Eternally single and fed up

[SafeSex]

How do people make sense of life when you're single and childless? I've been single for twenty years and, more immediately, haven't had a conversation with an adult since last Thursday and won't until tomorrow.

I just matched with someone on Tinder and they asked where I live. I'd already told him the rough area of London and said I didn't want to be more specific, at which point he asked me if I was one of those crazy women who thinks every man is a stalker (complete with emoji). I explained I was just being cautious but apparently he "didn't agree with how I date" and I was not for him. WTF??

I'm reasonably good at making friends, but practically all of them are in couples and most have kids so weekends and holidays tend to involve a lot of solitude.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. Solidarity, maybe. Please don't give me a list of ways to meet people or how to meet men as I can assure you I have tried all of them, several times.

I'm quite independent, both practically and emotionally, but this is getting me down.

I met my DH on OLD. I’d been out for wine with friends, and was boredom swiping at midnight without my glasses. Woke up the next morning and he was the best of a bad bunch. Every photo looked like a different person, clearly very outdated but figured how much worse can it be than the ones I’m picking sober with good vision? Went out and was shocked at how much better he looked in person, and how generally great he was. He just hated OLD and put no effort into his profile. I suggest match swiping semi inebriated with one eye closed. It worked for me 😂.

The tennis suggestion is really interesting and I assume most clubs play all year round (assuming indoor facilities) so it’s not just a summer sport? Thinking of David Lloyd clubs here? And coaching is probably available?

I’m a member of a local tennis club and a David Lloyd, we do play all winter at both although obviously games do get called off if the weather is too bad outside. David Lloyd is quite variable with tennis, quite a lot of the new ones are now being built with padel courts, so there’s less tennis, but padel is probably even more sociable, and you’re running around less. Pickleball is also popular. I think one of the reasons that racquet sports are quite sociable is that there is a lot of contact between playing, because of arranging games independently with people. I love tennis though so it works for me, it possibly wouldn’t work if you’re not really that bothered about tennis!

Relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be trust me I spent 10 years with my ex husband who was awful then thought I'd met one of life's good ones worked hard treated me well took on my older kids then boom my life blew up and there's another almost 13 years of my life down the pan and another 4 kids under my belt .
I'll never ever trust another man as long as I live

I definitely think paddle is easier to play as a beginner than tennis!! It’s a hugely social game at my DL and if I was looking to meet a partner I’d probably join in!

This does come across.
Good job/solvent /what is a ‘good’ job?
I have only met men in RL, and currently in a relationship with. fantastic man who I never would have connected with if I’d been you on dating app.
I have a postgrad degree, have earned £££, now happily divorced and wealthy, travel a lot, intellectual pursuits.
He left school with a few GCSEs, initially manual jobs, now a driving instructor.
Six years younger than me (so the algorithms would never have matched us.)
Ungrammatical texts, misspellings.
Nerdish hobby.
Lives on a narrowboat.
He would never go on apps anyway.
But he is the best! So funny, kind, intelligent in a non-academic way, honest, messages several times a day with genuine interest, is caring and fantastic in bed - you really wouldn’t think it on first meeting as he is quiet and reserved.
A man does not have to meet all your needs /in my case if I want to talk about Shakespeare (my passion) I have plenty of friends I can do that with.
We went on weekend away on his narrowboat for our third date, been on two other week long holidays since then (shared costs equally) and had the best time very natural, fun. Only 6months in, but about to go an another holiday next week -feels like I’ve known him years.
But a ‘checklist’ would have missed all of this.
Interestingly a (long term singke serial OLD) friend of mine was horrified before she met him when she heard he lives on a boat. ‘Whhhhhaaat??? You can’t go out with a man who loves on a BOAT!!!!’
So maybe give some of these guys more than one date, and not be prickly about a simple question re location - NWLondon is a big area.

Really don’t do this! Its an appalling group /she is so judgmental ‘rhetorical patterns’ cod psychology/ really comes across that she hates men!
She has found a useful gimmick and people have pounced on it.
Men (and women) can’t be expected to be expert wordsmiths (and if they are, perhaps they read her stuff and manipulated it).
Instead of parsing ‘rhetorical patterns’ just meet for a coffee, or better still an outing to pub comedy etc.

