Autistic women assemble! #4

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

Thread 3:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4979068-autistic-women-assemble-3?reply=136877684

Thread 2:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Thread 1:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

Hi I am quite new to here and I was diagnosed with autism last year at 39 years old. My son is 18 and also autistic, we both have EDS and POTS too which I know are linked.

I was wondering how many of you struggle with friendships? I have a few close ish friendships some I've had for decades, but recently I just feel these friendships are not really fulfilling me or making me happy.

I'm going through a particularly difficult time as have a new job to start but my dbs has taken so long it's still not back so I am currently not working and in limbandand have been since October, and my husband works full time, it really has made me obsess over friendships and who I can count on. I do see a friend or family member or 2 every week but I know all this time alone is so isolating and it really has made me reassess things and the kind of people I need in my life now I have autism as part of my identity.

I would Really love to make new connections with other autistic females, who share similar interests and values. I'm feeling fed up of people who only seem to want to talk about money, vanity, weight or bitch about others! I would love to meet others similar to me who are kind, compassionate, reliable, and love being outdoors, animals, walks, books, yoga, culture and history and learning about the world.

Have any of you made new friendships on this thread or know of anywhere that is good foe that? I've tried the Spoonies app but most are very young and it's not what I thought.

Sorry to bombard your thread!

That's a lot to deal with. Bad enough with that ghastly, selfish man playing his irritating music, but your daughter getting refused PIP as well - I'm not surprised you've had enough.

I hope, since it's been a few days since you posted, that you've had time to rest and gather your thoughts.

Didn't the organiser of the tea group do anything to address that selfish git?

PS - please don't leave the group. You enjoy it. Don't let him drive you out. Just take a break and approach the organiser as they should be dealing with this matter as a 'reasonable adjustment'. That idiot man playing music for his own enjoyment and to the detriment of the group is outside of the purpose of the group.

Hello and welcome.

I'm sorry I can't offer any suggestions for making friends. I am quite careful about who I am friends with, and consequently, I only have a couple of close, trusted friends and a few 'acquaintances'.

I believe that friendship is a two way thing and if the relationship is one-sided, or you're not getting much from the relationship, I would evaluate, probably have an honest conversation (I realise that a lot of people avoid honest conversations so this may not be an option for you) with the friend to talk about what works, what doesn't work, and hopefully agree on some plans to improve the friendship - for example, days out, pursuing a shared interest etc.

I've found the friends that have stuck are those that are either diagnosed autistic or suspect they are, but no advice on how to meet them int he first place. Some came from a group for one of my interests, some were other mums from toddler groups/school.

I don't really have any face to face friends. Just a few favourite workmates scattered across the country and one old friend who keeps ringing me but I haven't actually seen in 20 years. I have never been good at making friends because I haven't been able to fake it.

My laptop came a few days ago. I am having more trouble setting this thing up than any other laptop in 30 years. I think it is cursed. However, at least the rent increase was manageable and all the things I have bought have now arrived so I can begin to relax, no matter how disappointing they actually were when they actually arrived.

Am travelling home to see family on Thursday. I hate travelling. Yay. I don't think I actually like Christmas any more. I am looking forward to some time off though.

If I don't remember to check this thread before Christmas, I hope you all have a decent time that and people are kind to you.

@Chickpeaandme have you contacted any local charities to see if they run any groups or get togethers you might be interested in?

i think I’ve posted before. Apologies if I have. 39yo married with 9 and 7 yo. I seem to swing from being under stimulated and lonely and overstimulated. It’s hard to get the balance right. I can’t even tell if I’m sick with a virus or in complete burn out. I have utter fatigue, sore throat (I can get that when exhausted), aching joints. I’m not depressed but so tired and the usual things around home are a big effort. Have had a big year with my parents health, and my DH has a chronic illness, and working part time and parenting. Any tips on getting through burn out?

I've been in burnout for the last 4 months, its really awful. I couldn't work, sleep or function. The only thing that's been working has been acknowledging my sensory needs and acting on them. Stimming, using fidget toys, rest, weighted blankets, having a comfort item, rest, noise cancelling headphones, saying no to things, rest, embracing new mindful hobbies, getting out into nature every day and rest. I tried mindfulness but find it hard. I have the Balance app which is free for a year which is useful (like Headspace/Calm). Essentially it's about being true to yourself which is hard and takes time. Good luck, I hope you can navigate your way out of it. I had to go the the GP initially and get gave me antidepressants which calmed me and gave me breathing space enough to start to do all of the above.

Thank you. This sucks doesn’t it. Well done for going to the GP and putting your hand up. I’m already on antidepressants, and see a psychologist but I made the appointment for January, which was too big of a gap.

Thank you. Thank you for really understanding it. These are great strategies. I hope the fog clears soon and it’s like a chrysalis for you

Thankyou, it really sucks. I was at breaking point so I had no choice but to go to the GP. I've been keeping it all inside for decades. Can I also recommend Self Care for Autistic People by Dr Megan Anna Neff, it's a really helpful book.
Burnout is exhausting and one of the worst things to happen to me. I hope you can navigate through it too, it sounds like you have alot on your plate, there's no wonder you are in burnout. Kids and parents are hard work, husbands can be too! If you need to vent or look for support then this is a good place.

Hello everyone,

I've recently been diagnosed autistic at 45.

Initially I felt like I was grieving. I'd always thought I was just a bit crap at being a human, but that if I tried harder I'd get better. Finding out it was hard-wired into me was a blow because I then felt like I couldn't change, and I was devastated for quite a while.

After a while though, I decided to lean into my autistic traits instead of hiding them and forcing myself to try and be 'normal'. That has proved to be sooooo liberating!

