Favourite stupid joke

[BarilynBordeaux]

Times are hard so I wanted to start a thread of dumb jokes that crack you up.

my favourite:

Thinking about getting a glass urn when I die…Remains to be seen.

Why does the King never ever wave with this hand?
<waves left hand>
Because it's my hand.

What's the difference between a footspa and a useless drummer?
A footspa really bucks up your feet.

Politicians are like nappies - they should both be changed regularly... for the exact same reason.

We've thought long and hard about it, and we've both decided that we definitely don't want children.
We're really not looking forward to having to tell them...

I remember the days when you could go into a shop with £5 and leave with three large chickens, a dozen fillet steaks, six bottles of champagne, a huge luxury chocolate gateau and still have money left in your purse.
Of course, you can't do that now... there are cameras everywhere.

How do you get a million pikachu's on a bus?

Pokemon

Why are bum cracks vertical and not horizontal?
So that you don't make this noise when you slide down banisters.
<rub your finger up and down fast over your lips>

My DH asked me how he could lose weight and get into shape, so I said "Don't eat anything fatty".
"Ah, you mean give up things like bacon, butter and chocolate?" he said.
I replied, "No. Don't eat anything, Fatty!"

It's my DW's big milestone birthday soon and she's clearly been hinting by leaving jewellery catalogues all around the house.
I just know that she is going to love the magazine rack that I've bought for her!

Why does Edward Woodward like the letter D so much …?

because without it he’d be E-Waa Woo-Waa

Why did the Mexican guy push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

My DH told me that he was leaving me - for 14 good reasons, he said; not to mention my obsession with Wimbledon.
I said "That's 15, love!"

What does an octogenarian pirate say to everybody he meets?
"Aaaaarrrrr, matey!"

A drunk tramp somehow finds his way into the HQ of Vogue magazine and makes it to the lift, where he is fascinated to keep constantly riding up and down 100 floors with .
Three beautiful models get in at the top floor, on their way out after their big cover shoot has finished, and look at him with disgust; but they try to ignore him and the pungent fug and talk amongst themselves.
One of the models gets some perfume from her bag and sprays it liberally. She says "Obsession, by Givenchy - £500 for 50ml".
The second one responds by reaching into her bag and she too sprays from her bottle, saying "Passionate Fire, by Prada - £1,000 for 25ml".
Not to be outdone, the third woman grabs her own bottle and sprays it all around until it's empty, saying "Eternal Romance, by McQueen - £2,500 for just 5ml".
The lift descends another five floors, before the tramp lifts the leg of his trousers high and forcefully ejects the longest, nastiest, most disgusting fart ever.
The models are coughing and spluttering, eyes stinging and desperately willing themselves not to retch. It seems like forever for the lift to eventually get to the bottom, at which point the door opens. The tramp is standing closest to the exit and he makes a dash for it, shouting behind him "Brussels Sprouts, by Tesco - 79p a pound!"

Late one evening, two Irish men knocked on the door of a Convent.

The Mother Superior opened the door and Paddy tipped his hat and said “Pardon our intrusion Mother Superior, is there a Nun at the convent who is about two and a half foot tall?" The Mother Superior replied that no, there wasn't.

"Do you know of any other Convents, Mother Superior, where there is a Nun who is only two and a half feet tall?” Paddy asked. Again, she answered no.

"In the whole of Ireland, Mother Superior," Paddy continued, "do you suppose there is a nun who is two and a half foot tall?" Mother Superior said that no, she had never heard of one.

Having gotten this last answer, Paddy bowed graciously and thanked the helpful Mother Superior. He took his friend Mick by the arm and led him away.

As the two walked off, Mother Superior heard Paddy say, "I tell you, Mick, you've been fucking a penguin."
😬

I've read this several times but just can't get it ... can someone explain please?

We buy any car.

It still doesn’t make any sense, sorry.

It’s the advert for a firm that buys any car whatever the state of it.
The jingle is” We Buy any Car.”
hence the punchline to the joke,wee by any car. Maybe you haven’t seen the advert. If not, that’s why you don’t get it.

Not quite a cheese joke:
Why do French people never have two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is “un oeuf”. (enough)

And one made up by 6yo DS:
What do you call a dinosaur with wheels?
A tyre-on-a saurus Rex!

Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?
because the parrots eat em all (paracetamol)

That’s worrying.

Why did the sausage roll?
Because it saw the apple turn over

Why do elephants have Big Ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

..................

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

.............

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is very heavy, the other's a little lighter.

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.

From Hot Fuzz.

Local electrical entrepreneur described as the “fridge magnate”.

Gets me every time. I am quite juvenile 😁

Some crackers on here!

Two guys sitting outside a pub when a truck full of turf drives by.

One bloke says to the other, "That's what I'm gonna to do if I ever win the lottery".

His mate says, "What?"

He says, "I'm going to send my lawn away to be mowed".

The young nun was told by the mother superior to paint the new room, but warned not to get any paint on her clothes, so she decided to strip off to keep them clean.

A while later there was a knock on the door, and she called out to ask who it was. The answer came back, "It's the blind man", so she decided it was safe enough to open the door without getting dressed.

When she did, he said "Great body sister! Now, where do you want these blinds?"

What has four legs and can fly?
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Two birds!

Man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm. Barman asks what he can get for him & the man replies “ A pint for me & one for the road” 🤣🤣

My absolute favourite is an Irish joke but not sure it’s pc to tell them anymore.