Best friend who ghosted me 5 years ago just got in touch….

[SeeItSayItShutIt]

And I’m not sure how to feel (have name changed)

5 years ago, my best friend for decades, just stopped returning my calls. I posted about it on here under another name because it was so out of character that at first I thought he might have died or been in hospital unconscious! We were the type of friends who spoke every week and had done for probably 25/30 years (we are in our 50s, met at university).

People were split between not constantly reaching out and reaching out - I gave it one more go after a few weeks and he picked up the phone, heard my voice and hung up. I assumed it was something I had done (though I genuinely couldn’t figure it out) and that was that.

Im not going to lie, it has been painful missing him. I’m not on social media but we are both on LinkedIn and connected. He posts every few months. I had got over it now but always wondered what went on.

He reached out today to apologise and wants to meet. I can tell that he’s lost his job and I suspect he’s in a difficult place. The cynic in me says he’s only reaching out now because he needs something.

WWYD in my shoes. My heart wants to run towards him and welcome him back. My head says don’t you’ll get hurt again.

I’d email him first, ask him to explain his behaviour and what he is expecting from meeting you. If he’s got a good story and genuinely wants to re-start your friendship, fine. If he’s lost his job and looking to renew old contacts to help find a new one he’ll dump you again as soon as you’ve been useful.

Although you say there was nothing sexual between you, could it be possible he did have feelings for you that were more than friendship? What were both of your personal circumstances at the time you last heard from him?

I was ghosted/just dropped by an old university friend after quite an unusual last meeting. It is hurtful when you have no idea why and can only second guess what might have happened.

I wouldn't meet but I would say I was open to receiving an email or letter if they wished to explain or apologise.
You can then write back and close it on a better note.
It would be foolish to imagine any reason that could not have been explained sooner than 5 years! He hasn't missed you enough in the past 5 years to reach out.
I agree with others that he wants something.

I had a similar situation a few years ago. It turned out my friend had been dealing with cancer, and had shut out many people as a coping mechanism.

In the end, we didn't end up rekindling our friendship. For me, the friendship hadn't ended due to illness. There was a one-sided dynamic where I felt like an unpaid counsellor. I was invisible when she was doing well in life, but the first person she phoned when she needed a shoulder to cry on.

@SeeItSayItShutIt Sorry OP, but I absolutely wouldn't meet him. He's not going to tell you the real reason for ghosting you. He'll want to appease you and will sugar-coat any semblance of the truth because he needs you now. I know you've already agreed to meet him, but I would have simply replied "I'm so sorry things are difficult for you at the moment and I sincerely hope they improve soon. Take care." No more contact than that.

I was in these shoes (kind of)....a shorter friendship, then she just ghosted me. I grieved for our friendship for a year and just as I'd only just moved on with my life, she got back in touch. I met her the next day, she explained about her mental health issues and how she pushes people away. I told her I would have been there to support her. We hugged it out. Went home.

Next day, she texts me to lay blame on me, saying it was equally my fault. I was thinking WTAF?

Anyway, I tread carefully, as I'd missed our friendship and overlooked that text message and tried to salvage our friendship. Less than a year, she confronted me one day about me having to cancel a meet up (I had a medical emergency), she didn't even ask how I was, but seemed to think it was just an excuse. It really wasn't. She just shouted at me that I should have been honest about not wanting to be friends (I did!), anyway, 4 hours later, I suffered another medical emergency and got blue lighted to hospital for emergency surgery.

She never knew, never heard from her again.

Her loss, I was a bloody good friend.

OP - good luck with the meeting, I hope you at least get some understanding and closure as to why you were ghosted. Your friendship may never be the same again, so keep your guard up, and don't go loaning him money or any nonsense like that. I didn't regret going to meet up with my (ex) friend, I just wish it had been left there after hearing her out.

Not a chance would I give him another opportunity to hurt me ,if I was in your shoes.
He will get what he wants from you ,then dump your friendship again.
You would be mad to put yourself through that again

I'd meet him. Because I think you deserve an explanation from him as to why he behaved the way he did. After that, I'd walk away. Like Pp above, he wouldn't get a second chance to hurt me. Plus, your friendship will probably never be the same as it was before.

I would meet him if only for closure for yourself. I would be curious to know what happened and to explain the situation wasn't acceptable.
Definitely keep him at arms length and be prepared to walk away.

I hope you reminded her of this? did you ever recover the friendship?

I would ask why he ghosted me for 5 years, because I would need to know, but I would absolutely not be meeting up and giving them my time after being treated that way.

I would decline. Couldn’t do it myself.

And it has happened to me. I loved her like a sister. No matter what she could say to me now it won’t change what she did.

Definite no from me. Ghosting a friend like that is awful and now he wants to be friends again because he wants to use you for support, not a chance.

I would meet him purely out of intrigue. you don’t have anything to lose just make sure you don’t get taken advantage of

To ghost someone is mean and cowardly, it doesn’t end a relationship on a decent footing - that’s not a character to be trusted with a friendship

I’d go because ‘sleeping dogs’ aren’t lying anymore (or at least they wouldn’t be in my head if I was you). I’d want to know what happened.

Agree with this.

If the relationship had just drifted and he'd been a bit flaky it would be one thing but to actually put the phone down when you called is appalling behaviour for which there's no justification.

I would respond to say you can't move beyond his behaviour, you've moved on and wish him the best but you're not going to meet or be friends again. If by some fluke there was some genuine emergency in his life (he was in a psychiatric hospital or abducted or whatever) he can tell you in response but I'd put money on this not being the case. As others have said it seems highly likely there's an ulterior motive.

This allows you to "have your say" but without becoming enmeshed again.

This. After being ghosted myself then meeting up. You know that you can never trust him again right? I didn't get my answer as to why but it confirmed to me my feelings had irreparably changed. I watched what I said and held myself back like on a first date. Everything I held dear about our special bond was dead knowing how fast she could drop me if the wind changed.

Like your suspicions her luck had changed for the worse too.

I’d accept the apology and wish him the best, and that would be it.

If there was no hint of an acknowledgement or apology in his message about WHY he went awol then that speaks volumes. Did you not say anything along the lines of “where have you been for five years”?! That would have been my initial response.

Yes I think this is sensible.

It would be a no from me. I have this imaginary scenario in my mind with my ‘best friend’ of 11 years dropped me and cut me out completely. She told me something drunk that she regretted, I would have happily pretended it was never said. But she took the ghosting option which was awful for me and my kids who considered her to be like family.
If she ever contacts me, I’ll ignore for a day or two to calm down and respond politely but with no intention of meeting up.

Don’t go, because he wants to use you. If you go and learn this the hard way, you’ll be angry with yourself for being such a fool. If you are generally a softie, don’t be one now. This is not the time. Do not wobble.

I think I do need to know

This would be me as well @SeeItSayItShutIt
Hope the coffee goes well and you get the closure you need.

Don't forget, you owe him NOTHING at this point now, so if you don't like what youre hearing, walk away at any point.
Please do update us 🙏

I got ghosted in my early 20s by a male friend I’d had since age 11. Heard on the grapevine he was in a relationship and she was a bit ‘intense’. 5 years later he called me out of the blue, they had split up and it all came out that she had been incredibly controlling and (eventually) violent. She had cut him off from all his friends, then his sibling, then his parents, even got him to quit his high paying job and work minimum wage hospitality with her.
I can see you’ve agreed to meet up, go in with an open mind, a closed wallet and a protected heart. Good luck!

I would go. You might get answers but definitely keep at arms length.