Autistic women assemble! #4

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

Thread 3:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4979068-autistic-women-assemble-3?reply=136877684

Thread 2:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Thread 1:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

Lovely photos @TheShellBeach

I love cats!!!!

Welcome back @Nepmarthiturn

Awww so cute! Linney in love. 😁❤️

Thank you @Clarice99 . Will try to keep up!

I’m always up for cat photos lol

Lovely kittos getting to know each other!

Here's my boy flopped on the floor as it's all just too hot for him at the minute.

It must be hard wearing a fur coat in this weather!

He's gorgeous @RainbowZebraWarrior

He has lovely blue eyes, Rainbow.

Hello all, I'd love to join. DH is ASD (very lucky - given the decade - to be diagnosed age 22) and I have gradually realised its me too. A family member is training in psychotherapy and said they thought I might be (no shade) and I agree. Since then I've done as many unofficial tests as I can, but honestly I feel like its clear as day that I'm autistic now. The more I read the more I relate and make sense of my entire life. Social anxiety, excessive rumination, fixations, sleep issues, general anxiety and moderate depression, not knowing what to do with my face and body in conversations, watching and 'stealing' popular and successful people's character traits to use myself, as I've no idea what's appealing or how to be, masking, gawd - no wonder I am so tired. And have now realised how many burnout moments I've had (and meltdowns I've hidden due to extreme shame).

Anyhoo, glad this thread exists! I'm finding my ASD particularly challenging as a new mum of 1 (DS aged 15 months). He is a delight but full on. Chances are he'll also be ASD (we are equipped to help him at least!). But I feel like I'm more overstimulated than ever before, the sleep issues are profoundly affected, and I'm finding myself melting down way more than usual in the last year (again in private as I cannot stand any attention or worry or fear or shame thrown at me over them). Parenting is challenging for everyone, but I think it's extremely challenging for neurodiverse folk. Hence we are 'one and done'. Love the socks off him, but my MH would tank beyond repair if I had any more kids.

Long intro, but hi, hello and hurray for the person who created this little corner of Mumsnet. I know zero other ND parents. Not any who've realised they are anyway!

Checking in to the new thread (thank you).
I lurk on the threads but don't think I've posted since my introduction post. Hello!

Hi everyone.

I was wondering if I could join in? Like many people, seeing similarities in my daughter's struggles (who is currently awaiting assessment) with my own has raised the question of autism for me too.

I got a score of 34 on an online AQ50, but I do struggle to answer some online autism tests.

Do I prefer to do thing by myself? I hate groups of people but I am very happy spending time with my husband or kids. I really dislike people unexpectedly calling in to my house.

Socially, I have been known to walk into dinner parties, been surprised at how many people were there and walk straight back out again. I tend to spend time at the zoo or museum walking away from the crowded exhibits and like to go to things early in the morning when they first open and are quieter.

Can't stand the post office, and im not sure why. I think i don't really understand what they expect of me in there. Loathe shopping. Do everything online.

I do think I conform less to societal pressure than others, I don't really get trends or "keeping up with the Jonses". All seems a bit bizarre.

Eye contact? A strange one. I work in a role that involves making connections with people one on one, and my training focused on the importance of eye contact so I put intention into doing this in work. Outside of work I'm aware I find it difficult, especially if I'm feeling awkward or nervous.

No sensory issues around food, but loathe overlapping sounds, two people talking to me at once, being spoken to while I'm listening to the radio. Makes me want to scream. I get photosensitive migraines if lights are too bright. I have a few rules around clothes. Can't stand polyester dresses, tight cuffs or rough seams or labels.

I have a long established habit of hair twirling that I do engage in a lot.

I am aware I monologue at times, and I am now intentional about asking people how they are, what their plans are for the summer/weekend etc, but lots of times I forget to do this.

I have some wonderful hobbies that I really enjoy. Reading, gardening, certain pets. As a teenager I was obsessed with reading, literally did it for hours and hours late into the night, to the point that my homework didn't get done (didn't really care about the consequences) and I got very little sleep.

I don't currently have anxiety (maybe social anxiety, I don't know?) or depression, but I was very depressef during my teenage years.

I was a high performing student in school although I put very little effort into studying. However, the combination of little sleep, not completing homework teenage MH issues and falling in with a bad crowd led me to drop out of school early.

My GP has asked me to write down the reasons I suspect autism. I assume he will then decide whether or not an onward referral is appropriate.

Do I include the things I've mentioned in this post? Are there any other aspects of things I would need to include that I haven't considered?

