Eternally single and fed up

[SafeSex]

How do people make sense of life when you're single and childless? I've been single for twenty years and, more immediately, haven't had a conversation with an adult since last Thursday and won't until tomorrow.

I just matched with someone on Tinder and they asked where I live. I'd already told him the rough area of London and said I didn't want to be more specific, at which point he asked me if I was one of those crazy women who thinks every man is a stalker (complete with emoji). I explained I was just being cautious but apparently he "didn't agree with how I date" and I was not for him. WTF??

I'm reasonably good at making friends, but practically all of them are in couples and most have kids so weekends and holidays tend to involve a lot of solitude.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. Solidarity, maybe. Please don't give me a list of ways to meet people or how to meet men as I can assure you I have tried all of them, several times.

I'm quite independent, both practically and emotionally, but this is getting me down.

@Jollyhockeystickss what a snippy, nasty little comment. I don’t think OP seems like that at all.

Honestly I do think it is just luck. Nothing to do with you as a person, just pure luck.

OP you've been a little cheeky to people on here and it comes across as a bad attitude.
I also see you've said about meeting men once and not having any attraction so then it goes no further. Sometimes attraction isnt something that happens right away and it can build depending on what type of person they are.
I think it's great to have high expectations but could it be you are expecting a lot very early on, like after only one date? That's a lot of pressure to put on a man. You've obviously had a lot of bad experiences with men but I'd say that you're almost going into dates expecting the worst now.

If you have low self esteem and anxious attachment would a FWB not make you feel even worse?

Sounds tough .. my single friend is the same but she’s has zero dates in years as she won’t do internet dating. I encouraged her to try tennis despite the fact she’s not remotely athletic because it’s incredibly social .. gets you out at night and the weekends and it’s transformed her life. In terms of dating the people I know who have been successful at it have treated it like a job .. zero emotional investment and move on quickly if it’s not working but they put the time and effort into it. I hope things improve for you as I agree .. life is set up for couples .. it’s hard on your own

That's absolutely true. A coupled up person on this thread has said that if she was single, she wouldn't look again. But she's not single, and she's not making any effort at all to leave her relationship. Hence she'd rather be in it.

Does my relationship have its faults?Absolutely, yes. But I still like being in it. It's about having your person and someone who cares about you. It's about being held and cased and cuddled, and being made to feel sexy. Also, when i'm on my way home on a late night out with friends, you know, because we're not joined at the hip, it's having someone to text if I m having a rough journey and someone who will care and help me out.

Someone to check if i'm ok. Someone to go on holidays with. Someone to share your day with good and bad.

When I was single, it was like casting a coin into a wishing well. I'd send a few text out if I was bored and see if any of my friends would bite and often they wouldn't. It's nice having a partner who cares about you to talk to.

I really feel your pain because I was single for an extremely long time.Before I met my partner, but all I can say is just keep persevering.

I've been there, and I empathise.

I moved to London for Uni when I was 18 and I stayed for a total of 13 years. I had some of the best but also some of the loneliest times of my life whilst there. At Uni my best friends were Londoners who lived at home with parents or boyfriends. I very rarely spent time with them outside of Uni hours. Then when I left Uni my best friends were work colleagues who either lived with their other halves or they were out getting high on drugs and living a life I couldn't afford as I was paying off my student debt. As the years progressed my friends also included former housemates, who also lived with their other halves. I found my social life was thriving on school nights (Mon-Fri), but like you I was very much alone on the weekends and in the holidays. I spent a lot of time at the gym in the evenings and on weekends (not at all good for the social life either as everyone tends to keep to themselves). I'd go for long walks (from Brixton to central London and back) and I'd roam around stores, the parks etc. I felt so far removed from real life, surrounded by large groups of people having fun playing ball or frisbee, couples strolling hand in hand all smitten, and parents having fun with their kids (and who I swear would be looking at me suspiciously for walking through the park on my own). It was very, very lonely. I often wondered if it would be better to leave the city and move somewhere less anonymous. But then I'd go to my hometown to visit friends or family and would realise that it was even worse outside of London as virtually everyone was engaged, married, and/or a parent.

However, my experience was pre internet boom. There were no social groups - well, except ladies football or netball teams and they didn't interest me. It's soooo very different now. I'd suggest not focussing on finding romance and instead finding friendship groups that revolve around your interests. There are so many groups online. It will definitely be a bit hit and miss, but I guarantee things will fall into place if you go down this route. Book clubs, cinema outings, board game meets ups, roller skating sessions (check if they still do meet ups in Hyde Park), hiking excursions, even sober groups. You name it, there will be a group for it. You don't have to ditch your current friends. Just fit them around a social life that gives you more of the things you'd like in life.

