Best friend who ghosted me 5 years ago just got in touch….

[SeeItSayItShutIt]

And I’m not sure how to feel (have name changed)

5 years ago, my best friend for decades, just stopped returning my calls. I posted about it on here under another name because it was so out of character that at first I thought he might have died or been in hospital unconscious! We were the type of friends who spoke every week and had done for probably 25/30 years (we are in our 50s, met at university).

People were split between not constantly reaching out and reaching out - I gave it one more go after a few weeks and he picked up the phone, heard my voice and hung up. I assumed it was something I had done (though I genuinely couldn’t figure it out) and that was that.

Im not going to lie, it has been painful missing him. I’m not on social media but we are both on LinkedIn and connected. He posts every few months. I had got over it now but always wondered what went on.

He reached out today to apologise and wants to meet. I can tell that he’s lost his job and I suspect he’s in a difficult place. The cynic in me says he’s only reaching out now because he needs something.

WWYD in my shoes. My heart wants to run towards him and welcome him back. My head says don’t you’ll get hurt again.

No . Don’t go

Hardly?? Why should she tolerate it

He’s treated you very badly, I would find it very hard to forgive and forget.
He obviously needs something from you now, be careful.

Thing that scares me most of all is that he's insisting on meeting face to face, w/o a word of apology or explanation. I have experiences of seeing people getting sucked into abusive relationships and toxic attachment, and this has red flags all over it.

When we meet people in person, we have to let our guard down a little so that we can communicate on some basic level. That's all the manipulator needs to get their claws into you again - the tiniest chink in our armour.

This puts me firmly in the 'judgey' and 'unforgiving' camp. Perhaps I would go, but preferably in the company of a trusted friend or relative or even two, and expect abject levels of apology.

Everyone deserves a second chance, and everyone deserves a fair hearing. Sure. You can give him that, on your terms.

If he recoils at the idea of that, I think that's a fair indication of what you may be dealing with.

You're a kinder woman than I am. I wouldn't meet up without a message explaining why he ghosted you. And the only reasons I would accept were an abusive relationship or serious physical/mental illness.

When people make decisions like ghosting for half a decade, I tend to assume they're happy with whatever the consequence of that choice will be. Included but not limited to never seeing me again.

Be careful and don't get sucked into any drama

This is a good point

Hmm. My previous lodger and (I thought) very good friend moved out overnight without a word and blocked me on everything. Still no idea why and don't really care now.

A couple of years later we bumped into each other and he was so OTT, grabbing me to hug me, kissing my cheek, going on about how much he missed me... And then came the request for a 'loan' (I'd given him 'loans' before - never paid back).

I laughed in his face and walked away.

I'd suggest you prep yourself to do similar OP - it sounds to me like he's either low on cash sowants your money, or his gf left him and he wants companionship. Don't let yourself be used.

I gave the second chance and wish I hadn’t.

I agree with This. Please read this post carefully @SeeItSayItShutIt

He's calling all the shots here, he's asking to meet and you have agreed, he's already in control of proceedings.

He is so arrogant and entitled he's not even bothered to explain or apologise.
All the posters saying to ask him for an explanation to be given in a message so you can decide whether you actually want to meet, are very wise.

You are jumping yo prioritise someone who ghosted you and hung up on you.

Why do you care? He dumped your friendship five years ago. Have some pride. Ignore him. He's a dickhead.

I would message him 'Actually thinking about it, I'm not sure I really want to meet. Seeing how you ghosted me for 5 years, there isn't really a friendship here anymore is there. That's not how friends behave'. at least see what he says in response.

He 100% wants to use you and you're letting him.

I'd go and meet him to see what he has to say. Having gone through similar with a male friend, I'd bet on it having been an ultimatum from the girlfriend.

I'd block him immediately, because he would already be dead to me.

Do you want someone in your life who will drop you without explanation and ignore you for 5 years, until it suits them to be in contact with you? I don't, but you do you.

Please let us know how it went
Whether you went and all thd gossip!
Im propper linked now.
Ships anchor style!

I met him today - nipped out from work at lunch time. Was very odd.

He had had a breakdown (2 in fact) and with the 2nd one, there was discussion about whether he should be sectioned. His relationship triggered all sorts of issues and they broke up 2 months ago and he now seems to be feeling a bit better. I ended up feeling sorry for him. I’m sure we will keep in touch but our friendship won’t be as it was before. I suppose at least I know it wasn’t me, it was him. He was a shell of his former self - incredible how being in the wrong relationship can just completely destroy you.

Oh that's so sad - glad you got an explanation.

Im friends with a guy who has come out of abusive relationship. He Was alcoholic for some time then woke up, dried out and saw her for who she was. But even that took time, because we never see what's obvious when we spend our lives covering for them.

I saw her photo online, i hardly knew him, just someone on a group chat but we clicked. He's 20 odd yrs younger than me, so its not that kind of click, just a soul thing.

The instant I saw her face I knew she was a wrong one, and I kept it to myself, but they were so unsuited, hes a soft loving looking guy, everything about her screams stone hard and bitter.

