Eternally single and fed up

[SafeSex]

How do people make sense of life when you're single and childless? I've been single for twenty years and, more immediately, haven't had a conversation with an adult since last Thursday and won't until tomorrow.

I just matched with someone on Tinder and they asked where I live. I'd already told him the rough area of London and said I didn't want to be more specific, at which point he asked me if I was one of those crazy women who thinks every man is a stalker (complete with emoji). I explained I was just being cautious but apparently he "didn't agree with how I date" and I was not for him. WTF??

I'm reasonably good at making friends, but practically all of them are in couples and most have kids so weekends and holidays tend to involve a lot of solitude.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. Solidarity, maybe. Please don't give me a list of ways to meet people or how to meet men as I can assure you I have tried all of them, several times.

I'm quite independent, both practically and emotionally, but this is getting me down.

@Willthiswork12 really, is that your main takeaway from the OP? That she should have said her exact town? So you don’t have any issue with the guy saying ‘you think everyone is a stalker?’. Women should do whatever they like to make themselves feel secure, and men should have some understanding of why they are doing it. His response was immature.

I used Burned Haystacks dating strategy to rule unsuitable men out, and for that it seemed very sensible. The red flags identified seem pretty bad to me and given the deluge of unsuitable men and sexual invites, it helped me be more decisive. It didn't tell me who to focus on, I did that bit by myself. I agree the online group can be a bit negative, but I just dipped in and out and took what was useful, left the rest. I was on Bumble precisely three weeks before I found someone fantastic, so for me it was incredibly helpful and I'm hoping never to go back again in my life.

Jesus Christ. Arrogance? Is it arrogant not to meet a man at his home as that's suggesting you think he will find you attractive enough to want to rape you? Is it arrogant to lock your front door as that suggests you think someone considers your home is worth burgling? Is it arrogant to have a password on your email account because that must mean you think other people want to read your fascinating messages?

I don't quite know why I'm getting attacked by people when I started a pretty uncontroversial thread.

Yes, you're absolutely right: I'm paranoid, arrogant, colourless, too picky, friendless and a misandrist. And there was me thinking that being single was the worst of my problems...

To the (majority of) posters who have actually been sympathetic/supportive/helpful; thank you.

@SafeSex honestly, ignore some of these responses. People love to be contrary or can’t help bringing their own issues in.

Well, yes. Men pose a significant risk to women unfortunately. Many women will have experienced some sort of harassment, assault and abuse from men at some point in their lives. How are you to know the OP’s history, she may have experienced trauma and quite rightly being cautious as a result. Even if not, having boundaries and not wanting to give out personal details to a stranger is perfectly sensible.

I find your response tone deaf, and frankly bizarre.

I think you are getting attacked as your are definitely giving off a certain attitude, a bit sarky / smart assed, a bit cynical and perhaps bitter, and dare I say it a bit of a superiority complex…..If people can pick up on these from an online thread, they will definitely be able to pick up on them in real life.
I think you need a break from online dating as it can really mess with your mind

Just ignore the haters and be super proud of the fact that you're a real independent woman and worldly at that. Not one that leeches off of others their whole life or has all their sh** handed to them on a plate and who walks around ignorant to the ways of the world. Those individuals will never understand where people like your or I are coming from. And to be honest, partner or no partner, it's better to be someone who can stand on their own 2 feet.

Ignore the trolls, just report them.

Let's not defend insecure aggressive men. Or the many exhausting ways we strategise to reduce risk.

Hope you enjoy your tennis, badminton, or whatever you decide to do next @SafeSex.

I just re-read all the OP’s posts. I’m not seeing bitter, cynical wise ass at all. A joke about the ‘introvert’ job, and telling someone they were patronising and that’s it. Her posts have been really straightforward, honest and clear. In contrast there have been quite a few replies that are tone deaf or completely miss the point.

I don’t see this at all. I think the OP has received unnecessarily snide and hostile responses.

I could be wrong but any time an OP gets responses of that nature there is usually a reason behind it and the commenters are usually picking up a negative vibe from the OP……obviously none of us know her personally though so it could be unwarranted

What an absolutely vile comment, @Willthiswork12. A woman is arrogant to worry she might be raped? Opinions from the gutter.

People are trying to be kind and make constructive suggestions. If OLD is dangerous and risky, and the OP is fearful of stalkers and rapists - even more reason to drop it and meet men through mutual friends and interests….