I haven’t read it fully but probably another autism bashing thread just from the title https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5239019-autism-diagnosis-in-adulthood-why

Hope everyone had a good Christmas 🎄

Mumsnet have removed it. There seems to have been a spate of anti-autism threads over Christmas as usual. People saying how indulgent and selfish it is for autistic people not to have a hellish Christmas in order to conform to NT people's preferences (like they have to on every other day of the year... the irony is completely lost on many, apparently).

Maybe the trolls are bored so all come out to play. Or maybe when this particularly empathy-deficient type of NTs have got drunk enough they can't restrain themselves from posting their real, dehumanising views of us on the internet. Even when they are talking about autistic children. It's good to see Mumsnet finally deleting some of it now but still nowhere near enough.

This was another "lovely" one. The OP made one post then vanished so as with many of them it appears a deliberate attempt tp attack autistic people just for fun, not any genuine attempt to discuss things or seek advice. Yet of course many other posters relished the opportunity to make ignorant and ridiculous comments as well due to having less self-awareness than the average slug.

All the talk about "needing to learn manners" without any thought of who invented the "manners" that everyone apparently must conform with and for whose benefit they were designed.

And the usual "just force them to pretend they are NT and punish them if they can't". Christmas spirit, eh? 🤣

To cancel Christmas for all future years? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5237825-to-cancel-christmas-for-all-future-years

Happy New Year 🥳

Happy New Year! I hope everyone has a happy and low stress 2025. 🎉

How is everyone?

I am dreading going back to work but trying to enjoy the last little bit of time with my children in our bubble of peace.

It's so nice that at this time of year there are no emails, calls, people just leave you alone. Even with annual leave it seems to be the only time of year this can be achieved and it's bliss. If only it was slightly longer, so offered some respite without the looming doom of it all starting again. 🤣

Hello! And welcome to the thread. 😊

Happy New Year everyone.
I agree with your whole post @Nepmarthiturn
I have an occupational health appointment at 9am on Monday morning. It's about a chronic blood disorder I have, but my manager wants me to talk about being autistic too. I'm in two minds. I don't think being autistic is a health issue and I don't have time off because I'm autistic. I've had time off because I'm unable to stay awake, concentrate, drive, or on some days even stand because of having crappy blood.

That sounds hard @VivienneDelacroix .

Do you have any adjustments with work to mane your autism easier to manage, or are there any that could help you?

IME occupational health so usually want a full picture of your medical history so I expect you'd need to at least mention the autism just for disclosure purposes however, you can be clear that it doesn't impact or interact with your illness so isn't relevant to the purpose if this OH review. You can also request a copy if the report prior to it going to your employer so when you review it you can check OH has understood the situation properly and not misrepresented the situation.

Sorry to hear you've been so unwell. I hope the appointment goes ok.

How did it go @VivienneDelacroix ?

It's this coming Monday. Thank you so much for asking.
Im really not looking forward to it. (Or going back to work in general!).
I don't currently have any reasonable adjustments in place, I'm not sure what I would need honestly. Everyone I work with knows I am autistic and are all very helpful and understanding. (I work in the mental health field with psychologists and therapists).

Oh that must help, to have colleagues who (I hope!) have some knowledge about autism so would make things manageable without you having to specifically request adjustments.

I totally understand. I was very unwell with a relapse in ME caused by Covid and had OH involved. They were quite helpful though, and recommended a phased return. It's just not nice having to speak to a stranger about personal medical information. Having that on top of the return from Christmas is not ideal!! I hope you feel more relaxed once the appointment is over.

I am dreading going back. My children are already so stressed at the prospect. Our bubble is about to pop. I'm snowed under at work and really need to get on top if it this week as I have deadlines coming up, I still haven't been able to get on top of the house, and I'm drowning in forms for my children's EHCP assessments and an ADHD assessment for one of them and forms from the educational psychologist to fill in, and forms to fill in for them for CAMHS. I don't understand when I'm possibly meant to do it all?! Life feels so unmanageable a lot of the time. Been procrastinating looking at summer holidays to try to cheer myself up but they all seem to be £££, triple the cost of just a few years ago. 😫

Thank you @Nepmarthiturn .
I know how you feel with all of the SEN admin. My daughter's EHCP was finalised last term and we've secured her a place in an SSC for when she starts secondary in September. But my 15 year old's EHCNA is due this term, and we really need it before his GCSEs.
There's just so much paperwork isn't there. And the ongoing fight. Look after yourself. It's exhausting and my DH just sits back because I understand it all from a professional perspective.

Happy New Year all!

I have my final appointment for my autism assessment coming up. If there's a diagnosis I will be told about it, obviously I will also be told if there's no diagnosis.

I was chatting to my DH about my feelings around this and asked him for his thoughts. He said something like "if you're autistic it's very mild".

Now, I get what he means, I work, I have a family, I participate in society with supports that often only him and I see. But it doesn't always feel particularly "mild" to me.

Adulthood has brought a lot of autonomy, which I use well to cater to my need for low stimulation environments, plenty of down time, saying "no" to anything too people heavy, I've created routines that allow me to thrive, I don't put pressure on myself to do the things that cause me distress or fit in with the norm. My DH supports me in this.

BUT childhood and teenage years were very different. My family of origin had very specific views of what my life should look like and these were heavily reinforced. I don't want to go into a lot of depth on this aspect, but my MH was horrific for about 15 years.

And so I'm just struggling with the holding of it as "mild". I know what he's saying, I went to a mainstream school, I mask heavily and so the vast majority of people are completely oblivious to the things I struggle with, but I do struggle with them, and they nearly killed me when I was a teenager.

How can I explain this to him? He's compassionate and open minded, just a bit lacking in understanding. Is there something he could read or listen to?

How is everyone coping with the snow?