Casual sex

[Nanareed]

Does anyone on here enjoy casual sex, like one night stands?

I'm 41. I've been in long relationships before. I've also had sex in short term relationships. Like, I knew the guy for three to six months.

I'd never really had a one night stand.

Anyway when I turned 40 (and single now) I thought I hadn't had enough sex in life, and that I hadn't been spontaneous enough.

I decided to go on tinder and have some one night stands .

Ive done two so far. The two men were nice enough. I just found the whole thing a bit boring? It didnt do much for me at all.

It didn't help that both men focused on their pleasure, and not mine. They didn't want to do anything for my pleasure. I had to keep asking them to do one thing

I was thinking I'd missed out on something, but now I've tried it, maybe I hadnt

I did not say you have no self respect.

I personally feel there is a link between sexual behaviour and self respect. (That's my personal opinion) Some studies back my opinion up, some do not.

I don't blame casual sex for all of society's breakdown . But I do think liberalism has become bloated. To the point there is little 'rules or standard ' to keep in society. It's an old fashioned view. I accept that.

Men who have casual sex/ONS/meet for hook ups. I'll be completely honest with you- I would be put off a relationship with a man that revealed that history to me, yes. Be that right or wrong. But that is my honest answer. So I suppose , in that sense, yes I would judge them.

I think when it's widely advertised that women in general in the UK and other western/liberal cultures are up for casual sex, it can leak into schools and become a new 'norm' and girls can get pressured into thinking they should be sleeping with boys /men without it being a serious relationship.

I used to sleep with guys I picked up when I was a student. It was almost always fun. Sometimes it was good enough to see them again, normally not.

I'm in my 50s now and the idea of it is not nearly as appealing. I think because sex isn't as new and exciting now. I still enjoy it, but I've had so much it's not the adventure it was when I was younger. I can totally see why a Tinder hook up would be a bit boring.

Also the whole matching with someone online and then meeting up for sex seems very inorganic. When I slept around when I was younger I'd meet guys at a party or a club, there would be an evening of swapping eye contact and dancing and getting progressively closer before it was clear we'd be getting together. If no one appealed then I still had a good time and if someone looked good at first but not so much later it was easy to stop things going further and potentially even move on to someone else. I found the situation made it very low pressure.

I've never really cared if a guy had a negative impression of me because my sexual mores were equal opportunity. If it made them think less of me, more fool them. It's not like I'd be interested in a relationship with a guy with double standards.

Generally no as I'm too emotional and it feels hollow. However a very sexy man I can make an exception for.

A few years back a friend and I joined Tinder and we played the game i.e. sexy pictures and flirting/sexting. It was all very open i.e. upfront that I'm not looking for anything serious from the outset so no crossed wires. I'd been single for yonks and my friend had been going through some serious life stuff so it was just fun.

I met some really nice men! One who was great in bed, had multiple orgasms.

Another who was also very decent and he popped round to see me when he had a free afternoon or evening a few times, went for drinks a couple of times, but mostly a rip your clothes off scenario. He was divorced (long time divorced) and had just ended a relationship that he told me about in depth (though to be honest I suspect he maybe hadn't actually ended it). He still messages now and then but I don't think I'm that keen anymore.

The third guy, my goodness, possibly best sex ever. He is still in my phone 😂. I could only see him sporadically because as PP says the oxytocin crash is massive and you've not got the person there (of course you can send a nice message etc. ) to cuddle or whatever. You're left feeling like it was slightly unreal and then your brain tries to fill in the gaps and imagine more than there was - I did learn to forget it but thats mentally tiring.

Fourth one - vv hot and quite sweet but I feel I need to go back to the gym before I see him again.

It was a lot of fun in my libido resurgence phase of my early 40s.

I think having 3-4 is a good number as you're not dependent on one & less likely to get attached. I never stayed the night / had any of them stay the night as that is relationship territory.

Obviously this is all terrible behaviour and if I found a relationship / put the effort into finding one, I'd delete them (genuinely I would, I'm not deluded to think they are real friends) 😂.

