DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

Its one thing if you cannot pass a test, or have a medical condition. But if I had a partner who had a license but did not drive, I would be annoyed - you may not ask for lifts, but he knows that anything that happens that requires driving has to be done by him. Being the only driver in the family is exhausting.

I was very anxious learning to drive. If I had let myself, I would not have driven much after passing my test and probably would never have been more comfortable with it. However, circumstances meant I had to drive a lot almost immediately after passing my test and that actually really helped.

I'm sorry OP but I get it and, while maybe what he said was unkind, it is very understandable.

We're in a very similar position to you and it means, as the sole driver, all responsibility is mine. I'm never the one who gets the drink at a pub lunch if we go out with the in-laws, it's me doing the long drives while he can scroll on his phone or shut his eyes, me responsible for every manic drop off etc. I understand you don't like driving but it's also reasonable to not like being the sole driver. And sometimes that can bubble out when tension is high.

You have my sympathies OP as driving anxiety really is awful.

I’m a new driver (6 months), learnt last year at 28 as I have grown up in London, had a city job and don’t have kids yet so no real need to drive prior, but as I’ve been priced out of buying a property here and will need to go somewhere more rural I decided it was time.

However I am still having to psych myself up to get in my car especially if it’s to a route I don’t know like the back of my hand, might be busy, or I don’t know what the parking situation is. I really worry that it’ll never pass. Sorry no real advice for you here OP but just an understanding hand hold! I can see why your partner might wish you would drive more but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Offering to come with you and practice things like parking would’ve been a more helpful suggestion.

He has a cheek complaining about you sharing the driving load when he lets you do all the cooking/cleaning and kids stuff.

And involving your child was not nice.

Next time he raises it say "yeah maybe we should split it more evenly. let's start with you cooking dinner 3 nights a week - and shopping for it too - and I'll drive next weekend"

You could get advanced driving classes but honestly I agree with a previous poster who said some people should not drive. My best friend is one of them. She has appalling spatial awareness - evident well before she learned to drive. After the last time I was in the car with her, I decided I will never be in a car with her driving again. I know another friend has made the same decision.

My "D" H (he is mostly).... whinged at me to learn to drive and then turned into a complete control freak and then refused to insure and let me drive his car. At which point he was told in no uncertain terms to bog off

I go so few places and fortunately live in a town so there's not much point in me spending the money for my own car.

I’d do some driving lessons, even if not for him (if the chores aren’t being distributed equally outside of driving) but for yourself as there will be times you have to drive and having that confidence in parking will massively help. I did some last year as I passed and lived in a place with no real roundabout apart from one tiny mini one and also dealing with parking in towns and busy places, it really helped my confidence.

I think your point is valid but so is his. I would hate to have to drive every single journey we do as a family, it can be tiring. You cooking doesn't excuse you not driving. Him driving doesn't excuse him not cooking. They are two very separate things.

I do think he is being an arse about it, but I understand that he’s fed up doing the driving.
Given your update, I think it’s time to have the conversation where you lay out that you will drive more, when he cooks or shares the housework. If he’s not willing to do that then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Following your update - I think it is really important that you invest in building your confidence driving, it seems driving is the only thing the unhelpful arse brings to the table.

Havent rtft .... unpopular opinion(?)

He is BU in how he went about this but you are as unreasonable if not more for doing zero driving.

While he has gone about it horribly, leaving 💯 of the driving to ghe other person is garbage especially as you can drive -You have a licence! There isnt some medical barrier making you dependent... you are choosing to be.

what is to stop you going to a quiet car park for 40 mins and practicing?
Or taking the car out on your own and driving it locally for 5 or 10 mins 3-4 x per week
Or any of the fifty other ways you could be proactively trying to improve your riving skills and confidence so you can share the load?

From what youve said you are making no effort to address it.

Context for this response.
My dh didnt drive when Iet him and it WAS a total shag and i resented it. When he did learn and eventually passed he was still "nervous" and I was still de facto driver. We had a chat and i said he had to sort it out as it wsnt fair.
He pro actively put in the effort to drive locally and regularly to build confidence, practiced maneuvers and learned the cars dimensions and turning points he is now a normal driver and we share the load.

He didn't handle it well but has a point. What if something happened to him and you needed to drive? What if you needed to get somewhere without public transport and he couldn't take you?

A long time ago I was a nervous driver but one day had to put my big girls pants on because my husbands work phoned to say he needed to be collected. (Migraine no way he could drive.) I drove, parked carefully and then drove us home. I was an absolute wreck having used so much nervous energy but I did it. I've never looked back. Now, 40 years later, I still love driving (can't parallel park to save my life) and regularly do the 200+ mile drive to my parents home on my own. I share the driving when we do long journeys which makes it much better for my husband.

I agree with the PPs who suggest some refresher lessons concentrating on the things you find most difficult or scary.

But you do know how. More practice and extra lessons if needed. I was good at parallel parking when I lived in London. I am crap at it now as where I live there’s no need to. If I moved back to London I know I’d need to work at it to get better. I appreciate this example is a small example but driving is about practice.

