DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

Agree. it is like anything, the more you practise, the better you will become !

Slightly different, but son has a licence, but refuses to pay for insurance so scrounges lifts off me, his sister and mates . I insist he offers them fuel money (not me )

To be honest, it's going to make your life a lot easier if you can get more comfortable driving - especially after you divorce him 😂

My husband doesn't drive. I find it very frustrating/annoying. But I'm also the one that does all the shopping/school runs/family visits etc.

Despite this, I don't give him a hard time about it because I'm not an arsehole. He's anxious about driving, and that's not going to get any better if I start having a go at him about it. Actually, he's probably making you worse.

The only time I ever say anything to him about it is if he mentions something negative - can't think of a real example, but eg. You took ages at the shop, something is late because I had to go to the shop etc. Then I might snap something at him briefly. It's rare.

It does come with a certain power and I think that's what really annoys me about her dh's attitude.

I think she should accidentally-on-purpose forget to launder any of his underpants and he can see how it feels to be shamed and lorded over by someone who wants to wield their "power" because they resent their chores.

He can go to work in his smelly ones.

He's a complete twat for being nasty about it but I do see his point. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't drive. It's a life skill and I'd end up resenting them, much like if they didn't cook, for example. I see it as part of being an adult and I'd struggle to be attracted to them.

Thats fine but some people just cannot take safely or calmly to driving. I can drive but gave up taking my actual test because driving terrifies me, and someone as anxious as me behind a wheel is just no good for anyone! I've wrestled with this for years and been judged for it but frankly now accept I'm just not cut out for it- and definitely not safe.

Well done OP!

I trust that while you’ve been steeling yourself to drive, your DH has been busy watching videos about cooking and laundry and cleaning so that he can take on his fair share of those??

If not then suggest you send him some - and tell him you wish he’d contribute in those areas. Just like he told you he wished you’d contribute to the driving.

Its a life skill if you can master it without putting everyone else at risk. After years of trying I can't and hate it when people decide it makes me less of an adult.

if you have a full license already, get an automatic car. Much easier to park as you only need to concentrate on steering and you can keep it on a slow crawl easily without worrying about stalling. Also invest in some stick on blind spots on the mirrors.

I do understand his frustration. I like driving and it wouldn't bother me. However, I think a lot of people would be annoyed if their spouse never drove. If you are anxious you should go for advanced driver training. Driving is almost necessary with a child, especially as they get older.

Yes - although I would not use the word fault. The reasons someone might find it difficult to tackle their anxiety is complicated in the extreme and not a reason to criticize them. But at heart, I believe there is no anxiety that cannot be overcome. However, it requires really high motivation, solid distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills and decrease of secondary gain. If it is trauma related, like OP seems to be indicating, treating the anxiety and pushing through the initial discomfort, however strong it is, can open up the possibility of decreasing the impact of the trauma, not just in relation to the initial problem, but in wider life.

I have seen people do things they never thought they would be able to do and it is extraordinary to see the change. The minute people tell themselves they cant do something, they set up a self fulfilling prophecy.

An old colleague of mind hadn’t driven in a few years as she moved to a city so didn’t need to as much. When she needed to drive again for a new role she went and got several driving lessons just for confidence.

After starting driving in a busy city I also went a few years without needing to drive much and when I did it was rural driving with lots of parking spaces so I have gotten terrible at reversing into spaces and parallel parking in tight spaces when there is heavy traffic, I am getting better again from just being forced to out of necessity but am also tempted to get a lesson on parallel parking just to get quicker and more confident doing it in rush hour traffic.

I would get some brush up lessons for yourself and if you don’t have them already get parking sensors as it makes it so much easier to park! It does give you such freedom!

Your partner is being awful though - do a chores audit, both write down exactly what you do - cooking, cleaning, gardening, organising activities, getting kid ready for school, organising birthday presents, parties etc… all the small details - show it to him in black and white and ask him if he still thinks you are carrying less of the load!

Of course you should drive it's annoying everyone - just like any grown-up you should be able to type, cook a meal and look after a house - get a grip what example does it set to a kid when you get too anxious to park...no words ... don't fall apart because somebody's told you the truth

just like any grown-up you should be able to type, cook a meal and look after a house

Doesn’t sound like her DH can do two of these. No idea about his typing skills.

Are you sat in the back with your kid like your DH is a taxi driver ?

"....no words...." looks like quite a few words to me.

So what do you say about her husband not cooking at all or doing any sort of housework or doing any childcare and the OP doing it all?

Any words about that?

You say you do most of the kid stuff OP but as they get older most of the kid stuff will involve driving them round to school, hobbies, friends. You really need to get some refresher lessons.

Why does she "really need" to? She does literally everything else, on top of working FT. All he does with work and drive, big fucking deal!

He could then at least pull a tiny bit of his weight in their family! Sounds like it would be the only fucking thing he actually does!

Pushing through anxiety can make it worse!

Absolutely fine not to be attracted to them, but it's not always part of being an adult.
There's often reasons why people struggle to drive such as ADHD or dyspraxia.

And I'm sure the easiest solution would be to say what does it actually matter if you want to drive or not. Which, actually, it doesn't.

Can you rephrase please? I'm not quite understanding what you mean (sleep deprivation and brain fog).

Sorry, I was half doing something else when I typed that, so it was probably me not you!

What I really meant is all these people professing concern for op's anxiety around driving could alleviate it enormously by simply reassuring her she doesn't have to drive if she doesn't want to - which, in fact, she doesn't have to!

There is no law to say every citizen must drive; it's other people - including many posting here - who are imposing the pressure by judging her for that.

Yes and she would only be doing it to keep her lazy selfish wanker of a husband happy. She is fine as she is. He just moans as he wants her to take on the ONE job in their relationship that she doesnt already do. He wants to go to work and.....nothing. But to still have a fully facilitated life. ETA, if the OP got a storming promotion and earned mega bucks, he would probably quite cheerfully quit work too.

Rather than money spent on advanced driving courses or extra lessons that is being suggested, I think it would be better spent on therapy to find out why the ever loving FUCK she is putting up with this piece of crap, or rather (cos the "why" is in fact very easy to see) to help her kick him to the kerb and walk, not drive, away into the sunset without him!

Many people choose not to parallel park, it's a fairly normal thing to avoid doing it and I'm puzzled as to why you think there's any danger in that or that it means the car is not under control! It's hard to find spaces big enough or places that let you park long enough! Have you seen how big many cars are now! All the idiocy there is on the roads and you are frightened of innocent people that choose not to parallel park?