Eternally single and fed up

[SafeSex]

How do people make sense of life when you're single and childless? I've been single for twenty years and, more immediately, haven't had a conversation with an adult since last Thursday and won't until tomorrow.

I just matched with someone on Tinder and they asked where I live. I'd already told him the rough area of London and said I didn't want to be more specific, at which point he asked me if I was one of those crazy women who thinks every man is a stalker (complete with emoji). I explained I was just being cautious but apparently he "didn't agree with how I date" and I was not for him. WTF??

I'm reasonably good at making friends, but practically all of them are in couples and most have kids so weekends and holidays tend to involve a lot of solitude.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. Solidarity, maybe. Please don't give me a list of ways to meet people or how to meet men as I can assure you I have tried all of them, several times.

I'm quite independent, both practically and emotionally, but this is getting me down.

I meant, I have a busy job but as an introvert....!

I hated every moment of internet dating. I eventually worked out that I didn't particularly want a partner but I did want to be a mother so I went the solo route for that. It is not for everyone. I know I am highly unlikely to have another relationship (and I am really, really bad at them) which probably means no sex, but there you go. I find it frustrating when people say 'you can still meet someone' or 'don't give up' because I've figured out how much time and energy I am prepared to put into looking and that isn't much these days!

I did enjoy being single - I love the freedom of solo travel. I love day trips to new places and solo cinema trips. I also made a point of going to the corner shop/market when I wasn't going out over the weekend so I had a conversation with an adult, even a couple of minutes with a stranger.

It works for me, but it isn't for everyone and I fear I've rambled...

Fortunately in London the chances of meeting someone OLD who knows anyone I know are pretty slim.

Tried Bumble, tried Hinge. Same shit, different app.

Too old.

Keep looking but try to relax about it. Being past the age of having a baby is a blessing - you don’t need to date in a frenzy and end up in a sub-optimal relationship because you want to get pregnant asap. Decenter men, live full life to the full doing exactly what you want to do - make the most of being single. Relationships come with compromise and other people’s bad habits. I met DP completely unexpectedly on a night out when meeting men was the last thing on my mind (just moved to a new country, healing from last relationship etc.), so it can just happen out of the blue. Stay positive. Good luck 😊

If you’ve genuinely tried all of the above clubs/groups and dating sites and nothing has come of it, it is a bit unusual.

Helpful...

Oh, sorry to ask then. Do you have true good friendships?

Are you creative and can find satisfaction via this?

I know you don't want ways to meet people but surely it's better to go out and live life and find someone along the way than try to find a man via apps?

If I were in your position that's what I would be doing. I'd be throwing myself into stuff and would expect romantic connection to come along at some point.

I would say that the looking for a job analogy is only partly right, in that you're not every really looking for a job that you'll do and love every day until you die. If you were, it would be very difficult to find one that fit the bill. You're not interviewing men for the position of husband. You're looking for some interesting people to hang out with, and maybe one of them will manage to keep your interest for a long time, and a series of many many dates spans years.

If you're talking to men on dating apps, there must be the odd one that you wouldn't mind giving an hour of your time over a coffee. That's all you're looking for. Meet them, if you wouldn't mind seeing them again, then do that. And repeat. If they're just diabolical and you don't want to see any of them again, why? What is it that you don't find attractive? You mentioned they're all commitment phobes, at what point does that become evident to you?

What is really difficult is to find another human from the get go who ticks all the boxes, and has got potential to be "the one". You're just looking for someone, maybe more than one person, who you like the company of, who is interesting, and who you feel better having spent time with. Does that sound doable?

Like what? It’s the most popular dating app, or it used to be. The last three weddings I attended, the couples met on tinder.

How old are you OP? I’m just asking for context.

Maybe post on the childfree forum, many posters describe how their lives are full of meaning and joy, despite not having children.

OLD can be a quagmire, it is often a numbers game as posters have already said. Have you joined any meet up / hobby groups to meet like minded people more generally?