I enjoy a ONS once in a while. I am seeking pleasure for myself; this usually means they enjoy it too, but I am focussed on my pleasure more than theirs, and i definitely have orgasms. I wouldn't want a relationship with most of them. I can go ages without one, but when I'm single and in the mood, why not? People might judge me for it, but that's their problem, not mine. Most people don't know.

There is one word that seems to be missing here; passion!

I’m bi, l travel a lot for work and from time to time when the mood takes me it’s nice to have someone scratch that itch! But a little discussion is needed first on expectations; no oral - no entry. Bring on the name calling!

Not ONS as such though, but “one offs”, l prefer to wake alone in my own bed in the morning.

My own sister met her now husband at a mutual friend’s wedding. She bedded him within an hour or so of meeting at an hotel check in; they have been married years; the amount of time you have known someone does not equate with longevity or otherwise.

I’ve never had a ONS. Not my thing.

I do have this to add to the discussion, though - I’ve never had so little self-respect as I did during my 20 year relationship with my XH.

Whereas the women on here who are using their agency to seek pleasure with men they like sound full of self love and respect.

I had about 4 one nighters as a student. They were without exception pointless, bad for me and bad sex. That was because I didn't know myself, my body, much about sex or anything else. There wasn't much pleasure but tbh there was exactly the same amount of pleasure as I had in sex within relationships.

After dh died I had about 15 dalliances of various types - mostly one offs but some repeated ones. We 'met' via websites and it was all very clear and open. I was 50 and the male and female people I was with ranged from 27 to 60. I had some of the best sex I've ever had, including more orgasms than I'd had during my 32 years of sexual experience up to that time. I always felt pleasure and excitement. For me sex can be like an enjoyable physical hobby as @peachgreen suggested. I would much rather meet someone and go to bed for the afternoon than play tennis with them, and I felt zero shame. I didn't feel 'empowered' either. It was just something I wanted to do.

So I would thoroughly reject the idea that having sex with someone who I've met for mutual enjoyment means I'm losing or giving something away, or am 'easy' in that it suggests being 'hard to get' according to a man's opinion is somehow better. On the other hand I agree that casual sex being the expected norm for young women is no better than expecting them to 'save' themselves for marriage, and yes it does carry some additional risks for women and it's silly to deny that.

Maybe I have conservative or old fashioned views. But I'm sure if you asked a Muslim woman or devout Christian woman how they viewed sex you'd get a similar answer. I expect posters would be falling over themselves to "respect" my views if I was the former

No, actually, I wouldn’t respect views about women who like casual sex and engage in it if they were based on religions that are patriarchal, misogynistic and have caused extreme harm to women over centuries. I’d be very quick to reject those views entirely actually.

Sex is about the sharing of bodies which should be for mutual benefit. It is not something that a woman gives to a man. Chemistry and passion can be intense, that is when your body is saying “you go girl” and then it is the right thing to do.

Over my years on MN l’ve been told they had names for girls like me when they were at school and been called a ho! But l bet hitherto l’ve had a happier life.

No woman is “easier” (awful term) than the person she’s having sex with and those who indulge in fun sex are probably getting more benefit than those raising their asbestos nighties every Saturday night for “maintenance keep him happy sex”.

Probably the best sex with someone is the second time, you have been introduced to each others bodies and the feel and the taste but that fanny flutter feeling is still extreme and full of lovely butterflies.

Non regrette rien!

I had a few one night stands inl my single days i used to get too attached i wasent very good at leaving it as a ONS
So the were not for me.

Who gives a fuck what men think? Some of us are just trying to buss a nut and have fun. Not every woman dreams about being ‘wifey material.’ I’d probably never be in a relationship with a man I fucked straight off the bat.

Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. Sometimes you just want to fuck the same person and go about your day. It’s really not difficult to comprehend

Ahhh I see... You're allowed to insult women that view sex as something to be enjoyed in a loving relationship. Right, got you!

You do realise that there are some very sexy, modern women that look good, might even dress sexily and be flirtatious and confident, yet still wouldn't have sex with random men.

@SquashedMallow · Yesterday 20:04

We can all pretend that it doesn't happen and it isn't the case , but women who have sex with a ONS or FWB are just going to be considered "easy" by the person having sex with them.

