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Original poster

Casual sex

295 replies

Nanareed · 25/03/2025 19:13

Does anyone on here enjoy casual sex, like one night stands?

I'm 41. I've been in long relationships before. I've also had sex in short term relationships. Like, I knew the guy for three to six months.

I'd never really had a one night stand.

Anyway when I turned 40 (and single now) I thought I hadn't had enough sex in life, and that I hadn't been spontaneous enough.

I decided to go on tinder and have some one night stands .

Ive done two so far. The two men were nice enough. I just found the whole thing a bit boring? It didnt do much for me at all.

It didn't help that both men focused on their pleasure, and not mine. They didn't want to do anything for my pleasure. I had to keep asking them to do one thing

I was thinking I'd missed out on something, but now I've tried it, maybe I hadnt

OP posts:
alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 27/03/2025 08:14

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 08:13

What is it about women enjoying sex that frightens you?

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👏

StarlightLady · 27/03/2025 08:18

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 08:13

What is it about women enjoying sex that frightens you?

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Mum always used to tell sister and l that sex with consent was a good thing and if done properly made you feel nice but beware bad people. And if something wasn’t making you feel nice, stop doing it.

BoldAmberDuck · 27/03/2025 08:27

GarlicStyle · 27/03/2025 08:04

May I ask ... ? If you're ruthlessly honest with yourself, were you hoping to trade sex for a good relationship? Some people (usually women), I think, are motivated to have sex as an inducement to a longer-lasting bond.

The word 'transactional' has been liberally used on this thread, mostly wrongly. A transaction is where you trade one thing for another. Sex for no other purpose than mutual enjoyment isn't a transaction, it's a joint enterprise: a shared activity. You wouldn't call a game of tennis transactional.

Transactional sex would be having sex with another motive: to gain money, information or love, for instance. People may find they feel empty, used or disappointed if they attempt to trade sex for something and don't succeed.

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You’re exactly right. Yes I was hoping it would lead to relationship and escape from the domestic situation I was in. I still continued once out of the situation and did risky stuff that I was ashamed of but somehow I continued…..

SquashedMallow · 27/03/2025 08:44

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 08:13

What is it about women enjoying sex that frightens you?

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There's absolutely nothing wrong with women enjoying sex. I don't know how you came to the conclusion that I thought they shouldn't? It's quite possible to enjoy sex within a relationship you know ?

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 08:52

SquashedMallow · 27/03/2025 08:44

There's absolutely nothing wrong with women enjoying sex. I don't know how you came to the conclusion that I thought they shouldn't? It's quite possible to enjoy sex within a relationship you know ?

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Well, that’s all the women on this thread are doing. Enjoying sex. It just happens to be sex outside a relationship. I’m still confused as to why that frightens you.

PoppyBaxter · 27/03/2025 08:52

I've never had a ONS. I've been in 2 long term relationships back to back and am very happy with DH, with no plans to cheat on him!
But I've never felt more sexual than I do now at 41. I could definitely have very enjoyable, meaningless sex with a stranger - if I were single.

MightyGoldBear · 27/03/2025 08:56

I think the fun is in the flirting and the anticipation of possibility. The reality is most men aren't great at sex especially with women they don't know/haven't learnt their body. To have really good sex you need to be able to trust and communicate. I'm sure there has been one off amazing encounters but they are the exception. Most people I've spoken to get to a point where they feel unfulfilled by it.

I know they certainly don't work for me I need more connection.

StarlightLady · 27/03/2025 09:15

PoppyBaxter · 27/03/2025 08:52

I've never had a ONS. I've been in 2 long term relationships back to back and am very happy with DH, with no plans to cheat on him!
But I've never felt more sexual than I do now at 41. I could definitely have very enjoyable, meaningless sex with a stranger - if I were single.

If l may digress for a brief moment, welcome to 40+, it really is girls on fire! Enjoy ⚡️.

PoppyBaxter · 27/03/2025 09:31

StarlightLady · 27/03/2025 09:15

If l may digress for a brief moment, welcome to 40+, it really is girls on fire! Enjoy ⚡️.

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It really is like a bomb went off overnight about 6 months ago! 😜

ThatsCute · 27/03/2025 10:05

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 08:52

Well, that’s all the women on this thread are doing. Enjoying sex. It just happens to be sex outside a relationship. I’m still confused as to why that frightens you.

