Casual sex

[Nanareed]

Does anyone on here enjoy casual sex, like one night stands?

I'm 41. I've been in long relationships before. I've also had sex in short term relationships. Like, I knew the guy for three to six months.

I'd never really had a one night stand.

Anyway when I turned 40 (and single now) I thought I hadn't had enough sex in life, and that I hadn't been spontaneous enough.

I decided to go on tinder and have some one night stands .

Ive done two so far. The two men were nice enough. I just found the whole thing a bit boring? It didnt do much for me at all.

It didn't help that both men focused on their pleasure, and not mine. They didn't want to do anything for my pleasure. I had to keep asking them to do one thing

I was thinking I'd missed out on something, but now I've tried it, maybe I hadnt

Oh no the complete opposite for me at my comprehensive school

Non stop bullying of those who got male attention or were 'exposed' for having sex and not making the guy wait

It has, i thought it was supposed to be lighthearted 😭😭😭

I would count those two or three or four occasions as “one night stands” tbh – it was a short-term sex thing, basically.

VERY depressing that there are still women who think that women who enjoy having sex and don’t think it’s the reserve of a serious relationship only are “easy” or “slags”. Talk about internalised misogyny…

When I was younger, lots of no strings casual encounters and one night stands in my 20s. Some were very fun others meh. Most were spontaneous, lots of drink and chemistry involved.

I got over having them many years ago, I don’t think I’d enjoy them now. They were a part of my youth and experimenting life.

I've only done it once and I was very drunk. The sex was great and I enjoyed it but felt a bit embarrassed the next day. I've recently been in a FWB situation and that is much much better. Amazing sex and affection.

Men known to women are far more riskier than strange men.

Men known to women are more likely to abuse them
Men known to women are more likely to rape them

Stranger rapes are incredibly rare.

I’ve had when I was young, going to nightclubs, dancing and flirting then ending up having sex. It was fun but the men always wanted to keep up the connection afterwards (like they’re adding you to their harem or something) and in the cold light of day I always thought WTAF was I thinking!

I find sex in a relationship a million times better and I doubt I’ll ever have one again. I no longer go to nightclubs for a start 😂

They are not though, are they? A one night stand is just that. The clue is in the name. If you both wanted to go back for more, several times, then it wasn't a one night stand, it was a short lived fling.

Fair enough – in that case I’ve only had two ONS, the rest were all 2-5 occasions. Anything above that I’d call a FWB I guess.

I don’t think it’s possible to generalise, really. It’s down to a) personal preference, b) the person you have sex with and c) how able you are to articulate what you want and take the lead if you need to.

Also, here’s the thing: often, when a one-night-stand is brilliant for both partners, it usually ends up being more than a one-night-stand. All but one of my relationships, serious and casual, have started as what I had assumed would be one-night-stands. But as the sex was great, it seemed like a good idea to keep doing it. But if the first times on all those occasions had remained as one-night-stands, they would have been amazing one-night-stands that I’d never have regretted.

I am absolutely of the belief that if sex isn’t great the first time, it won’t actually get any better. That’s certainly been my experience anyway. I either click with someone in bed or I don’t.

Doesn’t affection come from having feelings for someone though? How does that work that you can have sex with someone and feel affectionate towards them without romantic feelings?

Because you can have affection for your friends?

You're allowed to have your thoughts.

I personally think it's a shame sex has become something akin to just scratching an itch and our bodies are just transactional

Maybe I have conservative or old fashioned views. But I'm sure if you asked a Muslim woman or devout Christian woman how they viewed sex you'd get a similar answer. I expect posters would be falling overthemselves to "respect" my views if I was the former.

That’s also totally what I don’t get about FWB. Sex + attraction + chemistry + friendship + affection would mean I’d want a relationship and fall hopelessly in love. I think it’s just something I won’t ever/cant understand, but obviously some people do have successful FWB

Sex isn’t transactional for me. Sex is sometimes a fun thing I do with someone I like and find attractive. Other times it’s an incredible meaningful act of connection and deep love. For some people – and I know it doesn’t work this way for everyone – it can be both. If that’s not the case for you, that’s absolutely fine – but don’t judge those women who are different to you.

It’s EXTREMELY weird that you’re bringing Islam into this, but for the record I’m not a fan of anyone policing other women’s bodies or what they choose to do with them for any reason – and I say that as a Christian.

I don't necessarily agree. I would think a man who had sex on the first date in much the same terms as a woman. Whether I think they lack self respect or are enjoying their bodies as they should, I still would think of it in the same terms.

You seem very intolerant of people who hold a different view to you. You've called @SquashedMallow old fashioned and a slut shamer because she holds different views around sex. So what? Her views are just as valid as yours or anybody else's. Women are allowed have different opinions you know...

No. It's not weird at all that I've bought up a valid point.

Religious woman often have strong morals when it comes to sex. I am not deeply religious, but my views align somewhat when it comes to sex. I find on Mumsnet there is instant respect when someone mentions a view and then states it's because of a protected characteristic. But someone comes along who is just stating their views just because that's how they feel and gets accused of "slut shaming".

Couldn't agree more. I have a FWB because I don't want a relationship with him (or anyone), but our chemistry is incredible.

I have had one ONS. I was lucky, I think. He certainly knew what he was doing. But I prefer FWB.

Thankyou, I really appreciate your post.

I was called 'weird' for raising a point that if I'd stated I was Muslim or devout Christian, I'd probably be "allowed" to say my feelings and be "respected". But because it's just my view without "reason" behind it- I'm a "slut shamer".

Yeh, but is it not confusing to mix friendly affection with sex though?

I do get it although it's something I did only once when I was in Uni. It's like there is an element missing, romance I suppose. You don't want to hold hands or look into their eyes or stay up all night talking because you don't want to hang up. But there is a little bit of physical attraction there in a way that people often feel vaguely attracted to a friend. And when you first kiss or make contact its a bit weird for a moment and then sparks ignite, basically you become aroused. But afterwards you are happy to go about your own life and don't want to wallow in their presence. That's my version anyhow. I know it's not for everyone.

No 🤷🏼‍♀️

No.

Women are allowed have different opinions you know...

Indeed @Dontlletmedownbruce – about their own bodies and what they want to do with them, but not about anyone else’s. There’s a difference between “I personally wouldn’t have a one night stand and can’t see the appeal but I don’t judge those who do” and “women who have one night stands are easy”. One is absolutely fine. One is not.

@SquashedMallow I’ve already said that I would have reacted in the same way whether you were religious or not. And “if I were a Muslim I could say X offensive thing without consequence” is a) untrue, b) deflection and c) quite often used as a racist dogwhistle.