Agree!!

I met DH in RL too - we would never have matched on line!!!

Very true i have a male friend who really fancies me hes not my type on any level but he really grew on me over time, he ended up going out with someone else but you can grow to like and fancy someone

@MrsGuyOfGisbourne its not being ‘prickly’ not to tell a stranger online the exact town you live in, especially if it can be combined with other identifying details. I made that mistake once and was tracked down by someone I had turned down. I’m very circumspect now with details.

I think you’ve been incredibly polite to people OP considering how patronising and insulting some of these posts have been.

I met my husband on Tinder 9 years ago. I think it’s luck but also I was very bold from the beginning in terms of do you want a relationship or not? Let’s meet up after the first chat. I couldn’t be bothered sending endless messages 😂 I dated lots of guys through Tinder, so much fun and cool dates, not all of them my style but all them they were good guys to be honest other than one!

I had a very similar experience to you. I met my husband on tinder 7 years ago. I am younger than the OP though, and I think online dating is more challenging 40 + especially in London.

I can only tell you that connecting with the current friend took a while and a month of conversations before entering into a situationship.
Seven months in now and TBH we spend more time walking, shopping, in restaurants and cafes than having sex.
Been away a few times for weekends sightseeing as we enjoy the same interests.
probably see each other 3 - 4 times a month and occasional phone calls in between and odd text. Some of those meetings are lunch only.
it was an OLD connection,

I don't really agree, but that's fine. I've been single and married too, and I don't feel it's helpful to see relationship = good and happy, single = sad and miserable. This thinking is really common, and it's due to the expectations and norms about being "chosen" as a woman by a man, and not left on the shelf for the most part. That thinking is what's not helpful.

And OP can want a relationship AND currently have freedom and autonomy and enjoy that. It's not mutually exclusive.

don't feel it's helpful to see relationship = good and happy, single = sad and miserable

I don’t think anyone is really saying that. If anything, the opposite - some have really determinedly pushed this idea that being single is the one true way to be happy. And there are advantages, of course there are. But just the same, it’s frustrating when you can’t vent about the downsides, and there are downsides. Being single can be lonely, expensive, you can often feel as if you’re on the periphery of life and that can be really hard, especially as you get older.

@biscuitsandabreak of course, as with every thing in this life there are two sides to every situation. But being able to focus on the benefits of the one you find yourself in is probably more of a key to a happy life than finding the same man farting in your kitchen every morning.

If someone told me they lived in Stepney Green (example), I wouldn't have a fucking clue how to go about finding them. Not that I would want to.

Without so much as a surname or phone number (if you're still at dating app stage) what would one do, hang around on every street corner trying to find them?!

I do think it can be a little bit arrogant and unnecessary. Not everyone is interested enough in you to risk jail time. Far from it.

Edit - the photograph is the biggest risk. Dont believe me - go to Pim Eyes and do an image search using your face. Bloody terrifying what comes up. You cant not put a photo on though.

@Willthiswork12 OP had also given info about her job. Combine that with her first name, reverse searching photos , then adding an exact town isn’t a good idea. No-one should be pressuring someone to give more details online than they are comfortable giving.

In my case the person I was speaking to on OLD was able to work out who I was, and I had already mentioned the pub I drank in as we had discussed meeting there. When I decided not to meet (as he was a liar using fake photos) he said he was going to hang out i the pub every night anyway waiting for me. I had no idea who he really was or what he looked like, he had every idea who I was.

He could equally have just hung around outside my work, no pub necessary. And once you know someone’s identify and town it’s not rocket science to find their exact address.

I think if someone doesn’t want to give specific details of where they live, before they’ve even met, it’s a red flag not to respect that boundary and keep pushing it.

What age men are you choosing to date?

In that case, if he's got a reverse image search of her face info about her job and her first name, it doesn't matter whether she tells him what district.She lives in or not. It will be readily available from a 192 search. Unless you're ex directory and which case what's the problem.