Best friend who ghosted me 5 years ago just got in touch….

[SeeItSayItShutIt]

And I’m not sure how to feel (have name changed)

5 years ago, my best friend for decades, just stopped returning my calls. I posted about it on here under another name because it was so out of character that at first I thought he might have died or been in hospital unconscious! We were the type of friends who spoke every week and had done for probably 25/30 years (we are in our 50s, met at university).

People were split between not constantly reaching out and reaching out - I gave it one more go after a few weeks and he picked up the phone, heard my voice and hung up. I assumed it was something I had done (though I genuinely couldn’t figure it out) and that was that.

Im not going to lie, it has been painful missing him. I’m not on social media but we are both on LinkedIn and connected. He posts every few months. I had got over it now but always wondered what went on.

He reached out today to apologise and wants to meet. I can tell that he’s lost his job and I suspect he’s in a difficult place. The cynic in me says he’s only reaching out now because he needs something.

WWYD in my shoes. My heart wants to run towards him and welcome him back. My head says don’t you’ll get hurt again.

I'd have to meet for some sort of explaination and closure - and if that explaination was shit, or sounded like some BS he'd made up to avoid revealing the truth... I would absolutely be prepared to walk away.

have you googled him?

My family had a shock with an absent person. He had actually been convicted of a crime.

This sort of thing is becoming quite common and the people who have posted on here never seem to get an answer so I hope you do and feel able to share!

A uni friend did this to me - ghosted not just me but all our uni group. Reappeared after a few years blaming it on his controlling ex, who was known for being a nightmare - and we accepted that and everything went back to how things were .... until he met someone else and once again disappeared into the ether. Never seen or heard from him since.

I agree with this approach

I had a male friend who ended our friendship by ghosting because his newish girlfriend insisted. The relationship ended a couple of years later, he got back in touch with me a few months after (hesitant and apologetic). We're good friends again, and he's learnt not to date people who bully you into ending friendships.

I wouldn't rekindle if the reason was anything other than a controlling relationship, though.

Best answer 🥇

I would weigh up what was worse. Never knowing or meet up and it go wrong. Of course, it could all end well.

Whaaaaat ?

Could you communicate on your terms @SeeItSayItShutIt . What about responding to him saying that it took a lot to move on from the loss of your friendship which you deeply valued and before you commit to meeting and opening that old wound, it would be helpful for you to better understand why he ended the friendship? Based on his response to that and any reasons he shares, then you can decide if you want to move forward with meeting in person.

I think protecting yourself and having boundaries here are important.

Sorry you went through this.

I'd meet him and hear what he has to say.

You can then take some time to digest whatever he's told you and consider your next steps.

You don't need to offer forgiveness until you're ready, if at all

I'd meet him out of curiosity, and for closure. But I'd be very cool. No effusive greeting, no hug, no real warmth. And the first thing I would say is that I was very hurt by his behaviour, and that I'm not there with a view to re-igniting the friendship. That I just want to know what it was all about.

Go.

He maybe had a complete breakdown before or was told a lie about you. You don't know.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I’d agree to meet him just out of curiosity to see why he acted the way he did. And that would then help me decide whether it was justified. If it was a massive deal/misunderstanding that you were responsible for, then maybe start up the friendship again, but if it was something petty or insignificant, I would just close the door and get on with your life without him in it.

I was a very good friend to my neighbour who moved in during her divorce, only to end up in another worse relationship with the new guy.
After 10 years she ghosted me. Hero to zero in seconds flat!
2 years later she wanted to be pally again and like a fool, when she mulled over "why did we not see each other for so long" .... I laughed hysterically in my head... she lived semi detached from me, we shared bricks for God sake! I told her "we don't have to go there, it's all good, forget it"

Having proved myself to be a careless doormat she did a few more dirty tricks over the next 3 years but the finale was the thing of nightmares.
She always claimed she had an abusive partner. I thought 'he can't be that bad, he so friendly' assuming it was her histrionics, she could be a real bitch.
The final straw was when he decided the time was right to show his sociopathic side in the attempt to take our house.
Id always been the gentle tender soul, he thought i was lamb to slaughter. I believed it too.... but amazingly enough I met my inner Tiger. I decimated that guy and he ran off to France to get out of my way. All plans to take over were dropped and he was gone in a matter of weeks.

You know what they say about the quiet ones! Well, they surprise themselves when they turn nasty. He never knew what hit him.

In reply to your problem
Meet, hear him out, and I mean HEAR HIM. Don't molly coddle, don't forgive the unforgivable, but if you decide to go forward as friends, know that you met the real him. Anything he does from this point forward is fussy footing. If he could hurt you so, he will do it again.
Its just a matter of time till yiu no longer serve a purpose!
All the best.

Yes, go and meet him, but tell him that his ghosting you really hurt and therefore you’d like some sort of explanation.
People can get overwhelmed by life circumstances and poor mental health can make you feel unable to speak to anyone.
If his explanation doesn’t satisfy you or he’s asking for a favour, ghost him back.

I would want to know why he ghosted me before meeting him.

I have a male friend like this too - had an abusive upbringing and l bring calmness and security to his life - but whwn thinfs are going well for him, l might as well not exist.
Proceed with caution op x

It would be a no from me. I'm just the sort of person who doesn't give people a second chance if they have hurt me in any way.

But I would be keen to know why he put the phone down when he heard my voice. ... maybe he was in a bad place?

I would probably reply something like the below
"Hi X. Wow a surprise to hear from you after all this time!
I would consider meeting up.. but I have to know what happend for us to lose contact and you hang up on me those years ago? It was quite a shock and took me a while to get over it if I'm honest."

I lost touch with a male friend and he reappeared much like this. Turned out his girlfriend of the time didn't like me and he couldn't figure out what to do for the best. Yes, he could have explained, yes he could have insisted on staying in touch but in that situation at that time, he didn't. We took our time becoming friends again and he's a permanent fixture. (20 years on)

we all make mistakes. I'd hear him out and make a decision then, not now

I would definitely go, purely out of human curiosity.
Then come back and tell us what he said!

Eh? He ditched her for no reason. He’s only back because he wants something. He’s a shit friends.

More to lose than to gain.

Being nosey/curious I'd want to know why he did this, so I would probably go. Alternatively, you could ask why he's ghosted you for the last 5 years, even going so far as hanging up when he heard your voice. What possible justification could he have for that. His answer would very much decide whether I turned up for coffee. I'd be sure to tell him what a shitty human being he's been too.

Let us know how you get on 😊

I'd have blocked him on every channel. No excuse for 5 years of ghosting. There would be nothing he could say that would excuse him in my eyes.
Posting on LinkedIn as normal so he could have sent a text.

You could have needed his support so many times over the years, you could have been seriously ill or anything. Did he give a fuck? No.

Not a chance, although I would be curious to know what he had to say for himself.