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Favourite stupid joke

229 replies

BarilynBordeaux · 27/06/2025 18:40

Times are hard so I wanted to start a thread of dumb jokes that crack you up.

my favourite:

Thinking about getting a glass urn when I die…Remains to be seen.

OP posts:
ShiningforLeeBertie · 30/06/2025 13:54

I went to MC Hammers house for dinner last night. He's surprisingly strict

Or

I phoned the suppository advice line last night, they are so rude.

BettyCrockerClinic · 30/06/2025 17:55

One Christmas at Sandringham, Camilla and Fergie sneak away from the formalities and share a couple of bottles of wine and a few secrets.

Camilla confides that, although she and Charles have a great sex life, “Whenever I suck his cock, it gives me terrible indigestion.”

Fergie says “Oh! You should try Andrew’s.”

JohnTheRevelator · 30/06/2025 18:45

Someone asked me why I was carrying a door handle around with me. I said well it gets me out of the house.

JohnTheRevelator · 30/06/2025 18:47

Scorchio84 · 27/06/2025 20:17

Two goldfish are in a tank
one says to the other
"how do you drive this thing?"

Love this! 😂

IKnowASecret · 30/06/2025 18:49

BakedBeansforabrain · 27/06/2025 20:04

I was incensed this morning

when i saw two men urinating next to my Vauxhall Corsa

until they explained they were from wee by any car

My favourite is a visual joke. you say "What's this?" and do a mime as if you're spinning a hula hoop around your waist. The answer is Mr Whippy doing a poo.

JohnTheRevelator · 30/06/2025 18:50

BettyCrockerClinic · 29/06/2025 20:57

A woman calls her boyfriend from work. She says, “Can you do me a favour? My aunties are coming to visit, but I’ve got to work late. Can you collect them from the station?”

He says, “Sure - but how will I recognise them?”
She says, “Well, I feel a bit embarrassed saying this, but they’ve all got really huge boobs. So look out for three old women with huge boobs. Their names are Joan, Bessie and Fanny.”

So the boyfriend drives to the station. He looks around for the three old women with big boobs, but no sign. Then he spots two old women with big boobs and wonders if maybe one hasn’t come. He walks over and says, “Excuse me, are you Sarah’s aunts? I’ve come to pick you up.”

One old woman says, “That’s right love. I’m Joan, and this is our Bessie. Our other sister can’t come until tomorrow now.”

So they walk to the car, and Joan asks “How did you know it was us?” The boyfriend is a bit embarrassed, but tells them he was told to look for three old women with big boobs. Bessie laughs and says “That’s nothing - wait until tomorrow when you see the size of our Fanny’s!”

This made me 😂😂😂

IKnowASecret · 30/06/2025 18:53

ohh another! What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? The bad marksman shoots but can't hit... and the owl... well you can finish it off yourself!

PomegranateVase · 30/06/2025 19:37

Have you ever had a parrot on your left shoulder?
Have you ever had a parrot on your right shoulder.
Stick your tongue out. I bet you’ve had a ‘cockatoo’ on that!

Openmouthinsertfood · 30/06/2025 19:38

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only cling film for underpants. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

SchnizelVonKrumm · 30/06/2025 20:20

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Sidge · 30/06/2025 20:21

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He managed to work it out with a pencil.

monkeybag123 · 30/06/2025 20:27

I've enjoyed the jokes but find that now I'm scrolling through the other threads , I just think they are the beginning of jokes , do you see what I mean aibu ?????

JohnTheRevelator · 30/06/2025 20:52

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 27/06/2025 23:52

A Geordie is a guest at a garden party at Buckingham Palace, and Camilla brings around a big silver platter of delicate comestibles.
She approaches him with a smile and says "I wonder if you might like a cucumber sandwich... or a meringue?"
He replies "Howay! Ye're not wrang, pet - I'd love a cucumber sandwich!"