And for the record, I came to realise that surviving London is no small feat. I met some really out there people in London who left the city feeling that they'd never cracked it, despite being some of the most sociable and friendly people I've ever met. I once thought it was easier for Aussies, Kiwis, Saffas etc as they often bonded with groups of others from their homeland. But it turned out that they were also some of the loneliest people around. So give yourself credit where credit it due, and look forward to your next chapter.

A lot of it is luck but I do think some people are programmed to be in relationships. Some of them are very good at it but some just never want to be single. People go on about loving yourself, being a wholly rounded person blah blah blah. In my line of work I see arguably the very “worst” of society- criminals, drug addicts with no teeth & look 20 years older than they are etc… and there is no shortage of women willing to be in a relationship with them. Some people will hang onto dead relationships for decades to avoid being alone. Others will cheat to line up the next replacement or date prolifically and go out with someone who seems fine than ticking every box. I had a friend who was married from a young age. Early 40s, husband left her. She went on 3-4 dates a week and now a few years later is engaged again. I’m not surprised as she is just a relationship type person. I’m not saying all people in relationships are have low standards but they are relationship type people. It definitely gets harder as you get older- you get more set in your ways, you tolerate a lot less, the dating pool shrinks and everyone has some form of baggage- exes, disappointment, cynicism, issues, kids etc. I think if you haven’t set your path in your 20s as someone who’s likely to always be in a relationship, the gulf between the perennially single and the perennially coupled up just widens as you get older.

Sorry! I've just seen that you've tried social groups too. Honestly though, persevere and try some more. Maybe in different areas.
Just thinking about it, are you interested in travel? Because another way one can make lifelong friends (and sometimes even a lifelong partner) is through travel. I've done a handful of organised tours and have met some of the loveliest this way. I'm still in touch with them now. Getting to know each other intimately very quickly isn't for everyone, but it certainly helps break the ice and some of my strongest friendship bonds have been formed this way.

I don’t think it’s true that someone is destined to be single, or if they’ve been single for years this will never change. As long as you have the will, motivation and ability to self reflect and persevere I think you can change the trajectory of life at any age (within reason). I know people who were completely single for many years, who then became happily coupled up (or unhappily). And vice versa. It’s not set in stone but if you want a different outcome then you need a different perspective, and different behaviour.

I found my social life was thriving on school nights (Mon-Fri), but like you I was very much alone on the weekends and in the holidays

I went through a period of this too and it’s grim. I could have filled my week nights three times over but weekends (and particularly Bank Holidays) were so hard. I remember one Easter weekend with absolutely no plans and it almost broke me. I like to think I would have done better had that difficult spell not occurred pre-internet though. In the end I got a bar job, just to keep me busy, it was a life-saver.

It doesn’t feel that long ago I was in your position. I remember finding weekends boring.

I do see your point. I would advise against dating sites that are free, it can attract people doing it all for the wrong reasons. Paid ones are not immune to the wrong sort, but there’s a better chance. Match and one of the other paid ones are good.
Also, take up hobbies, join walking groups, rowing groups etc. even if to increase your friendship circle. You need to love your weekends again.

OP lots of good advice here but I wanted to say you absolutely do have colour and life to you from the sounds of the things you get up to! You're feeling a bit down in the dumps and using a forum to express this, so of course you're not going to be full of colour and life in the way you're expressing yourself here, but you don't have to be for us.

I don't think the problem is who you are at all - it sounds like you're totally jaded with dating right now and maybe need a break? OLD is the worst, maybe concentrate on the activities you were doing before. I've heard good things about Time Left and Storiboard as apps/concepts for meeting new people, but they can be tedious too 😂

Would you ever consider moving out of London, living in a very rough area is very bad for your mental health…..I would know, I lived in London for 15 years and the last place I lived in whilst there was awful ( Tottenham) and influenced my decision to leave and move to a different city, the place was so grim, every time I left the house and walked down the street it made me feel distressed, my life has improved immensely since leaving

Not sure if it counts as solidarity as this isnt about the dating aspect, but I'm in a married couple with kids, my husband works away a lot, I've barely spoken to another adult this week either - so it's definitely not just you. Also, don't write off your married/mother friends, I absolutely love a weekend away with a friend. If someone had text me any night this week and offered to pop over with some wine I'd have bitten their hand off. I suspect we are all at home thinking "gosh I can't really ask Jen over because she's young and single and probably doing something fun, and I can't ask Sophie because she's got toddlers and I can't ask Tom because he's just got a new gf and wants to be with her every night etc etc".
It doesn't help with your man question at all, but if you need a bit more company then dating isn't the only option, your friends might surprise you (equally you might have tried them and they might not have surprised you!)

