junctions, blind spots, speed cameras, changing limits, cyclists at night, bloody deer jumping out from the hedgerows, staying awake and alert enough to be safe without a backup for the umpteenth time in a row gets wearing. And I know that's all a normal part of driving but it's definitely not as relaxing as sitting on your bum in the passenger seat!

Not really. OP isnt confident in the car, I dont want her on the roads, or with a child in it.

I could never be with a non driver it would annoy and pressure me,

Many women have poor spatial awareness, I have it myself but I can drive nonetheless as it’s just a question of practice. You need to practice potentially more than others to get good at parking.

OP simply never put the effort in once she’d passed her test to reach confident driving levels.

A friend of mine went on week long course (affer she had passed her test and been driving for a whole) and it changed her driving skills and confidence completely.

Not having someone to share the driving on long trips would be a major issue for me.

Absolutely - and add on to that going from wide, car friendly streets to little country tracks with grass growing in the middle and fucking great mountains to navigate over - oh, and spots where the sat nav does not work. And that is without weather conditions, etc etc.

I get so annoyed when OH falls asleep in the passenger seat. I hate that, sooo relaxed while Im thundering along having to pay attention to everything and no one to even talk to.

Does that mean you don’t want learners or people who have just passed their test on the roads either?

I actually think being the ‘non-driving’ half of a couple is disempowering & can encourage an attitude that is a bit - umm, self-pitying, childish, proud of inadequacies? - something like that anyway. I feel I can say this as I was the non-driving partner myself when younger! So this reflects my own experience & is a criticism of myself.

I would really recommend getting over your fears by taking refresher lessons. Parking isn’t fun but it’s not rocket science!

I know that’s an answer to a question you didn’t ask, but I think that’s the real answer that is needed. Once you have your confidence & are driving, you’ll never regret it - and it may enable you to assess your relationship in different, clearer ways.

That's what it comes down to.

And making people feel selfish or ashamed will only push drivers onto the road when they are not confident.

part of being in a relationship, especially with kids, is having the mutual understanding that you make the best of your skill sets. From what you’ve described, you do far more in the home. One of his contributions is driving, that’s fair if he’s a better driver.

my suggestion would be that you start splitting the driving for the kids down the middle, much as it will pain you (it won’t last long)

then also draw up a rota splitting everything else down the middle, including the things that before you would do without complaint. If he complains then you can tell him that it was his idea that you share tasks equally, rather than based on what you are good at and comfortable with

@soupyspoon and unaware of the impact that not having someone to talk to has on how alert and awake the driver is too. At night, with nothing but the heating, the radio and the sound of gentle breathing! I wake him up now. Sod that.

This. If he is driving a lot so you don’t have to then yes I understand the frustration.

Although the way he has gone about explaining the issue is unacceptable!

Book some driving lessons with an instructor and ask them to teach you to park.

I find housework easier tbh.

There are so many posts about what the OP could do to improve her confidence and far fewer about how her husband could be more supportive and pull his weight more around the house.

And then snores!