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Original poster

Eternally single and fed up

177 replies

SafeSex · 15/09/2025 11:46

How do people make sense of life when you're single and childless? I've been single for twenty years and, more immediately, haven't had a conversation with an adult since last Thursday and won't until tomorrow.

I just matched with someone on Tinder and they asked where I live. I'd already told him the rough area of London and said I didn't want to be more specific, at which point he asked me if I was one of those crazy women who thinks every man is a stalker (complete with emoji). I explained I was just being cautious but apparently he "didn't agree with how I date" and I was not for him. WTF??

I'm reasonably good at making friends, but practically all of them are in couples and most have kids so weekends and holidays tend to involve a lot of solitude.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. Solidarity, maybe. Please don't give me a list of ways to meet people or how to meet men as I can assure you I have tried all of them, several times.

I'm quite independent, both practically and emotionally, but this is getting me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 22:45

Agapornis · 15/09/2025 22:35

I'm late 30s and deleted my dating profiles a few years ago. I got two cats instead and joined a sports club. I'd highly recommend doing sports as part of a club that has a regular social after training. No organising required on your part, just show up. I'm still single, but more happily so, the sports club helped to find plenty of single friends who make time to hang out (and my muscles have grown).

Fwiw I got higher quality OLD matches after I deleted a profile and then set up a new one about a year later. Don't hide or pause your profile - properly delete it. Something to do with the algorithm and appealing to new customers. A male friend found similar and was snapped up within weeks. So if you still want to do OLD, try an app for a month max, then delete and try another app.

Edited

Unfortunately I am not at all sporty (I'm not unfit, I'm just shit at sport) so I don't think anyone would be attracted to my inability to return the ball over the net or what have you. I suppose I can just about manage badminton, so I guess that might be worth exploring.

The algorithm tip is very useful; thanks.

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 15/09/2025 22:45

It sucks sometimes. And other times it is lovely. Sorry you are having a rough patch.

MyPinkTraybake · 15/09/2025 22:46

I'm single and childless, been single for 13 years.

Re. loneliness I've learned how much time is not good for me to spend on my own.

I'm not sure how this relates to the Tinder part of your post. I've 'done' Tinder and they just sound like an idiot? You maybe had an instinct and that was probably right.

Mostly past partners are ones that I've met through friends or work TBH.

I've been through phases of dating for fun - it did wonders for my confidence after a relationship ended badly in my 30s.

Finding a partner for me is very much about being friends first. I'm inclined towards the Kate Middleton model of being friends for up to a year before deciding if you want to progress things.

I'm also a fan of 'I'm going here anyway' - think of a regular place you go like coffee shops and meet for a coffee there when you're going anyway. That way its no disappointment if someone cancels.

I'm also unsurprised by the comments about London men - there seems to be a level of anguish 😂

Atm I love my own company and am exploring things I enjoy.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
2021x · 15/09/2025 22:47

MyPinkTraybake · 15/09/2025 22:46

I'm single and childless, been single for 13 years.

Re. loneliness I've learned how much time is not good for me to spend on my own.

I'm not sure how this relates to the Tinder part of your post. I've 'done' Tinder and they just sound like an idiot? You maybe had an instinct and that was probably right.

Mostly past partners are ones that I've met through friends or work TBH.

I've been through phases of dating for fun - it did wonders for my confidence after a relationship ended badly in my 30s.

Finding a partner for me is very much about being friends first. I'm inclined towards the Kate Middleton model of being friends for up to a year before deciding if you want to progress things.

I'm also a fan of 'I'm going here anyway' - think of a regular place you go like coffee shops and meet for a coffee there when you're going anyway. That way its no disappointment if someone cancels.

I'm also unsurprised by the comments about London men - there seems to be a level of anguish 😂

Atm I love my own company and am exploring things I enjoy.

This is a great attitude. Taking down notes.

MyPinkTraybake · 15/09/2025 22:49

SafeSex · 15/09/2025 22:45

Unfortunately I am not at all sporty (I'm not unfit, I'm just shit at sport) so I don't think anyone would be attracted to my inability to return the ball over the net or what have you. I suppose I can just about manage badminton, so I guess that might be worth exploring.

The algorithm tip is very useful; thanks.

Show quote history

Toast Masters is also a good one - lots of professional men. There's such a dearth of places where single men socialise with women in an environment that feels comfortable- this was definitely one of them.

Also recommend the FIRE community- you'd meet someone potentially aligned with values of building a fun future together.

Namechangedagain999 · 15/09/2025 22:50

SafeSex · 15/09/2025 13:10

Thank you, but, as I said in my OP, I don't need lists of where to meet people. I have done volunteering, charity work, book groups, walking groups, a million evening classes of different sorts, choirs, Meetups, social groups, etc.

Show quote history

If you’ve done all that. Maybe just relax. Someone will happen along I’m sure. Stop trying so hard. And if they don’t then it’ll be fine.

Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 22:52

MyPinkTraybake · 15/09/2025 22:49

Toast Masters is also a good one - lots of professional men. There's such a dearth of places where single men socialise with women in an environment that feels comfortable- this was definitely one of them.

Also recommend the FIRE community- you'd meet someone potentially aligned with values of building a fun future together.

Show quote history

I'm impressed you've managed to suggest two things I hadn't even heard of, never mind tried! Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 22:53

MyPinkTraybake · 15/09/2025 22:46

I'm single and childless, been single for 13 years.

Re. loneliness I've learned how much time is not good for me to spend on my own.

I'm not sure how this relates to the Tinder part of your post. I've 'done' Tinder and they just sound like an idiot? You maybe had an instinct and that was probably right.

Mostly past partners are ones that I've met through friends or work TBH.

I've been through phases of dating for fun - it did wonders for my confidence after a relationship ended badly in my 30s.

Finding a partner for me is very much about being friends first. I'm inclined towards the Kate Middleton model of being friends for up to a year before deciding if you want to progress things.

I'm also a fan of 'I'm going here anyway' - think of a regular place you go like coffee shops and meet for a coffee there when you're going anyway. That way its no disappointment if someone cancels.

I'm also unsurprised by the comments about London men - there seems to be a level of anguish 😂

Atm I love my own company and am exploring things I enjoy.

Thank you - some useful thoughts here.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 15/09/2025 22:54

SafeSex · 15/09/2025 22:45

Unfortunately I am not at all sporty (I'm not unfit, I'm just shit at sport) so I don't think anyone would be attracted to my inability to return the ball over the net or what have you. I suppose I can just about manage badminton, so I guess that might be worth exploring.

The algorithm tip is very useful; thanks.

Show quote history

Fwiw only about 20% of the people in my club think they're actually good at sport. Lots of us had a shit time doing sports in school. No one is a prodigy aiming for the Olympics once you're past 30 - we're just there to have fun and hopefully we'll get better with practice. I don't do badminton but know some of the London clubs are very leisurely indeed. Shop around, most clubs will let you do a class for free.

This is quite a nice encouraging comedy adjacent strength sports podcast, with short interviews with women. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/m001kh5r

BBC Sounds - Jessica Fostekew: Sturdy Girl Club - Available Episodes

Listen to the latest episodes of Jessica Fostekew: Sturdy Girl Club on BBC Sounds.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/m001kh5r

workshy46 · 15/09/2025 23:14

SafeSex · 15/09/2025 22:45

Unfortunately I am not at all sporty (I'm not unfit, I'm just shit at sport) so I don't think anyone would be attracted to my inability to return the ball over the net or what have you. I suppose I can just about manage badminton, so I guess that might be worth exploring.

The algorithm tip is very useful; thanks.

Show quote history

Most beginners in tennis are the same and they tend to have mixed social nights with male beginners too so everyone is crap and people spend most of their time chatting and laughing at how bad they are. It’s not necessarily to meet men but it’s incredibly social and people play weekends etc and you will broaden your social circle rapidly. Like I’ve made v v close friends really quickly through tennis .. more so than through anything else in my life and then you get invited to things you would never have had access to before. Drinks after a game is common etc . It really has changed my friends life v quickly and she is not remotely sporty and still v v much a beginner. I know you don’t want hobby suggestions but this is something I’ve seen work .. in real life.

Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 23:23

workshy46 · 15/09/2025 23:14

Most beginners in tennis are the same and they tend to have mixed social nights with male beginners too so everyone is crap and people spend most of their time chatting and laughing at how bad they are. It’s not necessarily to meet men but it’s incredibly social and people play weekends etc and you will broaden your social circle rapidly. Like I’ve made v v close friends really quickly through tennis .. more so than through anything else in my life and then you get invited to things you would never have had access to before. Drinks after a game is common etc . It really has changed my friends life v quickly and she is not remotely sporty and still v v much a beginner. I know you don’t want hobby suggestions but this is something I’ve seen work .. in real life.

Show quote history

Ok, I guess that's worth considering. (That's not meant to sound ungrateful, I'm just mulling over the very real potential for public humiliation...) Given it's now mid September I've got some time to think about it!

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 15/09/2025 23:31

My remedy for a break up and that screaming loneliness feeling when you are single and presuming you can enjoy your own company sexually. Book a lovely series of massages …touch is healing and often you get to have a healing chat if that’s what you’d want too.

Agapornis · 15/09/2025 23:47

Indoor tennis! No excuse ;) (before they convert them all to padel courts...)

I do a type of martial arts and it's very good for the physical touch element. It's just that the physical touch may involve a throw, lock or punch 😅

Touch rugby and softball also have good attitudes to beginners, not sure when their season runs though.

Notascouser1990 · 15/09/2025 23:51

Thingyfanding · 15/09/2025 20:27

I didn’t mean to match with any old random people - you still have to have things in common. I was still quite selective but out of 800 + matches, I probably spoke to 50 and whittled it down to 6 I wanted to date, and found my partner in that 6. The other 5 were very nice too and I had a lovely time. I feel like I make a lot of effort to get to know people and knew from talking to them beforehand that we were going to get along so expected the dates to be good.