I like this suggestion of re-dividing the chores! Bet he decides it is easier to sit on his bottom with a foot on the accelerator!

Because non-drivers are normally nervous or anxious about it, I always feel there is an element of bullying or "leverage" involved in these situations.

This, are other things equally split? Do you both work full time?

But should you really be out on the roads if you aren't sufficiently in control of the car as to be able to parallel park? That actually makes me feel uncomfortable knowing you are out there somewhere behind a wheel.

I agree. No excuse for being a dick but in a partnership, when one feels they’re picking up an unfair burden, resentment grows. Adults unable to drive does make life harder. I’d definitely take confidence building lessons. Do you have a car with a reversing camera? They are really helpful as an aid. How big is the car? Find a driving instructor with a similar size car.

Everyone saying just drive every day, take more lessons, the anxiety will reduce....
Not necessarily. I am exactly the same kind of driver as OP. I worked as a community nurse driving every day all over the place for five years. I still fucking hate driving, I still struggle with parking and I will still ask DP to drive as he is totally unphased by the whole thing.

Exactly the same as my DP hates cooking, he can do it, but he would rather not, but cooking is easy for me so I do that most of the time.

Not everything has to be 50/50, sometimes you play to your individual strengths as a couple and that's totally fine. If OP's DH has become resentful, then that fair enough for him to raise and discuss in an adult way, and be open to hearing what OP might be resentful about. Not acting like a moody teenager about it, goading the OP and involving their DC.

I don’t think you can compare driving to chores around the house though - it’s comparing apples to oranges. They’re both different activities in their own right. Well done for doing the bulk however - and maybe it’s worth a discussion with him to redress the balance at home.

I would encourage you to try to get some more practice in. If he won’t support you with this and help you to get confident parking etc, then you could consider extra lessons or try to practice with a trusted friend or family member?

To add, I think he was a complete arse in how he spoke to you and undermining you in front of your child.

Full stop can't and can't do it as smoothly and second-nature as once I did aren't the same though.

I do think that some people who don't drive can underestimate some of the mental load of doing all the driving.

Given your update, I really, strongly, suggest that you do an advanced driving course and start driving regularly.

So you can drive away from him. When you’ve had enough and feel ready.

You get better by practicing. There no easy way around it.

While he didn’t deal with ir very well it must be a nightmare for him.

I can’t imagine being in a relationship with a person that won’t drive. It would get very tiresome, very quickly. It would be a hard stop if I were dating again.

Speaking as the one who couldn't drive, I always felt bad that couldn't. I tried to learn at 17 and struggled. Tried again on my 20's. Hated it. I felt bad that my wife had to do all the driving for us. Carried on that way until we had DD. Then I felt incredibly guilty that I wasn't sharing the driving. Appointments, shopping, trips out. School runs if needed. Then we moved much further from our town centre and taking DD places without my wife's help was off the cards. That's when I finally pushed myself to pass my test. I'm glad I did it as I can now share the driving which takes some of the pressure off her. Now I've just got 17 years of being chauffeured around to make up for.
My point is it's never too late to get better. You obviously can drive well enough to pass a test. I still hate driving. But there's things you can do to make it easier. Take the longer but easier route. Park further away from the shops where there's less cars already parked.

No one is in the wrong and no one is in the right here

You shouldnt be forced to move a killing machine round the streets unless you are confident, you shouldnt feel obliged to do that and neither should you rely on him ferrying everything around

He shouldnt feel obliged to 'help you park' in the same way a competent adult shouldnt be a manchild/womanchild, either do the thing by yourself or dont do it at all because you dont have the skill set and really cant learn it or change the anxiety.

You shouldnt be doing the lions share of the cooking and housework, a discussion is needed about dividing the labour in the house, tag teaming on who does what.

He shouldnt shame you for not being able to drive in the same way you dont shame him for not being able to cook. I suppose the only difference is that unless he has some MH anxiety issue around being near the cooker or microwave, there isnt a reason for him not doing any cooking or sharing more parenting tasks (by the sound of it)

He needs to hear what you are saying and you need to hear what he is saying. If he cant do that and meet you half way, well thats a different matter.

Because non-drivers are normally nervous or anxious about it, I always feel there is an element of bullying or "leverage" involved in these situations.

No, its not just that. I used to take my parents to Ireland every year to visit their home villages. No problem with making time to take them and using up my holiday allowance to do so. But what did piss me off is that they would chose options that maximized the driving I was doing with no consideration of how it impacted me. Like, wanting to do trips the day after I had driven for 10 hours to get there. Or choosing cottages in the middle of nowhere so that even going to get milk had to be a driving outing. I tried to talk to them about it a few times, and suggest options which meant I had some days off from driving for hours each day. They were completely uninterested in how it was affecting me. In the end, I had to say I would not do it anymore. Few people get to be confident at driving without doing it a lot. Giving yourself permission not to do it because someone else will do it is not great and although he was unkind, so is leaving all of this to him. Who does the cooking is completely different.