Donald Trump, the Dalai Lama and a boy scout who won an amazing once-in-a-lifetime competition are travelling high in the sky in a very small plane, along with the pilot.
The pilot runs through from the cockpit in a massive panic and screams "The engines have failed! I'm so sorry, but I've just discovered that we only have three parachutes. It's my duty to get back safely, to report the fault in detail, to prevent this from happening again." He grabs one of the parachutes and jumps out.
Donald Trump shouts "I am the leader of the free world! I'm the greatest and the smartest person who ever lived, so I MUST survive!" He grabs the second bundle and jumps out.
The Dalai Lama turns to the boy scout and says "I am a very old man, my lad, and I do not fear death. You take the final parachute and have a good long, happy life."
The boy scout looks down and says "Hey, thank you; but there are two parachutes left, so we can both survive - Trump took my rucksack!"

Sorry,I don't get the cucumber sandwich one!

JohnTheRevelator · 30/06/2025 20:53

Sidge · 30/06/2025 20:21

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He managed to work it out with a pencil.

That's disgusting. But so funny. 😂😂😂

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/06/2025 21:14

JohnTheRevelator · 30/06/2025 20:52

Sorry,I don't get the cucumber sandwich one!

"I wonder if you would like a cucumber sandwich OR A MERINGUE?"

'Or a meringue' sounds quite like 'or am I wrong?' in a Geordie accent!

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 30/06/2025 21:14

JohnTheRevelator · 30/06/2025 20:52

Sorry,I don't get the cucumber sandwich one!

“Or a meringue?” sounds like “or am I wrong?” with a Geordie accent.

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/06/2025 21:28

A man applies for a job at the safari park and he is quite surprised to discover that their only zebra recently died, with a long delay for them getting another one, so his job is actually to dress up in a zebra costume to fool the visitors.

He thinks it's very weird, but the work is easy, so he's quite content to just put on the suit, strut around his little area all day, and then put his own clothes back on and go home just after closing time.

He does this for a few weeks, until one day, he sees a lion in the far distance and, to his absolute terror, the lion starts running at top speed towards him. Frozen and sweating with fear, the lion is about to pounce at him. He starts to scream loudly, "HELP! HELP! SAVE ME! I'm not an animal - I'm a man dressed as a zebra!!"

The lion bounds right up next to him - his head next to the 'zebra's' head - and, just as the man steels himself and prepares for his inevitable gruesome death, the lion whispers loudly "Oi, shut it, will you - do you want us both to be out of a job in this current economic climate?!"

OrsolaRosso · 30/06/2025 21:38

BakedBeansforabrain · 27/06/2025 19:53

Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped," he said, breathlessly.

"No way," said Superman. "I can't go near the crypt tonight

A bit late to this thread, but I don't get this one?

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/06/2025 21:39

Kryptonite ‘Crypt tonight’.

OrsolaRosso · 30/06/2025 21:40

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/06/2025 21:39

Kryptonite ‘Crypt tonight’.

Of course, it's obvious now 😅

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/06/2025 21:45

Sidge · 30/06/2025 20:21

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He managed to work it out with a pencil.

Also... did you hear about the constipated Chancellor?

She couldn't budget!

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/06/2025 22:08

A vicious dog, salivating and with fangs bared, bites through its lead and gets loose in a Liverpool park. To everybody's horror, it starts running menacingly right at a little old lady, its intent abundantly clear.

At the very last moment, a young man comes sprinting over from nowhere and manages to boot the bloodthirsty dog across the grass and away from the woman, saving her life.

A reporter from the local paper happens to be walking nearby and he hears the commotion and rushes over to congratulate the man and grab the scoop, his notebook out ready.

"Wow!" he says, "I've got the headline now: 'Heroic LFC fan saves senior citizen's life in attack by frenzied dangerous dog!'"

The man says "Thanks, but I'm not actually a Liverpool fan".

"No problem at all, then," says the journo, "the headline will be 'Pensioner rescued from certain death by amazingly brave Everton fan in killer beast onslaught!'"

The man says "It's very kind of you, but I actually support Manchester United."

The presses roll overnight and the local paper is published, with its front-page scoop proudly displayed in huge letters: 'Evil heartless Manc bastard brutally murders much-loved family pet'.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/07/2025 23:12

How does an illustrator cure constipation?

Works it out with a pencil.

simsbustinoutmimi · 01/07/2025 23:15

Did anyone who’s looking for Jay Slater try shouting “autoglass repair?” If he’s in the vicinity, he should shout back “autoglass replace”

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/07/2025 23:20

Okay. Try that again. Bloody stupid predictive text!!

How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

Works it out with a pencil.