Men are dangerous and risky, whether met through OLD or anywhere else! Many men present as being perfectly fine until behind closed doors so sadly having mutual friends does not mean much. The point is, the OP is perfectly reasonable to take precautions when dating, it does not make her ‘paranoid’ or irrational.

It isn’t kind or constructive to send someone a list of hobbies when they literally say in their OP they’re tried everything to meet someone. It’s really upsetting for someone in the dregs of long term single hood and feeling lonely to have people make glib suggestions like join a cycling club, as though it’s that simple or as though someone who has been single for years hasn’t thought of it before. It trivialises how horrible it can be to be a slightly
older single woman who would like a relationship.

@MrsGuyOfGisbournewhat was constructive or kind about your very long, self-indulgent post about your boyfriend on a boat? OP hadn’t mentioned she had any kind of ‘checklist’.

Of course you do, you're human. I'm sure it will happen for you.

I think the man you spoke to was ridiculous. Nobody would give out their home address before meeting someone, and knowing them a bit. You are well out of that one.

Plenty of men, I am sure, would have the same attitude as you. It's called being careful and self-protection is very important.

Thank you. It's very kind of you to take the time to do that and to post in my defence. I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you. I couldn't have put it better myself.

I quite agree.

Heaven preserve all of us from those who come up with suggestions of what we 'should' do, in all sorts of situations. Often based on the experience of others we have known (or even worse, friends of friends), who are nothing like us.

On another social media, I was speaking hypothetically about loneliness being a state of mind for some people, nothing to do with being alone. I immediately got the suggestion that many church halls do drop in coffee and cake mornings - the suggestion being for me and I hadn't even been talking about me, or anyone in particular, the subject had just come up! I was gobsmacked but it really was quite funny. At least bingo wasn't mentioned.

You do what suits you at any given time, SafeSex, that includes doing nothing if you so wish. The best things sometimes turn up serendipitously.

Hi I'm sorry you're feeling like this - it's horrible to feel lonely. I've not read all the comments but I get the gist that some haven't been very nice. I'm sorry for that too because I can't see you've said anything that warrants it. I have experienced loneliness but I haven't really been in your exact situation and don't know much about online dating so can't really give any proper advice but wanted to say that, in my view, you are being way too hard and putting way too much pressure on yourself. I really admire people who shape themselves and no one could say you've not done that! But I agree with the poster above re doing nothing for a bit - cut yourself slack and just spend 6 months only doing things that make you feel positive and good about yourself. Delete all the dating apps - spend some time only doing things that make you happy. For me that would be doing things to help others, drinking wine and watching Strictly so that's the only advice from personal experience I can give! Best of luck with it all op x

Hello! Sorry to hear this. Offering solidarity, I was single for so so long while everyone coupled or I was with men who were terrible to me! 😂 I made my peace with it it lots of ways and made a lot of my own joy and community with friends, travel, learning things outside of work and volunteering etc. I took a lot from The Unexpected Joy of Being Single. I also did therapy - for anxiety
but relationships were relevant a lot. I started making life plans based on just me and what made me happy. Before that I felt like I was in a waiting room. Waiting to be picked. What do you like doing? Get out there and do it selfishly with no one else to think about. I also see lots of brilliant friends married to men that are jerks to them.

I don’t want this to sound like a fairy tale. I never expected to meet someone. But I did. On Tinder. And he’s really wonderful. I got married at 40 and we can’t have kids but 🤷🏻‍♀️ so what we got a rescue dog. I also know lots of couples who are married or engaged and met on Tinder. I figure it’s a numbers game to an extent. All the apps are the same. Lots of dicks on there - but lots of normals too. Just like real life.

can I suggest How Not to Die Alone by Logan Ury. Appreciate the name is a bit on the money! But it’s really about how we relate to other people and it made me realise I was self sabotaging to an extent. https://www.abebooks.co.uk/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=31818203764&dest=gbr&ref_=ps_ggl_2039220669&cm_mmc=ggl--UK_Shopp_Tradestandard--product_id=UK9780349442150USED-_-keyword=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=2039220669&gbraid=0AAAAAD3Y6gsWxsZpfhipWPTnkb2H6z5yk&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIy5iQvqXljwMVHZBQBh2zEgP_EAQYAiABEgLkkvD_BwE

I wish you joy with or without meeting someone

Thank you - there are some good suggestions there, and a message of hope without the smugness that some posters can't seem to help on similar threads. Much appreciated.