DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

But does she? Does she literally make him drive places that only she needs to go? If they are going out as family, she's part of the family, not someone asking for a taxi ride! If she drives herself around the rest of the time then it's not a taxi is it!

My good friend spent many years having to get up at 4am to drop his wife off at her supermarket bakery job then go back to bed for a bit more sleep before going to work himself until she eventually forced herself to pass her test- can you see the difference now!

You make the OP out to be an unwelcome hitch hiker that's intruding on her husband and child's trips out!

I'm not sure why you and lots of other posters are feeling so sorry for OP's DH. OP doesn't ever ask him for lifts and she says in her original post:

'But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too.'

OP obviously does not rely on her DH for everything. She actually hardly relies on him for anything. She has said that she is going to try and conquer her fear of driving. Her DH knows that she has driving anxiety and he is just mean and dismissive. If he was willing to help her gain confidence, that would be different but he is just a twat who is moaning about the one things that he does, while ignoring that his wife does absolutely everything else.

How much driving is actually involved in journeys that are shared! For us it's mainly short journeys up the road to the supermarket or MIL etc, so it's not killing my OH to do those journeys and us not have row about my driving.

We do travel overseas 4 or 5 times a year and my OH likes the flight prices from Luton and we live up north and he does out airport runs but they can often involve driving in the dark to an airport the night before or driving back home through the dark when we land late at night and I have astigmatism and find headlights & dark driving tough anyway. He doesn't mind doing it and I have always said that would look into trains & buying tickets if he ever didn't want to drive.

If the OP ps ordinarily driving herself around, there's no need to be heavy handed. You don't need to be so quick to crucify and bully people if in reality it's not hurting your life that much.

Maybe she doesn't want to practise. Or even do it.

It is possible to live without driving.

Maybe she married a bloke who is a bit of a cunt though - who delights in the OP's 'weakness'.

I think people who won't drive are incredibly annoying. My ex husband didn't have a driving license at 40 and it was bloody annoying always being the driver especially on holiday. Driving from the SW to Scotland on my own with one stop while he snored in the passenger seat was exhausting. In the end I made him get his license and said I wasnt driving Miss Daisy any more.

You need to practice as much as possible until you are proficient. It's a very bad idea to rely on a man for everything.

or maybe that is a bit of a stretch to call him such a foul word, Jesus.

We simply don’t have all the information to draw that conclusion about this poor bloke!

Having only one driver, especially when there is a child, in this day and age is annoying. I don’t know where OP lives, but if they live rurally or away from major public transport etc, they could be even more of a burden.

I think drivers who are obsessed with driving are really annoying. I don't drive. It's absolutely fine. I'm widowed so there's no one else to get annoyed with me. I have a perfectly functional life because driving is actually totally optional.

You can even get the train to IKEA if you really want. Or they deliver. Delivery exists!

It's fine to not drive. It's fine to buy in services for things. I can build computers from parts, solder on a breadboard, write software too. I can compute binary with a pencil. I don't spend my life striding around shouting at people for buying their laptop from a shop and not knowing how to run a compiler, bellowing on about how it's a life skill. IT'S A LIFE SKILL. 😂Get over yourselves. Have you heard of taxis.

What? Because anybody who values their independence should know how to drive so they don't have to rely anyone else - stop making excuses.. why don't you ask many people who end up having to ferry partners about because they don't drive, it's a pain in the neck -got nothing to do with who splits other tasks when you're a couple it's down to the individual wanting their own independence I couldn't think of anything worse than asking my partner to ferry me about and I would fully anticipate it would eventually get on their nerves and I wouldn't want to personally be in that position

Yes of course it's a life skill, seriously? Have you seen the price of taxis these days and you think that's a reasonable, intelligent and cost effective alternative?😩

If you don't want to drive, it's perfectly possible to arrange your life so you don't have to. It's a choice we have. It's fine to make it. It's fine! It's not a stain on anyone's character to choose not to drive and organise their life differently.

Obviously I have seen the price of taxis as I don't drive. I actually rarely need to get them, but overall in the year, it's much less than the cost of a car.

It's also fine to drive if you want to. Crack on! But it's not a social requirement to be a good citizen. It's not like paying your taxes or taking the bins out for your elderly neighbour.

as the only driver in my relationship, it is very irritating. Seems non driver partners dont think what happens if the driver hurts themselves & is unable to drive for a few weeks/months. What if your husband ends up in hostipal and needs a lift home? Taxis are very expensive.

My husband is dead so it's not a problem. But he also didn't drive. And we managed perfectly well, thanks!