I’m in the same position OP. I honestly think it’s harder in London to meet someone in a smaller place rather than easier, as it’s so transient. I’ve given up on dating for now - I keep saying I’ve given up ‘for now’ but every time I think of OLD again my heart sinks. I would like love and companionship though, so know I’ll return to it at some point and give it another go. I’m probably older than you, mid-50s.

For stuff to do I do some creative hobbies, and do a mix of things for holidays. Short trips by myself or with friends, longer trips I do as organised group holidays with Explore or similar. I go to the theatre by myself. I got myself some new single friends on the Bumble friendship section, which has really helped expand what I do socially. I do go days sometimes without speaking to anyone but I don’t really care about that, I’m pretty introverted.

Yes and yes, to a certain extent, but you can't come home and chat to a French grammar book or go to bed with a badminton racket.

I do go out and live life. Romantic connection did "come along" in my twenties, and even thirties, but not any longer; presumably as far more people are now paired up - or perhaps I'm just utterly hideous in every aspect.

The guy I matched with today told me I was beautiful, warm, elegant and intelligent (to be fair he only had some photos and a bit of text chat to go on) but as soon as I wouldn't tell him exactly where I live he "didn't agree with my way of dating". I guess that possibly meant he realised he wouldn't be able to totally control me, or something.

I can't remember the last time I had a second date. Well that's maybe a slight exaggeration, but usually the cracks start to show after a month or so as the guy can't keep up the pretence that he wants the relationship he claimed he was looking for. It's embarrassing, frankly, that most teenagers manage longer liaisons.

Not much older!

Maybe I'll try Bumble friendship. It would be good to have some more single friends who are available at the weekend.

I’m picking up that you seem to have a bit of a funny attitude towards men that are interested in you. You’ve got to give them a chance. Perhaps try thinking a bit more optimistically about how things might develop. Asking where you live is quite a practical question- you don’t need to give out your full address

Well it is unusual. You might need a rethink if you’re serious about meeting someone. Do you take care of yourself? Are you a good conversationalist? I respect that you’re picky as I believe you should keep your standards high but we also have to be realistic.

I do think there is a real commitment issue with some men ... I did meet my partner on hinge though and he's wonderful so I do think these things work. But it does just take a lot of trying and also being quite ruthless yourself. Maybe take a break for a while and focus on other things.

Who usually ends things- is it you or the man or evenly split? How often do things progress beyond the first date?

I know two older couples who met as Ramblers. Walking and talking can make for a good way of getting to know someone.

the guy can't keep up the pretence that he wants the relationship he claimed he was looking for

And how about you, would you have considered all of them a candidate for pursuing a long term relationship with at that point, when they decided they no longer were? It's possible that they were looking for a long term relationship, but didn't feel the necessary connection with you. Did you feel a connection worth pursuing with all of them?

Ooh, now both helpful and patronising...

I'm well aware it's unusual. I had many years of therapy to try to work out the underlying cause. Yes, I take care of myself - I am slim and although not hugely into fashion would wear something smart/nice on a date with tidy, clean hair and some make-up, blah, blah. I don't look like a Love Island contestant but I'm perfectly presentable. Yes, I'm a good conversationalist - I have many areas of interest, points of view on things and am quite witty. I do not monologue, I don't have extreme or wacky views, I don't have ASD (not that people on the autistic spectrum don't have successful relationships - probably more so than me, in most cases - but it can be a barrier), I don't have bad table manners and I wouldn't get overly drunk on a date.

In fact that last chap I went on a date with commented that I was "rather brilliant" and clearly wanted to see me again, but unfortunately I didn't fancy him. So perhaps I'm too picky...

Did you get any insights from therapy @SafeSex ?

What is this "funny attitude"? I had already told him I live in (i.e.) NW London and had told him I didn't live too far from him. Why the need to probe further at that point when he already knew we lived relatively close to each other which is surely all that matters before we'd even met?

He had my first name (which isn't common), he had my job which gives away the sort of institution where I work. If I also told him where I live (which happens to be where I work as well) he could probably have successfully googled me and I didn't want him to be able to do that.