Casual sex

[Nanareed]

Does anyone on here enjoy casual sex, like one night stands?

I'm 41. I've been in long relationships before. I've also had sex in short term relationships. Like, I knew the guy for three to six months.

I'd never really had a one night stand.

Anyway when I turned 40 (and single now) I thought I hadn't had enough sex in life, and that I hadn't been spontaneous enough.

I decided to go on tinder and have some one night stands .

Ive done two so far. The two men were nice enough. I just found the whole thing a bit boring? It didnt do much for me at all.

It didn't help that both men focused on their pleasure, and not mine. They didn't want to do anything for my pleasure. I had to keep asking them to do one thing

I was thinking I'd missed out on something, but now I've tried it, maybe I hadnt

If you're going to comment - at least read the whole thread 🙄

Hey, I'm studying to be a sex therapist and all the research shows that the VAST majority of one night stands are pretty mundane for most women. We tend to walk away with no orgasms and no sense that much of anything has been accomplished.

Interesting(ish), @AlexStocks. What was the population base for this research?

I can understand that. I think men get more out of ons. For me it's more the cuddling and, dare I say it, a sort of experimenting. I hope that he is what I'm looking for but he seldom is.
Gosh I sound like a "different man every night" kind of girl!
NO. My experience of ons is limited!

Depends on the study! I will say one found that whether there is pleasure may be tied to the woman's own attitudes about ONS. But the orgasm gap is real and a definite challenge. Something like 78% of men have an orgasm in a ons, but for women that number drops into the 30s. Doesn't mean that orgasm is the only metric for pleasure, but it's certainly one that can be "easier" to "measure". Most of us can say yes we did or didn't have one....except for the ambiguous ones.

Thanks, Alex. I suspect female enjoyment and orgasm would both increase with age & experience. Sex surveys tend to be carried out on students.

Great to see so many positive stories

And a few odd, really outdated attitudes 😤

I think you mean "different opinions"

@AlexStocks any controlling for whether the women had orgasms during relationships? Speaking as someone who only finally had an orgasm with a partner in the room during an ONS...

I do agree though that age and experience makes a difference. My student ONSs were either done according to my mother's rule not to turn down invitations unless I had a good reason (I don't think she thought I would apply the advice to that sort of invitation) or were ONSs that I didn't expect to be ONSs. Quite sad. Whereas the ones I had when I was in my late 40s/50s were fully my choice and a lot of fun.

@PermanentTemporary that makes a ton of sense actually. In general, across the board, women have fewer orgasms than men, but yes, as we get older, have more experience, fewer issues with asking for what we want, etc we have more orgasms. The older we are the more we are likely to do the behaviors that close that gap!

I think it's important too, to remember we don't always falls neatly into the studies. They are just broad nets and someone's always outside the curve. I mentioned the studies so the OP didn't feel like something is wrong with her. Regardless of experience, whether good or bad, normal is pretty diverse. We can't say that normal is an exact science.

I live that you had this experience!

I mean the positive part, not the negative @PermanentTemporary

At university I had a few, they don't appeal to me at all now but I enjoyed them at the time.

I did.
And you still assert your view without any evidence.

Women are generally physically more vulnerable than men but in the case of ONS the woman is already "putting out" what the man wants so the risk is significantly reduced.

Both men and women are equally at risk from an STI point of view.

Men on the other hand are considerably more vulnerable to the (non-pregnancy) consequences of a ONS in respect of questions of consent. The onus of consent and measurements of inebriation level are squarely on the man. Post-coital regret of even consensual sex never manifests as an allegation against the woman, only against the man

Yeh, I mean I agree with what you've said about men being vulnerable to false accusations, 100%.

That's why I believe sex inside relationships is safer and healthier. You say I'm not backing up my opinions with evidence. But you don't always have to evidence all opinions. If that was the case, uneducated people would never be allowed an opinion.

Anyone can have an opinion of course but people are far more likely to take notice of educated opinions.

So feeling like sex is something that should be done inside of a relationship is an uneducated opinion ? We've reached new lows....

If it is only based on old fashioned opinion with no evidence, it's hardly an educated opinion is it?

It's 'old fashioned ' because you're saying it is. You've been brainwashed by modern speak , oh so educated one?

It's 'old fashioned ' to state a woman is an adult human female. It's modern to say males can be women and access girls toilets.

I'm working off your logic. Not all "progress" is 'educated'

It's old fashioned because thankfully attitudes towards women have changed a lot, though it is obviously still far from perfect. Women can and do enjoy sex, it isn't something that they just 'give' men.

It's a fact to state that a woman is an adult human female backed up by science. There is no science to back up why women shouldn't have casual sex, it's largely based on old fashioned sexism. It certainly isn't an educated opinion.

Absolutely it is a fact that a woman is an adult human female. But its an 'old fashioned view' ...

So, why are you thinking that I think women shouldn't enjoy sex ? You do realise some women in relationships have very kinky, wild, erotic sex lives ? I'm sure there's someone out there pegging their husband as we speak ! 😆

But I believe, sex is something for relationships. It's very intimate. I don't believe it's something to do with "friends" or randoms.

I'm sorry you find that "old fashioned"

It isn't old fashioned, it's simply a biological fact. I'm not seeing any facts in regards to sex only being for relationships. That's the difference.

Due to some of your previous comments.

Sex is whatever the consenting people having it want it to be. It's that simple, sometimes it's in a relationship and sometimes it's because your single and just fancy a shag. Different experiences, fun times all around.

Well that's up to you.

I personally think sex Is something special to share in a relationship.

Shagging mates or randoms takes out that special factor for me. But admittedly, I see sex as a physical expression of love. That may sound very cheesy, but I need that emotional connection.

I wouldn't like my daughter (or anyone else's for that matter ) to think sex is something to do with any old random. It's a slipping of standards. Girls start feeling pressured - because "it's old fashioned to keep sex for someone special"

Sex can be about love but it doesn't always have to be.

The most important thing about sex is consent. If someone doesn't want to have casual sex, that's fine but if they do then they won't be getting any shame from me.

Both boys and girls need to be taught about consent, peer pressure etc no matter what.

Standards my arse.

Sex is fun. (Well it was when I was younger). Eat, drink be merry. And shag.

Everything I am reading and hearing about ONS and casual sex is that there is very little invested in terms of feelings and the other person's needs. It seems more about self gratification (mostly for the male) and for this reason I would stay away from such encounters, personally. I am a male and happily married, and have been with the same partner for more than twenty years. We have our ups and downs and sometimes, during the downs - the mind does wonder what it would be like with someone else. But reality kicks in, and get a kick up the butt to awaken myself to the beautiful relationship I have and to appreciate this. This thread is one of those kicks! Thank you for posting and for all those with their wonderful insights. Love reading your messages. Keeps me grounded!