Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

I wouldn't be able to report to SS. I would try to at least have a gentle talk with her first.

Also people have misunderstood: there's no shit on the beds. Just stuff.

Oh no you messed up your booking and you booked a day early and you don’t want to loose the money. Or you booked an activity really early by accident and have to go… something just anything!

.

see if you can get into your Travelodge a night early and say you've just received a notification that your room is ready to check in from 5pm and say you didn't realise you had booked two nights.

Oh no! I've had this before with a friend who had MH issues...hair in the butter (like clumps!) 😱and she kept talking about how she kept having gastro.

I stuck it out and came away with a verruca (presumably from the shower) that I shit you not, took 3 years to get rid of.

It sounds nasty to leave but I can see why you want to.

Sounds like mil's house. I've been ill while staying there twice, we don't go round any more and our kids have never been there. I wouldn't risk it personally.

Mil knows full well why we dont come because we've told her, but she said she can live however she likes and she won't change

You need 'an emergency'

And please report to SS & RSPCA

Like previous posters have said, it’s not fair on the children to be brought up in an environment like that.

I would talk to her after the carvery, when it is just the 2 of you. If you can’t get her alone, make up an emergency and leave, then call her later. Say you are worried about her and the kids, that it is not fair on her or them to live like this.

Does she have a diagnosis of depression? Taking medicine? She needs help, see a GP, tell them she is not coping. Once she acknowledges that there is a problem, she can work on it. What is her husband’s position on all this? Is he blind to it all? I don’t know what help SS would be, would they offer practical help? But if she doesn’t see it as a problem or refuses to do anything about it I would definitely call SS.

I wouldn't stay there but I think if it was my friend I would try to have an honest but gentle conversation with her. Tell her things have gotten out of hand and find out if she's perhaps just overwhelmed or genuinely doesn't see the issue. It's obviously not ok for her kids or pets to be living in these conditions but if you really value the friendship you could see if there's anything you can do to help her get things sorted. I agree that a report may be necessary if she's unwilling to change things but she may just need a little extra support to get on top of things.

I second this
I have a friend who's house is a health hazard
I mean rotting food on the side,dirty clothes everywhere,files flying everywhere,dirt an inch thick and maggots crawling in the dogs food bowl (she's never washed it out in the 8 years she's had him,she just puts his fresh food on top)
I walk out and can smell her house on me for days even though I come home to shower and put my clothes in the wash
(I have called the rspca but they didn't even bother coming out-hes been fed so there's no problem)

to be honest id be leaving and telling her the truth. yes it may ruin the friendship but those poor children! no one should think this is normal and its not right.

Id also be reporting to social services, she needs help.

God just make up some random excuse and leave

Who cares

So, your final destination is only 3.5 hours drive from where you live? You surely have no need of an overnight stop in that case? Have a meal out together with the friend for a catch up, then just continue to your destination.
Just tell her that you won't be needing to stay over because you're not travelling very far.

I meant DH is on it as in he was looking at hotels for me. He’s in his office at home, I’m trying to keep track of 3 children while out and talk to my friend. Easier for him to look and book things without a toddler hanging off him and trying to run off (napping in the pushchair now, at last!)

I’ve told her that I fucked up and booked our destination hotel for the wrong date, I’ve booked it from tonight instead. She was disappointed but understood.

We couldn’t actually book an extra night where we are heading, so Dh has booked us a cheap hotel nearby to it. It’s only a 2 hour drive from here, I don’t mind.

Also, do you know it’s impossible to stop a toddler from loudly asking why things are so messy and, “mummy, it smells, mummy, is that cat Poo?”

Without trying to generalise, on paper you wouldn’t think they would live in this state. They are both medical professionals, Doctors,
and no, he’s not left her, he currently works in a hospital in another city so has to stay nearby a couple of nights a week when he’s on call.

Also why a medical excuse wouldn’t wash!

They are both friends of mine on SM, lots of photos of lovely holidays etc. it’s not a tiny house either, it would be gorgeous if it wasn’t in this state and it’s in a beautiful place. They are all impeccably turned out today too while me and my children look like Steptoe in comparison. Christ knows how. To look at them, you would never guess they lived in such a state.

We’ve spent the morning at play place near them, then we will go straight out to eat and then leave.

Yes, honesty is the best policy. BUT, I am here with my children and you never know if someone will get upset or angry. These few days away are a huge treat for my children, I don’t want to sour it in any way. I don’t want any potential conflict or upset in front of them. You never know how someone will react.

I will broach it afterwards though.

I’d been to their house many times when we all lived in the same area, no this house, their old one. yes, it was untidy as they both worked so much, but not like this at all. Her dh has always stayed away for work, they didn’t move around when he was training/working in different hospitals due to her work, so it’s not a new thing for them.

She’s not changed the way she is, or spoken of any depression to me, although I appreciate that not everyone does.

No of course not, but in an ideal world, it would have been nice to stay over for the older children to catch up.

Crisis averted, well done Op.

Honestly I wouldn't broach this with your friend at all. What's the point?

Can you try talking to the husband instead?

They are both medical professionals, Doctors

Wow, you’d think they were well-versed in hygiene standards!

This. Try talking to her and if that doesn’t work, then call social services. She genuinely might not know how bad it is or need someone to gently point things out before something drastic happens. Give her a chance at least.

This. As you can’t do the fake cat allergy.

See you got it sorted, ( phone keeps freezing) great idea OP.
No idea why people live like that.

I really would not contact SS. That is a step too far. You said yourself that the children are clean and well dressed. They are both doctors for goodness sake.

Tell a fib abiut an allergy, find elsewhere to stay.

nonsense. neglect is neglect. It is irrelevant what their jobs are- they are harming their children.

And in fact, it is often because parents appear to have respectable jobs that children are missed and fall through the gaps.