He got around to admitting how she belittled him and I listened, then I told him what I saw.
He couldn't believe it at first, thar I had weighed her up at a glance. I told him its a Spiritual Word.

They split 4 weeks ago and hes coming down hard, she walks into the house. Steals his things.... the list of pain goes on, but I saw his FB profile this week and I got nothing at all. Which only tells me that the forces that cried out to my noah are at peace now he's moving on.

We discovered months ago that we have the same philosophies in life.

I remind him of them, 'this too small pass' etc.
Your friend has been violated by his experiences. He needs a listening ear, a strong shoulder and a deep friendship, don't let him down, he knows you were always the better one.

My mate has been left with his partners cats. Cars she couldn't live without are now discarded, missing her and a millstone round his neck because they pine for her so badly.

These ba**ard partners do untold damage, and when they can't damage anymore they inflict worse than before!

That's awful op, and I agree it's very sad for him. Hopefully there will be healing and closure for you both in having "cleared the air" in a sense. I just wouldn't put any pressure on it going forwards. So long as it suits you to keep in touch then that's grand but if it stops working then I think it's fair enough to pull back in order to protect yourself. My feeling is that if he's doing better and he's reopening that door with you, then it's his job to keep it open and rebuild the trust, even if there were valid reasons why it was closed to begin with.

That's the thing I found out when I met up with a old friend who ghosted me. It's realisation when they are there in front of you that something has irrevocably changed. Sad but closure at last

I feel bad for him OP, life is tough. Did you tell him that his actions really hurt you? I'm guessing he was oblivious at the time. I believe you can rebuild the friendship but of course the ghosting period will always be there between you.

I went through something similar, i won't go into it but Lazarus (as I call her) just woke up and came back from the dead after about 5 years missing. No explanation. The renewed contact was never direct but she was lurking in several WhatsApp groups as we had many mutual friends. She was regularly in touch with only one, having also dropped the others. Then one day when someone was inviting the group to a party she replied and turned up, and since then she had turned up at everything and acted like it never happened. She looks great, life seems fine, her career is going well and I have absolutely no idea why we were rejected as a group or why i was personally dumped, we used to meet all the time one to one and would meet up in advance and arrive together to social outings. Now I am polite and friendly but can't move past it really, even after meeting socially and being nice to her, I thought she might contact me directly but no. So I totally understand your earlier posts and confused feelings. I still gets bouts of anger about being so mistreated.

That's really sad. I'm glad he's in a better place now. I would be nice when replying to his messages but nothing more, 5 years absence is too long.

A Break down is an awful thing.

My sister is bouncy vibrant and vocal. Makes friends with everyone and treats her friends well, but when she broke she totally changed.

Her husband asked me to come over and sit with her, he had to go to work and didn't want her left.
He asked me hiw will you deal with her, if she goes dark, what will you say.

I replied i will tell her not to worry, just be strong. He rolled his eyes and admitted he suspected i had no idea what she was like. Id never seen her any way but glorious.

I took his advice and I simply sat, rested with her and let her dictate the days events.
She decided she wanted to go to the supermarket. This seemed like a move in the right direction, she shopped for the west!

Whilst we were checking out the goods in store my sister stepped backwards and trod on an older woman who was passing. Her elbow hit the ladys hip and made her yelp.

Had she been in her right mind My sister would have been so apologetic and would have invited her for tea.
Not so that day... her expression was dead pan, she was operating on auto with no one at home!

The shock to me was immense. I would never have guessed that's how break diwn affects people. She was as responsive as a wind up doll. It took weeks of medication and she was never quite the same, took to avoiding parties, where as in the past she was the one organising such.

It takes a good friend to stand and be that strong shoulder. The hardest thing for the broken is to call for help, because they haven't been able to bear it before.

Yes people do ghost us, we've been there, but in a breakdown the victim is the sufferer and they didn't just ghost friends and family.
They ghosted themselves more than any of you.

If you cared at all, just give a little more.

I wouldnt say this if he'd just ignored and treat you badly. Id say leave well alone.... but your friend isn't well, and needs contact and normality.
No pressure, no recriminations, just your presence to give as much or as little as he needs to heal.

I think you did the right thing by going. You’d have been wondering forever otherwise.

A good friend ghosted me once just after she got engaged. I strongly suspected it was because she was unsure about the engagement and knew that I would know that. It took about eighteen months - by which point the engagement had indeed broken down - before she came back to me and admitted the truth. She said “I knew I could lie to everyone else, but you would see through me”. In truth, the friendship was never the same again, but at least I knew what had happened and we had made peace.

I'm glad you met @SeeItSayItShutIt and that you got answers as to why you were ghosted. It's sad that things won't be the same again but you have to put yourself first sometimes.

It's really eerie, and why I'm quoting myself, but the friend I talked about, who ghosted me, and who I haven't seen in almost 5 years, I almost walked into her earlier today when I went into the shop, I did a quick about turn and went up a different aisle, then shamelessly hid until I saw her pay at the checkout. She didn't see me. Felt really weird.

So was it the breakdown that led to him cutting contact? Did he say why?

Seems your update doesn’t actually answer what happened 5 years ago