No sensory issues around food, but loathe overlapping sounds, two people talking to me at once, being spoken to while I'm listening to the radio. Makes me want to scream

OMG @LongWetSummer I'm exactly the same.

I turn the radio off (or the telly) so there aren't two competing sounds.

A lot of what you've written in your post resonates with me.

Welcome to the thread @MaculataO and welcome back @VivienneDelacroix

We're just heading out to an early hospital appointment 100 miles away.
I'll respond better to people when I've got more time.

But it's lovely to see both old and new faces.

Hello Everyone, thank you for the thread and your openness. MaculatoO your list of traits is splendid, gave me several 'light bulb' moments. Especially the trying on of other people's personas. I am 74. I have always known I struggle with things other people find easy and have worked hard in my life to 'fit in'. I didn't realise I was 'masking'. In my day autism was hardly known about. When my DD was born I realised that I needed to work very hard to help her not grow up with my 'character defects', make sure she had friends and so on, model normality. Which I did. Thankfully she was born with high level social skills and is not autistic.

I self diagnosed as autistic around 3 or 4 years ago. I did a couple of online tests. Didn't score highly but within the range. What a relief! I had an explanation for all the things I thought were 'wrong' with me, and my younger life. I see no benefit in getting a formal diagnosis even if that were possible. I tried telling a very few close friends but this did not go well. I realised that my masking has been so successful that they have no idea what goes on in my head.

I find the masking more difficult with age, feel that my filters are degrading. I think I am just tired of it all. I have some hearing loss and struggle with this in many situations so that is an extra level of difficulty to contend with. I have started a process of trying to be more 'real', let out the real me. The results often remind me of why I 'mask' so I am being cautious.

I found the YouTube channel 'Autism from the inside' very helpful, including all the comments. There are lots of channels about Autism, the quality varies.

The knowledgehas helped me significantly, as often I find myself in situations and think 'this is the autism' and it helps me detach and manage things better.

I am very lucky, I have got through the working and child rearing years. I have a good life. I have a very understanding husband, himself undiagnosed and can organise my life as I wish.

In some situations my autistic traits and extreme introversion are a strength and a benefit and I think of them as a superpower.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last posted, there’s a whole new thread and everything! I think the last time I posted I’d just started my bootcamp. Bootcamp is done and dusted, I really enjoyed it apart from a few hiccups with other people (the main gripe being people not doing any work when pair programming or on group projects).

I’ve landed my absolute dream job in terms of what I’ll be doing (software engineering but I’ll be moving around different teams so I get to work with different tech every few months). The benefits and extras are great and I only have to go in 10 days a month the rest is WFH. The people are so nice and they know I’m ND and have been really supportive, even going so far as getting people in to do a company-wide talk on neurodiversity, and all before I even start (in a few weeks).

So that side of things is going really well, I’m excited but also so nervous about messing it all up because it’s quite literally perfect. Then there’s DD, everything is all up in the air with her again thanks to a lack of support yet again. She’s been so screwed over by her college that it’s brought up all her past trauma and made her spiral and hate education again. It sucks because she had 2 unconditional offers for the degree she wanted and she’s decided she can’t cope with uni, that she hates education again and is on a massive downer about her whole life.

I would include all of that @LongWetSummer and also printouts of your AQ score (and any other tests). That’s what I did with my GP, I imagine the more ‘evidence’ to explain why you feel you need an assessment the better.

Also the eye contact, I can force myself to make eye contact for a few seconds, then I look at the bridge of the nose so the other person thinks I’m maintaining eye contact. It’s not so much whether you can do it but whether it comes naturally to you. I think that goes across the board with a lot of things, especially as adults, yes we can do XYZ but it’s not natural we have to really think about it/rehearse a script/play a character etc whereas NT adults can just do XYZ without much effort.

@invisibleoldwoman @LongWetSummer Hi you both sound a lot like me too. I'm 60, and finding I have less energy for the masking, or it may be I am just running out of fucks to give and am caring less about being judged. Or as I no longer go out to work, maybe I am just becoming de-skilled in the social department.

Either way, at first it was frightening, because I kept on trying. Joining classes, feeling a failure when I didn't enjoy them, and didn't 'click' with the group. But then I thought, bollocks to this, if I want to learn something there's the internet, and it's free. Now, I've stopped 'making the effort' and accepted I am actually quite happy without friends, and don't care what anyone else thinks about this, and am much more content with my life. Mostly just me, DH and the dog.

Hi all

came back from 2 weeks in Greece yesterday. I knew I was tired before the holiday but it was only after we were there a few days that I read how tired I’d been!

