Favourite stupid joke

[BarilynBordeaux]

Times are hard so I wanted to start a thread of dumb jokes that crack you up.

my favourite:

Thinking about getting a glass urn when I die…Remains to be seen.

What cheese is always made backwards?
Edam!

How do they make cheese in Wales?
Very Caerphilly!

Why was #6 sad?

because 7 8 9. (7 ate 9)

Why don’t Witches wear underwear?

So they have a better grip on the broomstick 😂🙈

Told to me by a 15yr boy, (babysitting 30years ago) because he didn’t think he should telll it to his parents 😂

Well I think it's fanny...

“Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
”Really? What do you take for that?”
”Snuff!”

Two eggs are in a frying pan. One says, “It’s a bit hot in here, isn’t it?”
The second one screams, “Arrggghh - a talking egg!!”

A man walks into a pub and asks the barmaid for a double entendre. So she gives him one.

A blonde is walking along a riverbank. She walks straight past a bridge without noticing it. Then she spots another blonde on the opposite bank.
”Yoohoo!”, shouts Blonde 1. “How do I get to the other side?”
Blonde 2 looks at her in disgust. “You stupid bimbo”, she says scornfully. “You ARE on the other side!”

Whats brown and Sticky ... A stick !

What green and smells of pork?
Kermit the frog's finger

Why did thr banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling very well.

What did the cheese saw when he looked in the mirror?
Halloumi..

How did the cheese cross the road?
Caerphilly

My Spanish colleague has a 4yo son who still can’t say please. That’s poor for four isn’t it?

What breed of dog does a magician like? A labracadabrador.

What do you call a filing cabinet full of Mancunians? Sorted.

A Yorkshire man took his cat to the vet's. The vet asked 'is it a tom?'. The Yorkshire man replied 'nay, I brought it with me.'

I try not to tell dad jokes. But when I do, he thinks they're really funny.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

Yanto and Dai are at the Swansea Air Show and decide to take a flight around the bay.
As they both got into the small aircraft the pilot said to them “I’m going to do a few manoeuvres on this flight and if you can stay silent throughout you won’t have to pay anything at all.”
Yanto and Dai both agreed and boarded the plane.
The pilot took off and immediately started to put the plane through its paces.
He ducked and he dived, He swooped and he looped and did all manner of other things on the short trip and then came into land.
He turned to the boys and said “well that was amazing. You didn’t utter a sound. Nobody else has ever managed to be completely silent through the whole experience but tell me, did you at any point want to scream or shout?”
“Yes” Dai said.
“When Yanto fell out!”

A woman is sitting on a park bench one morning, reading her book, when she notices two council workers heading for the corner, both carrying spades.

One of the workers takes a while digging a good deep hole, then the other one immediately fills it all in again. They walk along the perimeter of the park, doing the same thing multiple times.

The woman sits there open-mouthed, watching them do this. After three hours, she can no longer contain her surprise, so she goes over to them and asks what on earth they're doing.

One of them replies, "We're just doing our jobs, madam. Thankfully, we're both fit and well; but unfortunately, Ted, who plants the trees, is off sick all this week."

What’s yellow and smells of bananas?

Monkey sick.

Why have elephants got big ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom

Man comes home from work, slams door, storms into kitchen. Eyes wife narrowly and says: "I just heard our milkman has shagged every woman in our street - apart from one." Wife: "That'll be the stuck-up cow at No. 11"

My mother gave me a hard time for saying I could build a car from fusilli.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

🤣

A man takes his dog to the vets as he thinks it’s not well. The vet checks the dog over and says it’s fine.

The man asks for a second opinion so a cat comes in and looks over the dog and agrees with the vet. The man asks for a third opinion. A Labrador dog comes in and waves his paws over the dog and agrees nothing wrong.

The man finally accepts there is nothing wrong, the vet says that will be £200. £200! Says the man there’s nothing wrong! Yes but with the cat scan and lab report…

Why is poo pointed?
So your bum doesn't close with a bang!

Only people of a certain age will understand this one:

Q: Why have elephants got big ears?

A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

What's green and not very heavy?

Light green!

(Such a versatile joke, insert colour of choice) 😂

I just bought a pen that writes underwater.

It also writes other words.