Edited
Show quote history

Wow. 800+ matches and spoke to 50? I'm on Hinge and only got about 12 matches so far and spoken to no one. I must be hideous 😪

Dillydollydingdong · 16/09/2025 00:00

Nothing wrong with being an introvert! They're just as valuable as anyone else.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 16/09/2025 00:22

I have an amazing suggestion for you, OP. Join Burned Haystack group on Facebook, you will enjoy the company of other similar aged women dating, and if you follow the guidance, you will weed 90 percent of the dross out of the dating sites and although you will be left with far fewer people they will be decent prospects. I found someone using this method and it was much less painful than before. Also use Bumble not Tinder and possibly Hinge and be ruthless in applying the rules. Set your distance wide, don't just date jaded Londoners, but then block to burn (see method) heavily. Nice men show up but are hidden by the awful or uncommitted or married ones, this approach helps you find them. It's free, although Jennie the founder is writing a book, buy it when it comes out.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 16/09/2025 00:24

@Notascouser1990 go on Bumble with a refreshed new profile, Hinge is much slower.

SnowFrogJelly · 16/09/2025 00:29

If you want to find someone try a better site than tinder

Original poster
SafeSex · 16/09/2025 00:45

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 16/09/2025 00:22

I have an amazing suggestion for you, OP. Join Burned Haystack group on Facebook, you will enjoy the company of other similar aged women dating, and if you follow the guidance, you will weed 90 percent of the dross out of the dating sites and although you will be left with far fewer people they will be decent prospects. I found someone using this method and it was much less painful than before. Also use Bumble not Tinder and possibly Hinge and be ruthless in applying the rules. Set your distance wide, don't just date jaded Londoners, but then block to burn (see method) heavily. Nice men show up but are hidden by the awful or uncommitted or married ones, this approach helps you find them. It's free, although Jennie the founder is writing a book, buy it when it comes out.

Thanks, Jennie. 😉

OP posts:
Frequentlyincorrectbut · 16/09/2025 01:00

I'm not Jennie but I wish I was as she's fab and has a PhD in rhetoric. I did find someone using BHDM though.

Scoffin · 16/09/2025 02:04

I'm not in the same situation but Arrangements in Blue by Amy Key is a book written by a long term single woman in her 40s about building a single life. It's hopeful but honest about the shit bits too. Would recommend.

iamnotalemon · 16/09/2025 02:48

SafeSex · 15/09/2025 20:16

I have quite low self-esteem and "anxious attachment", probably due to a very emotionally (and, often, physically) absent father and quite critical parents. I didn't have very good body image (although now think I have a very good figure for my age) and was very late to have a physical relationship. I tend to attract, and be attracted to, men who are avoidant. On paper the guys I date are intelligent, sorted, solvent and have good jobs, but in practice they are emotionally stunted and unavailable. I don't go looking for men who are obviously unavailable (i.e. who already have a partner) or who are clearly unsuitable.

I do know other people are single - otherwise there would be no OLD - but certainly in my circle of friends and family no-one else seems to have particularly struggled to find a partner, or even a second partner after being widowed (in a few cases) or separating. One even managed to find a new partner while nursing her husband through a terminal illness, whereas even without any obvious baggage I can't even find a decent FWB situation.

Show quote history

We sound very similar to be honest. I’m mid 40s, no children and have been single for what feels like forever. It does get me down at times, especially when other people seem to make it look so easy. I don’t have any advice, but you are not alone.

iamnotalemon · 16/09/2025 02:48

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 16/09/2025 00:22

I have an amazing suggestion for you, OP. Join Burned Haystack group on Facebook, you will enjoy the company of other similar aged women dating, and if you follow the guidance, you will weed 90 percent of the dross out of the dating sites and although you will be left with far fewer people they will be decent prospects. I found someone using this method and it was much less painful than before. Also use Bumble not Tinder and possibly Hinge and be ruthless in applying the rules. Set your distance wide, don't just date jaded Londoners, but then block to burn (see method) heavily. Nice men show up but are hidden by the awful or uncommitted or married ones, this approach helps you find them. It's free, although Jennie the founder is writing a book, buy it when it comes out.

That is a great group!

Thingyfanding · 16/09/2025 04:01

Notascouser1990 · 15/09/2025 23:51

Wow. 800+ matches and spoke to 50? I'm on Hinge and only got about 12 matches so far and spoken to no one. I must be hideous 😪

Edited
Show quote history

I doubt it! It might just be my settings as I was willing to travel to meet people and had my radius set quite wide.

Iocainepowder · 16/09/2025 04:08

Hi op.

As a PP said, grass isn’t always greener. I was happiest when I was single and did what I wanted. I am currently up at 4am because my kid won’t sleep and i have to work today. It’s shit.

Do you ever contact your friends (the one with families/kids) to ask to hang out at the weekends or evenings? As a mum, i would bite your arm off at a chance for a friend around.