DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

Trouble is, some of us who have that tendency have it because the person driving them is genuinely not a good or safe driver.

Oh yes I completely agree!
I can never understand the responses on these type of threads. Do people really want a load of anxious drivers on the road?

Obviously not everyone who tries to learn how to drive is going to nail it, or even want to do it, for various reasons.

I've become a worse passenger myself after being in an accident last year where I was in standing traffic and an idiot went into the back of me at a bit of speed and wrote my car off, I always feel my partner doesn't start braking early enough to slower vehicles ahead. I have driven him once or twice on some slightly longer journeys and he's read a book and funnily enough doesn't bat an eyelid at my driving when he's occupied with something else!

Thing is it's safer sometimes not to drive someone than have them over reacting over everything and being a dangerous distraction.

Your boss needs a new husband and you need a new boyfriend!

I drove my partner on a couple of journeys and he read a book, he had no issue with my driving when he's occupied and not sat on edge looking for things to over react at.

It really depends what is going on for the person. It is not always safe.
If the person was going through chronic stress or is in a dysregulated state due to trauma etc then exposure therapy can be harmful and a person can become further sensitised instead of desensitised with exposure.

He's not my boyfriend, he's my partner of over 22 years, we don't need to split up because he's a nervous passenger! My boss has kids of 12 and 17 with the man you want her to ditch!
Dumping people isn't the answer, you just don't drive with somebody who is a nervous passenger if you can avoid it! If my mum had been as mercenary as you she have split up with my dad impacting two young kids and for what? My dad being a nervous passenger? Believe me, he was the far better parent and person!

Oh yes, I agree with you there. As I said above, my ex was (imo) a fucking awful driver. I suffered the only episodes of travel sickness since child hood when he was driving. I was a door grabber and a shrieker occasionally (see the lorry incident above) because he was a fucking TERRIBLE driver!

20 odd years ago he was a LD lorry driver.....so I think that was what cemented his "I own the road, fuck you" driving. My parents were both awful drivers, my father was over confident and my mother nervous and underconfident. Both terribly unsafe but at opposite ends of the scale.

Would cheerfully drive around the world with my sister and she with me, but she insists on driving when she is out with her husband (again, over confident).

ETA sorry.....the point is though that while some people are terrible drivers, they are usually the worst fucking passengers! My ex was an awful passenger. He would tell me to speed up and that I was breaking too early, but if I did it his way (whcih I sometimes did to prove a point) he became a door grabber! He just hated not being the one in control. So ime the bad drivers are also bad passengers.

🙄

What's the face for? Don't make stupid comments as though it's the only thing that matters in a relationship!

It's disturbing how important some posters are making it out to be.

The recommended protocol for phobia according to NICE guidelines is graded exposure which is a CBT approach. It is a gradual approach usually using a hierarchy of fear, that involves overcoming avoidance, challenging negative thinking, distress/anxiety tolerance and essentially habituating to the anxiety. It’s a great method for developing confidence especially when supported by a trained, sensitive and supportive therapist.

There are plenty of resources that can be found on the internet that are clinically endorsed.

Barriers to treatment can include a lack of motivation or a lack of readiness. There needs to be a degree of willingness for it to be effective. There are lots of factors why therapy isn’t always effective. It might be that it simply wasn’t the right time for treatment as well. CBT does rely on practice outside of sessions.

I don’t believe everyone can overcome anxiety as it’s not that simple. However, it is definitely a possibility.

These days it's not exactly fun to drive around, more speeding males, more bumper riders, dolce COVID the driving standards have gone to shit! People still want to get everywhere at the same speed as they did in lockdown and speed up everybody's backsides and over take and cut people up swerving about. Headlights in the dark is brutal especially on rural roads, then you gave the new street lights in urban areas that are like the dimmest of Victorian candles so you can't see who might be on pavements about to cross tie roads, kids dart across the road in front of cars as do e scooter users. It's not easy to be a motorist these days!

Well, if it is a trauma presentation, then graded exposure would not be appropriate. There are other trauma therapies which can be effective at treating trauma such as EMDR. It really depends on the person and what is going on for them.

It sounds like it could very well be.
OP said she is 'messed up' from an abusive childhood, had selective mutism as a child and social anxiety as an adult. Her driving anxiety seems to be greater than the average persons and very in line with how she felt as a child always being anxious around other people.
Yes it really depends on the person and what is going on which is why people really need to exercise caution when they try to push people to 'face their fears'.

Yes EMDR could be helpful. OP did mention that she might try therapy again.

Comments were meant in jest, hence the "!".

Perhaps a civil discussion with your significant other would stop him or her moaning about your driving.

They always go up to 40 then in a 30 zone 😂

Well, aren’t you a treat? I hope you don’t ever have to battle panic attacks or real fear. According to this view, anxiety isn’t an issue for anyone, and we should all just get over it. I know plenty of adults who don’t drive and haven’t ever driven due to PTSD or past trauma. This kind of toss is exactly the kind of unhelpful BS the OP doesn’t need. Anxiety can be massively debilitating, and this kind of opinion is why people have it!

Driving is a big part of anything so I am with your hubby on this one.

you need to find a way to get better because you use your hubby as a taxi and that is not on…

Just read your update.
Good for you OP!
Take the positives from this thread and get yourself out there.
You have a licence. That means you CAN drive.
I've always said to my DCs, passing your test is the (relatively!) easy part.
Going out there on the roads, experiencing every given scenario, in all kinds of weather, is when the real learning starts, as then, only you are in control of your decisions, and of course, your vehicle.
Parking is definitely one of those things which really does get better the more you do it.
Can you get yourself a car? I'd go for an automatic.
Go out in the evening, (while your husband is at home with the kids, cooking dinner and sorting out the laundry 😉) and find a car park you can practise in. Watch videos on how to use your mirrors.
You will probably surprise yourself in how quickly you'll pick it up.
It really is all about practise, practise, practise!
Good luck @JustineTim
Definitely do it for yourself and your DCs!
I'd love for you to come back in a few months time and tell us how you're bossing the driving 🙂

Do you like each other? I think there is more than not driving or cooking going on and you should sort it out.

Making what important? I don't know what I've made important?

Oh it doesn't work, I've tried! The problem he just doesn't see it, he thinks he's valid yet he absolutely hates me criticising his driving in any way. I think it's a bit of bloke thing especially if they drove for years before we did - I didn't pass until I was 27.

But you passed your test?! With husband I'm afraid. Have some more lessons practice in emptyish car parks. Stop making excuses.

It says in the OP that she works full time. OP has said that is going to try and conquer her fear of driving.

However, I also think that as a fully formed grown up with a wife and children, OP's husband should behave like a husband and father by not leaving absolutely everything in the house and for the children to OP. He's got a fucking cheek to complain that he does all the driving when he does absolutely nothing else.