LOL what century are you living in?😆 Do you call 'promiscuous' women 'bikes' too, and other derogatory words (beginning with S?) Grow up! Women are just as allowed to shag multiple partners on one night stands as men are.

What a fucking shitty regressive comment from you!

Ok. You do you. Men do often view women as easy when they practice promiscuity. That's life. If you're not bothered by that - cool, fine.

It's not 'regressive' to believe sex should be in the confines of a loving relationship. You're now making it 'regressive'. Why does "progress" always have to involve liberalism with no brakes on ? You're just part of the "fuck you all and your more conservative views. Mine are the right ones and yours are wrong. End of. Shut up and go away " crowd. It's not helpful

I had a few in my 20s before I met my ex, some of them were nice, some were weird, some I'd rather forget. The one I remember the best was the one who was a friend of a friend and actually a lovely bloke (apparently he did actually really like me but for some reason we never did get together). We spent the whole of the following day together.

Another i met at the Reading festival, spent all weekend together, but it didn't go anywhere. Then I moved to the town he lived (not because of him) a few months later. I was out one night and randomly bumped into him in a pub and obviously the unfinished business had to happen. I was so surprised he remembered me.

I'm in my 40s now, the last two guys I slept with. One I had known for 7 months, the other I had been speaking to for 4 months. Think my days of ONSs and irresponsible sex are over though as it took 7 months to have sex with the last guy.

I've had loads 🙂 I was not (during my sexually active years) one of those people who need to be in a safe, emotionally involved relationship to enjoy sex. I just like doing it, I feel involved with the man for as long as we're together - hours, days, weeks or years - and walk away with friendly feelings. Someone once said I bring my whole self to the bedroom, then take my whole self away when I leave. I felt that was accurate!

A lot of women seem to view sex as transactional in some way - financially, emotionally or both - and many people of both sexes see it as something a man does "to" a woman, or that she "gives" or allows. I never did, and I only want partners for whom sex is something we do together. I have quit on guys who turned out to have a "doing to" approach: I've even hopped out of bed mid-shag and gone home because of that!

Modern porn really has set things back, in my opinion. A big part of the reason I decided to stop bothering with sex was that it became much harder to find interested men with a healthy, balanced and equal attitude to it.

I really don't give a shit if some bloke thinks he's won something or got one over on me by getting his end away - his old-fashioned ideas aren't my problem - but you can be sure I care if he selfishly treats me like a warm-bodied sex toy! I'm not sticking around for that!

Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. Sometimes you just want to fuck the same person and go about your day. It’s really not difficult to comprehend

It does seem incomprehensible to some. But thank you for this. It's exactly where I am.

A lot of women seem to view sex as transactional in some way - financially, emotionally or both - and many people of both sexes see it as something a man does "to" a woman, or that she "gives" or allows. I never did, and I only want partners for whom sex is something we do together. I have quit on guys who turned out to have a "doing to" approach: I've even hopped out of bed mid-shag and gone home because of that!

Love this and agree with you.

Nobody was insulted in my post. I certainly did not insult women in a loving relationship. Nor have l mentioned random men. You can enjoy casual sex and still be very choosy.

Yep this. ^ 👏

Does it really matter if someone’s “easy” To me that means they just enjoy sex and aren’t bothered about being in a relationship. What is wrong with that?

Why is it a term only applied to women? When I was single and on a night out there were plenty of easy men out there as well, I know that because I’d be looking for them! I just don’t understand the worry that a man might think you’re easy when they’re doing the exact same thing as you! If the woman is easy for having a one night stand with a man, then the man is as well!

Exactly @Sugarfish It's such a nasty misogynistic insult, (to call a woman 'EASY,') and as you say, it's ALWAYS aimed at women.

As I said though, I have not heard anyone say this about women since the dark ages. (In real life.) Weird, regressive attitude towards women who like casual sex with strangers. (And in the days when women were labelled as 'easy' it was almost always a man saying it.)

As you say, no-one bats an eyelid when it's men doing it.

I’ve slept with people and never wanted to sleep with them again. That’s a one night stand. I’ve seen the lack of desire for a repeat performance as a failiure of the connection. If it was good I’d do it more than once.