Got to the airport an hour early yesterday (dh was panicking). It was heaving, our plane was delayed, the airport was noisy, bright and utterly overstimulating. Previously I’d have pushed on, forcing myself to cope until I broke down but yesterday I simply told the fam that I was overstimulated and to not speak to me, plugged in my noise cancelling headband ordered a gin 🤣

Back at work this morning, survived the day then had a short run, trying to find my running mojo. I’ve got a few friends that I often run with who embrace me, quirks and all.

Thank you for the welcome, and thank you @RainbowZebraWarrior for the info and links on Right to choose, that was really helpful.

I know this may sound bizarre but I'm hoping to be able to get an in person assessment done, rather than online. I find it very hard to read people and understand them without being in their physical presence, if that makes sense? It's almost like I need to read their aura / energy if that's what it's called!

I'm in Kent and if possible I'd like to have my assessment with Psicon, they assessed my daughter and we thought they were very good. One of the female Drs in particular just "got it" with everything I spoke about with dd and the info I had
to give about myself too. Thankfully it seems there's more understanding of the female presentation of Autism now than there used to be.

Dd has a friend coming over tomorrow and I'm anxious and embarrassed about how messy our house is! I don't really like people coming round / into my safe space, but I force myself for dd so she can have as "normal" a social life and friendships as possible!

Psicon are currently doing my DDs ADHD assessment.

I'm joining. Self-diagnosed and wasn't sure about going for formal diagnosis so it's really interesting to read people's stories. I think I'm ADHD, too.

Lots of what @LongWetSummer has said resonates; I really don't like two people talking to me at once or someone talking to me while I'm watching something. I've always struggled with eye contact. I have hyper focuses that don't last long, but I always want to buy all the things in that time!

I monologue, have to consciously remind myself to ask other people questions and make small talk. I always suffered from depression, struggled with friendships, I get annoyed if people do things "wrong", like cycling on the pedestrian side of the pavement. I interrupt people to tell them facts I know about things even if it's nothing to do with what they're saying (eg. someone holding a banana will get my fab banana fact even if they're talking about the traffic or something).

All still quite new and recent realisations/links so I will enjoy reading your experiences and think about going for my own diagnosis.

I wonder if my son has some autistic traits but he's still quite young so I'm keeping it to myself for now.

Can I ask a question? I have a diagnosis of adhd and during the diagnosis they said unofficially I ticked a lot of boxes for ASD. If I am invited out, even by friends, I accept and then I panic and dread it and don’t want to go, to the point of crying. It has to be somewhere I am familiar with or people I am used to or preferably both! Is this an ASD thing? Also, when I am more stressed in life the level
of sensory overwhelm I experience is insane! Like the barrier between me and sound falls down and everything hurts me on a level I can’t explain.
doea anyone feel like this? I feel like such an outlier at times

Hi @SuziLikeSuziQ welcome to the thread. Language is important and I hope you don't mind me pointing out that you can't 'self-diagnose'. A diagnosis can only be given by someone qualified to do so. You can self-identify however.

A lot of us have struggled to get a diagnosis, so it's really important to recognise the difference.

It's common for people to be autistic and have ADHD. I am one of those people. I had my autism assessment and diagnosis first, then after a few years during which time I was mentally unwell and incorrectly diagnosed with depression and medicated for depression which made me much worse I had an assessment and diagnosis for ADHD.

Your struggles with being invited out, panicking, crying etc, I am the same. Or I should say 'I was the same'. I'm around 10 years post diagnosis and I do not accept invitations that I know will cause me stress/anxiety/meltdown. I just say thanks, but no thanks. If people don't like that, too bad.

Sensory issues are a large part of my life unfortunately. But again, post diagnosis, I made changes. I'm much kinder to myself, I recognise 'triggers' and situations that may cause sensory overwhelm and I try to manage these situations as best I can. Sometimes it's not always possible, but I will plan accordingly to allow myself downtime the day after. For example, I work from home and if I have to go into the office for a meeting or a training event, I will book the following day off work and do something I enjoy, or I will work but make sure that I have no online meetings.

Self management is vital to navigate the NT world.

There is research to indicate that those that self diagnose with autism are almost always found to be autistic by a qualified practitioner. For a lot of us the road to a formal diagnosis is simply too long so we don’t follow it but the lack of formal diagnosis makes no difference to our difficulties through life.

@SuziLikeSuziQ There are several of us on this thread without a formal diagnosis and I’ve been assured that we are still very welcome.

Yes !! I've had issues with friends since childhood.

Diagnosed in my 50 s. ,now 66

I have an autistic daughter,autistic brother and autistic nephew.

Used to always find making friends with boys much easier.