Best friend who ghosted me 5 years ago just got in touch….

[SeeItSayItShutIt]

And I’m not sure how to feel (have name changed)

5 years ago, my best friend for decades, just stopped returning my calls. I posted about it on here under another name because it was so out of character that at first I thought he might have died or been in hospital unconscious! We were the type of friends who spoke every week and had done for probably 25/30 years (we are in our 50s, met at university).

People were split between not constantly reaching out and reaching out - I gave it one more go after a few weeks and he picked up the phone, heard my voice and hung up. I assumed it was something I had done (though I genuinely couldn’t figure it out) and that was that.

Im not going to lie, it has been painful missing him. I’m not on social media but we are both on LinkedIn and connected. He posts every few months. I had got over it now but always wondered what went on.

He reached out today to apologise and wants to meet. I can tell that he’s lost his job and I suspect he’s in a difficult place. The cynic in me says he’s only reaching out now because he needs something.

WWYD in my shoes. My heart wants to run towards him and welcome him back. My head says don’t you’ll get hurt again.

I wouldn’t meet because I think that will be difficult and painful, he will lay it on thick and you’ll likely make an emotional decision to let him back.
However, I’d hear him out by telephone. Do it in your terms if you’re going to. I think face to face will make it harder to resist. I’d want an explanation but I doubt there’s one that will be satisfactory because how he treated you was appalling.
I think it is extremely likely he wants something - either help with job search, money, emotional support, etc.

Actually I agree with @commonsense61 - let him put it in a message so you don’t have to endure the wheedling.

I wouldn’t bother op

I’d go, the first question would be why, depending on the response, I may leave after that.

Absolutely agree with the posters who suggest asking him why he ghosted you. And explain how devastating that was. I'd then make a decision based on that responce.

Good luck

No, he just wants to make use of you. If he'd been going through a bad time he could have contacted you much earlier.

Just know that even if you do meet up, your friendship will never be the same again. Every time he goes quiet in future you will wonder if you're being ghosted for years all over again.

I would meet up just to hear what he has to say, but harden your heart against pleas about 'the past' and 'what you mean to each other' because he didn't think of any of that when he ghosted you. But I'd want to know the backstory - it could have been something like a psychotic break or a partner with incredible jealousy preventing him from being in touch and I'd like to hear that from him in person.

But even if the reason for the ghosting was explicable and even forgivable - it will never be the same.

You could ask why they want to meet….🤷🏼‍♀️
There’s no right answer here though. If you feel well and truly over it then let sleeping dogs lie. However, if you feel level headed and it won’t mess with your head - perhaps meet and see what they have to say. If they’re clearly just after something from you, then that’ll let you know once and for all exactly where you stand and what they mean to you.
Even if you do reconnect. It doesn’t mean you have to be at their beck and call. Only do things in your terms.

Go. Hear him out. Then make your decision.

He doesn’t have form at all for being a user (never asked for anything, never leant money etc). I suspect the chips are down now and people he’s met when he was doing well have disappeared. That’s my suspicion. I’m one of those stable people who doesn’t have chaos in her life and doesn’t tolerate it in others. He’s someone who is drawn to/attracts it (but that was never an issue in our friendship because I was never part of that). We always had a very face to face friendship (used to meet up super regularly) but my deep down spidey senses were that when he was doing well (which he was 5 years ago) like suddenly extremely well that I was no longer needed.
Boring predictable me wasn’t needed when super exciting life appeared.

I may well be wrong though! I think I do need to know so I will respond and ask for a call and see what happens.

OP, don't touch this with a 25 foot pole with a johnny on the end.

He has got in touch BECAUSE he's in a bad place. You sound nice so he is confident you will 'have him back' and help him out when he didn't give a fragment of the tiniest care about you back then even though he must have known his actions would have cut like a knife.

Head up, chest out, delete and block. You need to be absolutely bloody furious and nothing good will come if you go listen to him. He will spin it to make himself look minimally responsible for his behaviour. See him for the snake that he is.

People are v quick to be overly judgemental on things like this. I agree with you. OP is an adult and if the apology/reason isn’t acceptable, she does not need to proceed with the friendship. However, given how much it has meant to her previously, it does make sense just to hear him out.

I don’t see why you can’t meet for coffee. Either you get on great and you are glad you met up, or you don’t, and you are out a couple of hours and the cost of a hot drink (and a cake…always get the cake)

seems a no brainer

That might explain reducing contact or being less available but to ghost after 25/30 years of close friendship because he was doing well .. unless the whole thing was a lie it doesn’t ring true. I’d meet purely because curiosity would get the better of me and I’d need to know. I’d proceed with caution though

Was there ever anything more than friendship between you two @SeeItSayItShutIt?

Thanks, yes that’s a good point @workshy46 . Maybe that’s a version I created to deal with it and isn’t true at all!

I have written back to him and we’re meeting for coffee next week. I will be on my guard as you all suggest!

I’d go and see if there was an explanation. One of my relatives was ghosted by a very close/best friend who reappeared 3 years later. The best friend had become a drug addict and their life spiralled out of control. She cut everyone out of her life and only came back once she got into rehab.

I think something like that is a solid explanation. Not an excuse but it helps to understand why.

No, never anything sexual @DwarfBeans. We are very very different people but have/had just always got on very well.

I really hope next week goes well enough, in whatever way that may be.

Hope it goes well for you. Just be guarded!

I'd go, what do you have to lose?

But I wouldn't be doing any favors at all

I would have asked for an explanation for the rudeness and hurtfulness first, before agreeing to meet him.

Op you originally asked what people would do in your shoes.

Honestly, I wouldn’t meet him.

From what I read he doesn’t respect you.

Whatever happened in his life to ghost you, you were his friend and 5 years is a very long time.

Plus, he hung up the phone on you? Why can’t he now explain himself over the phone?

Why does he want to meet - face to face? Is it because he knows your personality and you will be more forgiving if you actually see him?

In your shoes, I would have this conversation over the phone. After being ghosted for 5 years I personally don’t think you should be so quick to meet up with him.

Unfortunately, the friendship you had will never be the same. Yes I would listen to what he has to say, but no - I wouldn’t meet him, unless he had a very good explanation for his behaviour. That’s just my opinion.

What do you mean when you say about chaos ‘you don’t tolerate it in others’.

might give some insight on why the friendship ended?

I'd meet him to find out the reasons he ghosted, then make a decision ona friendship from there.