Favourite stupid joke

[BarilynBordeaux]

Times are hard so I wanted to start a thread of dumb jokes that crack you up.

my favourite:

Thinking about getting a glass urn when I die…Remains to be seen.

DH loved this kind of silly joke.
Someone broke into the police station and stole the toilets... the cops have nothing to go on ...

The Irish (apologies for racism) are planning a manned mission to the sun (apologies for sexism). They're going to go at night so they don't get burned ...

Did you hear about the guy who invented the USB plug? When he died they tried to put his coffin in the grave but they had to take it out and turn it over and then put it in. (as a computer guy, this one really got DH. now that he's sadly died, each time I do this with USB cables, I think of him)

Why did the elephant paint his toenails yellow? So he could hide upside down in a bowl of custard. (This was DH's all time favourite)

Why were the elephants able to go swimming? They were the only ones with trunks.

A person at a job interview is asked to describe him/her self in 3 words. S/he replies, 'Lazy.'

Horse walks into a bar...
...barman asks, "Why the long face?"

What's the different between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's a kangaroo, the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift

@tarheelbaby "Apologies for racism"?! Wtf? Apologising doesn't make racist jokes ok!

Agreed. At least I know that's an offensive set up and tried to acknowledge that. For me, the funny part of the joke is going to the sun at night to avoid sunburn.

I can think of plenty of nationalities/groups I could substitute. All of those would be offensive to someone. Please adjust the set up to your taste and to amuse your listeners.

Jokes don't make sexism ok either or animalism but sadly, many jokes, by definition have a butt.

Not everyone finds every joke funny.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Tell you later.

i went to the zoo, but it only had one dog.
it was a shit tzu.

What did 0 say to 8?

nice belt!

Farting in a lift.
It's wrong on so many levels.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night.

The manager said, “Do you mind waiting for a bit?”

I said, “No, not at all”.

He said, “Good, take these drinks to table 9 for me".

Before the invention of crowbars crows mostly drank at home.

What did the llama say when it was time to leave to zoo?

Alpaca my bags.

Janet Street Porter goes into a bar and asks the barman "Can I get a large aperitif?"

The barman says, "Well I doubt it"

What did the man say when he had a steering wheel shoved down his Y-fronts?

Stop it! You're driving me nuts!

Horse walks into a bar with a set of jump leads.
Barman says, I don't mind the long face but don't go starting anything.

Elephant jokes are the best.

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if it was small, white and round it would be an aspirin.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
To hide upside down in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Tarzan picking cherries.

What's grey, with four legs and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.

A dog limps into a saloon. “Ah’m lookin’ for the man who shot ma paw”

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick!!

Mick and Paddy, both looking for work, see a notice saying "Tree fellers wanted."
"Would you look at that, tree fellers," Paddy said to Mick. "What a pity there's only two of us."

My dad who's Irish told me this joke and finds it funny, I also love blonde jokes.

What’s big and white and can’t climb trees?

A fridge.

I had a dream that I ate a giant marshmallow.

I woke up and my pillow was gone.

Knock knock
whose there
eggbert
eggbert who
egg but no bacon in my sandwich please!

Don’t get it?

What did one wall say to another wall?
I’ll meet you in the corner

Why is six afraid of seven?
7 8 9