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I don’t think women enjoying sex outside of a relationship is frightening. Women should be able to choose who they share their bodies with. Perhaps what PP is frightened of is the pressure/expectation that women have sex outside of committed relationships, even if that’s not they want, as that’s what’s “expected”. There was a thread the other day about a young 20-something woman in a relationship with a young man who wanted to continue to sleep with other women, and she went along with it, despite being monogamous herself. Lots of comments from other PPs about that’s how it is nowadays. This swings the pendulum the opposite direction for younger women, where being in a monogamous relationship is outdated. That is what’s frightening—young women shouldn’t be pressured into open relationships if that’s not what they want.

Chelsea2026 · 27/03/2025 10:14

Pleasecanyouadviseme · 25/03/2025 19:35

I've done it and also found it p unfulfilling tbh

I've had a few one night stands in my 20s. Total waste of time and didnt enjoy it!

SquashedMallow · 27/03/2025 10:14

ThatsCute · 27/03/2025 10:05

I don’t think women enjoying sex outside of a relationship is frightening. Women should be able to choose who they share their bodies with. Perhaps what PP is frightened of is the pressure/expectation that women have sex outside of committed relationships, even if that’s not they want, as that’s what’s “expected”. There was a thread the other day about a young 20-something woman in a relationship with a young man who wanted to continue to sleep with other women, and she went along with it, despite being monogamous herself. Lots of comments from other PPs about that’s how it is nowadays. This swings the pendulum the opposite direction for younger women, where being in a monogamous relationship is outdated. That is what’s frightening—young women shouldn’t be pressured into open relationships if that’s not what they want.

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Thankyou, you've worded well what I was trying to get across!

Chelsea2026 · 27/03/2025 10:15

MightyGoldBear · 27/03/2025 08:56

I think the fun is in the flirting and the anticipation of possibility. The reality is most men aren't great at sex especially with women they don't know/haven't learnt their body. To have really good sex you need to be able to trust and communicate. I'm sure there has been one off amazing encounters but they are the exception. Most people I've spoken to get to a point where they feel unfulfilled by it.

I know they certainly don't work for me I need more connection.

Men are rubbish at sex - I prefer women !

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 27/03/2025 10:24

I didn't mind ONS when I was late teens/twenties. I met DP when I was 31/32 and have been monogamous.
If we were to split up I would need to get over the imperfections of aging before sharing myself with anyone else.
A stranger, I might just think fuck it lol not gonna see them again so who cares if I have piles or a prolapse womb 🤷🏼‍♀️
It would be the best they ever had so I doubt it's the little things like that they would remember 🤣

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 11:23

ThatsCute · 27/03/2025 10:05

I don’t think women enjoying sex outside of a relationship is frightening. Women should be able to choose who they share their bodies with. Perhaps what PP is frightened of is the pressure/expectation that women have sex outside of committed relationships, even if that’s not they want, as that’s what’s “expected”. There was a thread the other day about a young 20-something woman in a relationship with a young man who wanted to continue to sleep with other women, and she went along with it, despite being monogamous herself. Lots of comments from other PPs about that’s how it is nowadays. This swings the pendulum the opposite direction for younger women, where being in a monogamous relationship is outdated. That is what’s frightening—young women shouldn’t be pressured into open relationships if that’s not what they want.

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I'm not sure any of the women on this thread who have enjoyed flings and ONS would suggest in any way that they should be "expected". If anything, what we're doing is taking back the idea that sex is something a woman "owes" a man in any way – that instead, it is something to be done on your own terms, at a time of your own choosing, with whom you want to do it.

That's what I'll be teaching my daughter: when she has sex, and who she has it with, are entirely her choice. Nobody else gets a say. Not a man, not society, and not me.

BoldAmberDuck · 27/03/2025 11:36

EBearhug · 27/03/2025 07:43

Not everyone feels terrible after with shame.

That’s good but I did

ThatsCute · 27/03/2025 11:40

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 11:23

I'm not sure any of the women on this thread who have enjoyed flings and ONS would suggest in any way that they should be "expected". If anything, what we're doing is taking back the idea that sex is something a woman "owes" a man in any way – that instead, it is something to be done on your own terms, at a time of your own choosing, with whom you want to do it.