It's drivers (or possibly just drivers on MN threads) that think there's no other way to travel around in the world.

Hits the nail on the head.

OP disappoints her husband daily by not pulling her weight driving and he disappoints her by not pulling his weight around the house.

She needs him to up his game doing housework and in turn make an effort to take on more of the driving

It's not about having a go, I wanted to ask because it feels like there are an awful lot of people out there now giving their opinions on topics like anxiety and not all of them are actually qualified to comment. However, although I respect that you are giving a clinical opinion (and I can also hear the compassion with which you are posting), I think it might be best for me to disengage from this conversation, partly so as not to derail, but also because although your comments may be true for many, I feel that for some people your POV could land as overly simplistic and potentially damaging.

You didn't mention (unless I've missed a post) what type of therapy you practise, but if it's CBT I'll be completely candid here and say that it's hard for me to view CBT neutrally after a couple of bad experiences with so-called therapists. I do recognise that my experiences may not be (indeed hopefully aren't) representative of the norm, but they probably do mean that it's best if I stand aside from discussing CBT if indeed that's the therapy you are practising.

I can't, won't and shouldn't drive. I'm not good enough. Had a licence 30+ years. I'll never drive again unless it's empty roads in the back of beyond, private land, a lawn mower or a golf cart. Dodgems at a push. I doubt I'd even go for a mobility scooter.

I accept that might be a deal breaker and it will make me unappealing to some people as a potential partner. I'm ok with that. The stress of driving will never be worth it.

How did you pass your test?

I would urge you OP to have some refresher lessons with an instructor who specialises in nervous drivers. My late husband always did the bulk of the driving. He had his HGV licence so was far more proficient. He also was very critical of my driving so I just didn’t bother. Then circumstances happened and for medical reasons he wasn’t allowed to drive. He died 6 years ago. Since then I drive everywhere, long trips, cities even abroad. You just need to build up your confidence. Driving is very much a case of use it or lose it. Good luck

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that in front of your child. If that is a common occurrence, him putting you down like that, he is the issue, and your driving isnt. If it was a complete one off, then he sounds frustrated and hasnt handled it well. You need to have a proper conversation with him to find out his frustrations, confirm that if he is frustrated to speak to you, not to snap in front of your child. But you will need to listen and accept that you may need to change. I learnt to drive later in life (I am adhd and driving is difficult for me) but I do drive daily and while my hubby does most of the driving, because he wants to, I will drive and take over. Also, parking fills me with dread but that doesnt mean my hubby has to take me everywhere - I just plan it in advance. I go early so I can park easily, I park further away so dont have to parallel, I research parking spaces (yes really) if I know I am going somewhere so I know what to expect. Fact is if you end up splitting you will not have someone to ferry you around anyway so good to learn some independence.

I do feel for you OP with how he approached it but I do think you need to drive more - I would never be in a new relationship with someone who I knew didn't drive and I would have to do all the running around (unless of course due to illness). That said, I would tell him that in future I will split the driving evenly and also the housework/dinner. You will take alternative nights to cook and advise him of the jobs he is now to do. Tell him how grateful you are for him to have pointed out that it's more fair to share responsibilities! 😉

You've gone to an extremity though because she does drive and hasn't said she relies on her husband for everything! Don't blow the OPs situation out of proportion because you are angry at husband. I have a friend who finally passed his test last year at the age of 45 so yes he was a burden to his wife and others that had to pick him up to take him to work but he's also just been diagnosed with ADHD, people aren't robots! They can struggle with things.

She will have been driving regularly during lessons, the issues start if you avoid driving and barely get in a car.

OP, have you thought of improving your skills? I lost confidence after DS1 was born and decided to take my Institute of Advanced Drivers Test. I had several free sessions covering all aspects of driving with a highly skilled observer. I passed the test at the end of the course.The observation skills you learn and the simple techniques that guarantee perfect parking really boost your confidence. I did a separate winter driving course and optional skid pan day and all this just totally stoped the nerves. Please be look into this,it can change your life.

I thought you were referring to the fact that some posters are making out that driving is of key importance in a relationship. I was agreeing that is a disturbing attitude.

No I am definitely with you on that. I know my dad put my mum off driving but I don't think she would have been cut out to be a driver, she had confidence issues plus the doctors have been giving her tranquilisers etc for about 35 years so she probably should never have been a driver anyway! It never bothered my dad that she didn't drive, it was own life she hampered by never having her own means yo get about, at 73 it still frustrates her at times now she's a widow.

This has been mentioned a few times. I've had a quick look. What sort of stuff did you cover. Would it be suitable for me as an anxious driver? Do you think lessons would be better or this?