Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

Please don't make 'mess and untidiness' a reason for leaving op. The real issue is the dirt, unemptied litter trays, mould etc - things that are a danger to health.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here

Maybe after lunch just tell her thanks for the kind offer, but although you’re really enjoying spending the day with her and the children, you’re not going to stay overnight with her, because you can see having visitors will make life very difficult for her, so you’ve had a rethink and got dh to book you and the kids into a Premier Inn tonight.

Agree with pp saying you need to be honest. Tell her you’re worried about her and this is no way to live. You not staying there could be the wake up call she needs.

Definitely don't stay there. Two hours isn't too bad, just head to your original destination.

The friendship is going to die a death if she takes offence at you making up cat allergies when she knows full well you have cats, so you might as well bite the bullet and try to help her.

I'd frame it terms PP have suggested: taking her aside when the kids are playing and asking her gently if everything's OK, because you know she wouldn't normally risk her kids stepping in cat shit, etc. She probably knows it's quite bad - not as bad as you know it is - but if she's struggling with depression or something else, starting will just feel overwhelming. This conversation might be the chance for her to admit something she hasn't previously been able to.

Although, obviously, if she's all cheery and 'Ha ha, a bit of dirt never hurt anyone!' ignore the above and suggest a picnic in the garden.

You have to be honest with her. One of my siblings is the same, I ran out of excuses not to eat there or sleep there, they were highly offended and said they actually clean before people call, so if it's like that after cleaning I can imagine what it was like before. Sometimes people need to be told the truth as they can be thinking it's not that bad.

You have to leave, and report. SS will be interested as it's not just a "dirty house", there are serious health risks.

I used to have a job where I had to visit people in their homes, I went to a house like this and stupidly accepted a glass of water.

I was ill for SIX WEEKS. The GP asked if I'd been abroad and caught a weird bug. When it clicked in my brain and I told them I'd been to a filthy house, they said that would be what caused it.

Please don't stay there!

Leave. Don't lie though, tell her straight how dirty it is.

Oh goodness- this is a serious child protection issue. You need to phone social work immediately. I have seen cases like this where the children have been removed immediately until a plan is in place- it is neglect.
I also would be reluctant to say too much until social services arrive to see the true condition.

You haven't seen this woman for years. Perhaps you text and call daily, but I'm assuming she's no longer a close and active friend. I think it is worth risking the friendship to say that you can't stay here becaues the house is not sanitary and ask her if she's struggling. I don't believe that anyone lives in this level of filth without knowing it's a problem but perhaps they keep telling themselves it's not as bad as it seems perhaps becuase it's part of a much bigger problem.

oh they do- if it is how they grew up themselves or if they have low cognitive abilities. Happens much more frequently than people realise.

A house that's as dirty as the OP says is absolutely neglect.

I meant after leaving

yes, absolutely. It causes significant long term harm to children and is taken seriously.

Nope! I wouldn’t be able to do it! I was just getting stressed because I need to hoover and mop the floors and put some washing away, which is neatly folded in a basket. I know people live different lives and have different priorities but this isn’t fair on her own children. I’d have to say something - ask if everything is ok? She might be genuinely struggling with things.

I couldn’t stay either. Maybe suggest lunch out, and then move on. If you don’t want to say anything about the filth ( not mess) don’t at this point. Make an excuse. I think I’d have to say something/ or message if easier afterwards given all you have seen.

You're only two hours from home - I would take them for a meal and then go. I wouldn't stay somewhere like that and I certainly wouldn't let my child stay there.

Here are your options

1. Have an honest and sympathetic conversation about it and offer to help her or ask if there’s anyone who can. She has obviously been living like this for long enough she doesn’t notice it any more. And or:
2. snap photos now to show to social services later because that is neglect and she obviously hasn’t sought help for it
3. stage an emergency which means you need to leave
4. be honest about why you need to leave

Please tell her the truth. She needs to hear it. She's mentally ill and needs help but she won't get that until someone she cares about, points it out to her

What a pp said, by staying you know it’ll be difficult for her and don’t expect her to sleep on sofa- you’ll book a hotel/whatever.
She clearly needs help OP. If I did stay it would be to clean (and I couldn’t stay with shit about the place). I’d be wretching.

Is her husband definitely away with work? he also has some responsibility here.

If she is a true friend I would be tempted to broach the subject and then roll my sleeves up and try and help her clean up a bit though this would be a lot more difficult to do if you have children with you. I used to work in a cattery so I wouldn't be squeamish about sorting those litter trays but I realise not everyone could or would want to do that .

That only works to some degree. It is the sustaining it without ongoing support which is usually the challenge. There is definitely a need of referral to SS for a proper assessment of what is going on.

I think I would have to speak gently with her or her husband. She sounds deeply unwell. And ofc you can't stay there.

I agree with @SantaBarbaraMonica and others who suggest that you talk to her about whats going on.

I also thought that perhaps her marriage has broken up and everything is falling apart. Whatever is happening, something is clearly amiss and she is not coping.

Hard as it is, I would also consider alerting social services.