That's what I'll be teaching my daughter: when she has sex, and who she has it with, are entirely her choice. Nobody else gets a say. Not a man, not society, and not me.

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I didn’t say it was the women on this thread…I said it was parts of the younger generation pushing non-exclusive (open) relationships…as per the thread I was referencing. That’s what the PP is concerned about.

sammylady37 · 27/03/2025 11:43

There was a thread the other day about a young 20-something woman in a relationship with a young man who wanted to continue to sleep with other women, and she went along with it, despite being monogamous herself

That thread wasn’t about a couple in a relationship. They were having regular casual sex and he was very clear that there was no commitment or exclusivity, it wasn’t a relationship in any shape or form. She was hanging around because he was wealthy with a good career (her aunt, who had started the thread about it, confirmed this was the case). She seemed to think that her continuing to sleep with him and her choosing to be exclusive should prompt him to offer a committed relationship. More fool her, tbh.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/03/2025 11:54

Gambit1977 · 26/03/2025 23:50

If you like being known as a slapper that’s your call but it’s not something you can live down and you lose a lot of decent guys cos you sleep around if you wanna get labelled the town bike carry on with it but its not a label to have no body lets you live it down

I married a decent guy who actually doesn't know how many one night stands I've had because he wouldn't be a decent guy if he would judge a woman based on that or think it's his right to know how many people I have or haven't slept with.

peachgreen · 27/03/2025 11:58

ThatsCute · 27/03/2025 11:40

I didn’t say it was the women on this thread…I said it was parts of the younger generation pushing non-exclusive (open) relationships…as per the thread I was referencing. That’s what the PP is concerned about.

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Sure, but I'm just saying that there's more than one way to tackle that concern than simply pushing a "sex is sacred and for relationships only" narrative. That's certainly what my parents taught me, and it didn't stop me having casual sex, only made me ashamed of wanting it for many years. Thankfully I overcame that internalised misogyny and was able to reclaim sex as something I could choose to do – or not do – as and when I wished.

It's not sex that's bad. It's coercion of any kind. And that can happen inside or outside a relationship. That's what we should be teaching our daughters, that they own their own bodies and nobody else gets to tell them when they should or shouldn't have sex. Whether my daughter chooses to have sex inside a relationship only, or with a different man every night, or not to have sex at all, makes no difference to me – providing she's making her own choices, she's doing so safely, and those choices are bringing her joy.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/03/2025 11:59

SquashedMallow · 27/03/2025 00:17

I do wonder how many of these women that have a calendar of who shags who , would feel comfortable with their daughters behaviour mirroring that? Personally I'm teaching my own daughter that her body is sacred.

I have two daughters and I will teach them that sex is something that they should enjoy and not something that men just do to women. Their body is theirs and they can have sex with 1 men or 100 as long as it is consensual and they are being safe.

Very similar as to what I will teach my son.

ThisPinkBee · 27/03/2025 22:26

I do think a long period being single as an adult is a joy and a privilege. I've learned so much about myself and overcome so many challenges. I see a relationship as not something to complete me (though you do feel you don't want to be without a person when it's right) but a source of fun and companionship. I know I can take care of myself financially, emotionally, mentally. Giving and receiving is spontaneous and I like quiet stability over fireworks.

But I only learned this because of heartache haha. If I hadn't been dumped twice by men I loved 🤷‍♀️

I would ultimately like a relationship - never at expense of sanity though.

NattyNatashia · 29/03/2025 22:00

its not something I’ve done often, but as OP said it was rather unfulfilling, not least as over rather quickly and focused on his needs. I have since used a professional a few times, focused on massage and sensuality without actual sex which is wonderful but a bit pricey to do too often sadly.

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 30/03/2025 09:30

SquashedMallow · 25/03/2025 21:30

Ok. You live in that naive world. I'll let Someone else come along and explain why a woman is vulnerable in a sex with randoms situation, yet a man isn't.

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So what you're really saying is...

I assert this position
I can't justify it
But I hope someone else can

Not an impressive answer really

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 30/03/2025 09:39

I'm in my 40s and never had one. No desire to either.