Casual sex

[Nanareed]

Does anyone on here enjoy casual sex, like one night stands?

I'm 41. I've been in long relationships before. I've also had sex in short term relationships. Like, I knew the guy for three to six months.

I'd never really had a one night stand.

Anyway when I turned 40 (and single now) I thought I hadn't had enough sex in life, and that I hadn't been spontaneous enough.

I decided to go on tinder and have some one night stands .

Ive done two so far. The two men were nice enough. I just found the whole thing a bit boring? It didnt do much for me at all.

It didn't help that both men focused on their pleasure, and not mine. They didn't want to do anything for my pleasure. I had to keep asking them to do one thing

I was thinking I'd missed out on something, but now I've tried it, maybe I hadnt

Everything I am reading and hearing about ONS and casual sex is that there is very little invested in terms of feelings and the other person's needs.

That is mostly the point of a ONS. If you want more you go for a relationship.

Still so many misconceptions about this. A lot of people seem unable to grasp that a lot of other people just like sex, the activity - not with any old passer-by, but with a right person. Doesn't have to be the right person.

I'm going with tennis as a vague analogue again. I don't much like sport, but I've observed the players hanging around the courts at holiday resorts, looking for a suitable match. They find a reasonable prospect, they start a game and, if it turns out they are well matched, will carry on playing until they're kicked off their court and probably meet up for a few more sessions while they're on holiday.

Don't you love the similarities between sporting and sexing vernacular? 😂

If the players are not well suited after all, they don't enjoy playing with each other and call it off. (Look at me resisting puns on "Love" and "Advantage"!) Thus it is, too, with opportunistic sex. Either party can change their mind - I certainly have, and so have some of my partners. Unlike relationship sex, there's no significant emotional context to navigate - you only need mild courtesy.

I will say it's RIDICULOUS to assume it's mostly about male self-gratification! What the hell do you take us for? Women wouldn't enjoy no-strings sex if they didn't know what they like and weren't active in making it happen. That would be like standing on the centre mark with your racquet held up, waiting for your opposite to lob a ball straight at it. No fun for either player.

Yes, I've had plenty of good books with people I wasn't in love with or a relationship with. It's not my absolute favourite, but it's very exciting. I like having fond memories of crazy adventures. Life is for living

Love your typo there 📖🤓😂

Who on here would have an open marriage or relationship?

After I separated from my husband (and only sexual partner) I went a bit Doolally and basically went with anyone who I found vaguely attractive who showed a passing interest. At the time I felt desired and powerful but ultimately it wasn’t satisfactory. It’s much more fulfilling to have a long term person who you connect with. If I was single again, I’d just have a w*nk. ;))

That's a good question. I'd have no problem with it in theory. In practice, I wouldn't do it because of the unpredictable bonding effects of sex. When I felt this while I was single, I had a choice: understand that I'd feel sad for a while, or explore whether the partner was up for a continuing relationship.

It's bloody awful to be in a long-term couple with someone who's going through this. It's not much fun if you're the 'straying' partner, either.

Humans aren't chimps or bonobos. I'm not convinced we're a lifetime bonding species, either, though we do have the additional capacity for conscious choice. There are a lot of serially monogamous species: it might be our thing, too, but we need family & clan structures. We've built ours around long-term pairs. The reasons for that are a whole other debate, mind you!

It doesn't make sense to risk your entire support structure - though people do it all the time, of course. I'm in favour of easier divorce WITH adequate provision for mothers, children, the sick and the elderly, both financially and socially. We aren't there yet.

Not so.much fun if you get pregnant.
Horrible for the child to know it was the product of a one night stand.

I'm not open, but I am poly. I live with the man I'm married to, we've been together 19 years, and I have my other partner of 18 months who I stay with a couple of nights a week. It's not really based on sex though, more domesticity. But all of us felt like monogamy was not for us from young adulthood, but in the 90/00s hadn't heard it was a thing. There seem to be a lot of younger people starting out in Ethical Non-Monogamy, but then people like us who find out about it later. I wish I'd known though - prior to meeting my nesting partner I spent 10 years avoiding settling down in relationships as I didn't want to have to share my life completely with someone.

• Do you pay rent and bills at both homes? Do you do the cooking, laundry, and cleaning at both?
• Does your DH have a girlfriend? How many? Does your BF have another GF? How many?
• Do you have children?
• What does DH do when you’re away with BF?
• Do your parents know?
• Do you use condoms with everyone, including DH?
• Is BF in your will?

Sorry for all the questions…just being nosey.

I own the home I live in with my DH, I don't contribute to BF's house but do buy some groceries and household things. I keep some of my things there, similar to when I was dating DH and staying at his house. When I'm there I chip in with some cleaning but he generally looks after his house.
DH has a GF of about 3 years, but sees her intermittently due to her work, and she lives with her primary DP. BF is solo poly (doesn't want to permanently settle in a home with a partner) and has myself and another GF.
I have 2 teenage kids, BF is treated like a stepdad by them and they get on well.
When one of us is away, DH or I are home with the kids. Once the kids are older we can easily spend more time away.
Parents and everyone know really, including work - BF has met my family, I've spoken to his DM too. Everyone's cool with poly now, but they've had a few years to get used to it.
DH, BF and I are in a closed loop so we don't use protection together but we do with others. The three of us test every 3 months at the same time.
No legal or financial attachment to BF at the moment, but you never know.

Omg, why are you here to pick up women? How do you think this is appealing?

The desperation is strong! And very unappealing.