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Favourite stupid joke

229 replies

BarilynBordeaux · 27/06/2025 18:40

Times are hard so I wanted to start a thread of dumb jokes that crack you up.

my favourite:

Thinking about getting a glass urn when I die…Remains to be seen.

OP posts:
DinoLil · 29/06/2025 16:46

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

‘Nope’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.

To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

daisychain01 · 29/06/2025 17:00

We need the bloody 😂emoticon, for @DinoLil .

Woman goes to the doctor

Doctor I've got a raspberry growing out of my head!

Doctor: I can give you some cream for that.

Doctor, it really hurts me when I bend my elbow.

Doctor: Well don't do it then.

SwankyPants · 29/06/2025 17:04

What fruit loves a slide?

A kiweeeeeeeee!

KermitTheToad · 29/06/2025 18:06

I always keep an empty bottle of milk in the fridge........incase anyone wants black coffee.

Did you hear about the bottle of beer that went to a party? It got drunk!

Patient-Doctor doctor I've got a terrible headache.
Doctor- Go stick your head out of my office window, and poke your tongue out.
Patient- Will that help my headache?
Doctor- No, but I hate the neighbours!

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 29/06/2025 18:15

Did you hear about the man who had five penises?

His pants fitted him like a glove :)

Yourinmyspot · 29/06/2025 18:46

NegroniMacaroni · 29/06/2025 10:08

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.

This is my new favourite joke 😂

Yourinmyspot · 29/06/2025 18:47

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To show he’d got guts.

OriginalUsername2 · 29/06/2025 19:08

Two vomits were walking down the street.

One of the vomits suddenly became very emotional, fell to his knees and started crying.

The other vomit noticed and asked, "What's wrong?!”

The crying vomit replied, "Sorry, it’s just that I was brought up on this corner."

scalt · 29/06/2025 19:17

A bit of a niche one, but it always raises a laugh on the netball court.

Which is the messier sport, netball or basketball?
Basketball, because the players dribble, and netball players wear bibs, just in case.

BettyCrockerClinic · 29/06/2025 20:57

A woman calls her boyfriend from work. She says, “Can you do me a favour? My aunties are coming to visit, but I’ve got to work late. Can you collect them from the station?”

He says, “Sure - but how will I recognise them?”
She says, “Well, I feel a bit embarrassed saying this, but they’ve all got really huge boobs. So look out for three old women with huge boobs. Their names are Joan, Bessie and Fanny.”

So the boyfriend drives to the station. He looks around for the three old women with big boobs, but no sign. Then he spots two old women with big boobs and wonders if maybe one hasn’t come. He walks over and says, “Excuse me, are you Sarah’s aunts? I’ve come to pick you up.”

One old woman says, “That’s right love. I’m Joan, and this is our Bessie. Our other sister can’t come until tomorrow now.”

So they walk to the car, and Joan asks “How did you know it was us?” The boyfriend is a bit embarrassed, but tells them he was told to look for three old women with big boobs. Bessie laughs and says “That’s nothing - wait until tomorrow when you see the size of our Fanny’s!”

SparklingMetre · 29/06/2025 21:18

My hen likes to count her eggs….

….she’s a mathema-chicken

VeganStar · 30/06/2025 02:07

BettyCrockerClinic · 29/06/2025 20:57

A woman calls her boyfriend from work. She says, “Can you do me a favour? My aunties are coming to visit, but I’ve got to work late. Can you collect them from the station?”

He says, “Sure - but how will I recognise them?”
She says, “Well, I feel a bit embarrassed saying this, but they’ve all got really huge boobs. So look out for three old women with huge boobs. Their names are Joan, Bessie and Fanny.”

So the boyfriend drives to the station. He looks around for the three old women with big boobs, but no sign. Then he spots two old women with big boobs and wonders if maybe one hasn’t come. He walks over and says, “Excuse me, are you Sarah’s aunts? I’ve come to pick you up.”

One old woman says, “That’s right love. I’m Joan, and this is our Bessie. Our other sister can’t come until tomorrow now.”

So they walk to the car, and Joan asks “How did you know it was us?” The boyfriend is a bit embarrassed, but tells them he was told to look for three old women with big boobs. Bessie laughs and says “That’s nothing - wait until tomorrow when you see the size of our Fanny’s!”

🤣🤣🤣

VeganStar · 30/06/2025 02:10

Some of these are hilarious 🤣
Bring back the laughing emoji
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

MsNevermore · 30/06/2025 02:26

My DH throws his favourite one out every single time we have anything planned that happens to be at 2:30 🫠🫠😂😂

”ooooo shit I can’t…..I have a dentist appointment. Toof-hurty!”

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

BarilynBordeaux · 30/06/2025 09:23

Why did the pirate go to the opera?

He loved the high Cs.

OP posts:
Sgtmajormummy · 30/06/2025 10:06

^ I thought that was going to be:
”To listen to the AHAAAR ias”!

BarilynBordeaux · 30/06/2025 10:26

Sgtmajormummy · 30/06/2025 10:06

^ I thought that was going to be:
”To listen to the AHAAAR ias”!

love that punchline too!

OP posts:
IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/06/2025 11:56

How would a pirate describe Kim Kardashian?

Avast behind!!!

SarfLondonLad · 30/06/2025 12:10

I was mugged by 6 dwarfs on the way home last night.
Not Happy.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 30/06/2025 12:18

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 28/06/2025 22:26

Why does the King never ever wave with this hand?
<waves left hand>
Because it's my hand.

What's the difference between a footspa and a useless drummer?
A footspa really bucks up your feet.

Politicians are like nappies - they should both be changed regularly... for the exact same reason.

We've thought long and hard about it, and we've both decided that we definitely don't want children.
We're really not looking forward to having to tell them...

I remember the days when you could go into a shop with £5 and leave with three large chickens, a dozen fillet steaks, six bottles of champagne, a huge luxury chocolate gateau and still have money left in your purse.
Of course, you can't do that now... there are cameras everywhere.

😆The children one made me LOL!!!!

VeganStar · 30/06/2025 13:31

Q. What can go up a pipe down but can’t go down a pipe up?
A. An umbrella 😝

VeganStar · 30/06/2025 13:33

Q. What do you call a nun on a bicycle?

A. A cyclist. 🤣

VeganStar · 30/06/2025 13:34

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 30/06/2025 12:18

😆The children one made me LOL!!!!

🤣

VeganStar · 30/06/2025 13:36

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/06/2025 11:56

How would a pirate describe Kim Kardashian?

Avast behind!!!

🤣🤣🤣😝

brightsmile · 30/06/2025 13:37

What does Darth Vader always order from his favourite French Bakery?
PAIN,PAIN, PAIN,TARTE TATIN, TARTE TATIN!