Get involved in sports, park runs, rowing, open water swimming, paddle, tennis, charity cycling events

What sort of therapy did you have and for how long?

Do you have a belief from your childhood that you are unlovable and therefore you expect to be rejected and you are already angry with your dates because of this expectation.

Have you heard of repetition compulsion where we recreate that which we experienced as a child and in your case that was being unable to connect with your parents?

I also have very critical parents and an absent father (he moved overseas when I was a teen and barely sends a couple of emails each year). I do think this plays a significant role in being unsuccessful in the relationship arena. I eventually realised I was attracting men that saw me as vulnerable and they had bad intent. The ones I did like didn't view me as relationship material.

However, some of the issue was definitely me too - the guys that did like me didn't tick my boxes - they weren't into fitness or travel at all (both play a big part in my life), they didn't have any aspirations, or I just didn't fancy them. I didn't think I had particularly high standards, but maybe I was unrealistic.

Aside from not having any emotional support from parents or family, I've also had no financial support and I really do believe this is also significant. Men are attracted to stunningly beautiful women, uber confident women, and women from rich and/or well-connected families. If you're from an emotionally and financially detached family and haven't been blessed with Goddess-like looks and dom-level confidence, you're romantically stuffed basically.

I am now in a long term relationship and am just over the mid 40s mark. But even 15 years ago I wouldn't have entertained being in a relationship with my other half as we're not really the most compatible couple on paper. But, he really cares for me, respects me, and he doesn't try and control me. And that's good enough.

Not necessarily if it was a clear, respectful arrangement. I'm not sure - I haven't done that kind of thing for quite a while.

Who said I live in a very rough area?!

I think that is a bit unfair.

This is obviously a bit of a sore point for me and I stated categorically I don't need lists of activities, so if people come on here to give me lists of activities or to subtly insult me it's hardly surprising I might seem a little chippy. I've also been answering and thanking people who have responded helpfully.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy for about 11 years. No, I don't think I am angry with my dates before we have met, but I am perhaps less forgiving than I might have been at one point and more likely to react to red flags (not necessarily a bad thing).

I'm late 30s and deleted my dating profiles a few years ago. I got two cats instead and joined a sports club. I'd highly recommend doing sports as part of a club that has a regular social after training. No organising required on your part, just show up. I'm still single, but more happily so, the sports club helped to find plenty of single friends who make time to hang out (and my muscles have grown).

Fwiw I got higher quality OLD matches after I deleted a profile and then set up a new one about a year later. Don't hide or pause your profile - properly delete it. Something to do with the algorithm and appealing to new customers. A male friend found similar and was snapped up within weeks. So if you still want to do OLD, try an app for a month max, then delete and try another app.

Complete solidarity OP. I am in the same boat. I also took anti-anxiety medication for about 18 months and it completey wiped out my sex drive for a good 3 years as well. Essentially when I leave work on Friday noone would notice untill I didn't arrive on Monday. I felt personally attacked by "Eleanor Rigby" and the book "Eleanor Oliphant is doing just fine" also brought up some stong feelings.

Its a horrible to not feel important to anyone. I really struggle personally when people rearrange things and they tell me why i.e. I can't meet today because I have to pick up something or someone. Essentially I hear that as that as XXX is more important than you. Which is understandable if it is a child etc.. not so much if it is the shopping or something that was aviodable.

I have had a lot of support through pyschology and am now getting to the stage where I am prepared to accept a CTPSD diagnosis and work through the stages of that recovery. I was initially relectant becuase of the lable of neglect, but now I am more secure in myself it is helping me to learn to trust people again.

Its really good that you have a) recognised this isn't what you want and b) are asking other people about it. A lot of people will project their own stuff on to you, but only you can live your life. I personally found working with a clincial pysch and analysis of behaviour helpful, but for you it might be something different.

Being single means you are free to live the life you wish to live. Its an amazing thing for a woman to be able to do, and now you know that you need solid relationships you can focus on that.

Men are also looking for red flags and going on a date with a cynical attitude ( looking for faults) and an unhappy demeanour are big red flags…..if you are not happy in yourself I think others can tell a mile of……I think most men of a certain age like smiling, upbeat, positive women.

If you are jaded from dating why don’t you take 6mths completely off it ( forget about men) and focus on new hobbies etc that you really enjoy doing and aren’t just doing in the hope of meeting men, you might have a different outlook at the end of that time