Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

I think she must be quite unwell if she doesnt realise how filthy and unhygienic her house is. Seriously, surely someone in her family would intervene,what about her DH?

I wouldn't lie and agree I'd report to SS.

That’s grim. There’s no way I’d stay either. I’d make something up, the neighbour feeding your cats has msgd to say you’ve got a small leak under the kitchen sink and whilst she’d love to sort it out for you she’s going out this afternoon.

I'm betting if the litter trays are in a state the cats are pissing and shitting elsewhere too. They don't like using dirty trays. Who would! Especially if there are multiple

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here

Please don’t feel awful about not staying there. This is probably the wake up call she may need. Mental health issues aside, it’s a hazardous living condition and needs reporting for the sake of her children, herself and the animals.

If it’s really as bad as you say it is, I would have to risk her friendship. I would tell her very gently the truth and say you can’t stay in the house and does she realise how bad it has got. Tell her you care for her and her children so much it would be disingenuous to pretend otherwise as you think she needs some help with it. Offer lunch out and spend the day together if she wants to but book into a travel lodge. It could break your friendship but when something is that big an issue it cannot be a true friendship if you lie and allow her to carry on living like that without offering help/support. If she wants help you could find local organisations who might come in to clear piles of rubbish etc.

Easier said then done when you are at the house with your children and her children..

Oh god, I had a similar episode though not quite as bad. My friend doesn't see it. Has a beautiful house in a gorgeous area but it's minging. She does clean the sheets so we did stay one night and managed but I could barely cope with the bathroom and my son struggled.

There was a toy in the bath and the bath mat and toy were covered in black mould and there was poo on the carpet. 🤢

I just didn't think. She lived near me before and we'd just go for a couple hours and it was ok. I don't know how I'll see her now because I can't stay there and she'll be offended if I book a hotel.

Good luck!

Yes, not actual shit on the bed, sorry!

Just a heap of mess. Clothes, books, toys.

Can you sit her down and talk to her. It could be the end of your friendship but she needs help. I’d take them out for carvery and then go to park with a coffee and say you need to speak to her about something difficult while kids play out of earshot. Say you were shocked at the house and hygiene to a dangerous level. Ask what’s going on and what you can do to help. End by saying you’re so sorry to add to her stress and upset but you can’t stay with your child at her house as it’s not safe and is too uncomfortably smelly and dirty so you’re going to head on that night to destination. But tell her that she’s not alone in losing control of hygiene and liveable levels of cleanliness but she needs to address it for herself and her kids. And you will support her where you can.

She might tell you to go fuck yourself but it’s the right thing to do.

I agree with those who say whatever you choose to do you shouldn't ignore the fact children live in that state. It needs reporting because she needs help or support getting things under control for the sake of her children's health.

To be honest, I know everyone is saying make an excuse, but I think I'd have to tell the truth. Sometimes people don't realise how bad things have got until they see things through other people's eyes.

She has kids. You need to let her know that it's not okay to let them grow up like that.

You might lose her as a friend because of it, but at least you know you've said something, and it will at least have planted a seed in her head.

Make up an excuse and leave, emergency at home (get DH to ring so she can hear some of the conversation) or the friends you are going to need you there this evening for something. Go out for lunch say how great it was to see her and leave.

Honesty is not always the best policy!

Totally agree with this. No excuses. For the sake of her kids she needs someone to tell her how bad her house is.

A convenient vomit in the bushes is a good shout and you cannot risk spreading germs ,so you need to leave!
SS will not be interested in a dirty house . Their caseload high enough already . A dirty house doesn’t = neglect/ abuse !

Oh dear. Take them out for dinner, feign a cat allergy and head towards a Premier Inn.

Is her DH really away for work for a few days or has he left? Or does he also tolerate the mess?

If you think it's a health hazard report to SS.

He probably tolerates it too. When you live like that’s, you don’t see it.

I’d just be honest and tell her you can’t stay over as the mess is stressing you out. I couldn’t stay somewhere that’s like that either.

mess and untidiness makes my anxiety worse than it is.

I'd just tell her. It's not like you see her regularly so no big loss if she tells you to get lost.
You're clearly not set up for visitors and I'm afraid can't let thechildren sleep in a house with mould and faces, so we're going to stay in a hotel.

This, op. I'd risk the friendship in the hope it makes a difference.

Take her aside and say I'm sorry but we can't stay here. The house is unclean, the kitchen is a state, the bedrooms are cluttered. You and the kids deserve better than living in this state and my kids aren't going to.

Is there any way to talk to her? I know everyone is different but I'd speak to them about it.
Something along the lines of "hey, what's going on? You know this isn't a healthy way to live. Do you need some help?"
And add that it's not a safe environment and you can't stay there.

I know someone who lives like this and they do seem to be constantly doing housework it's just the sheer amount of stuff means she can't clean. She's immune to the state of it but as much as I value her as a friend I can't even bring myself to have a cup of tea there and I'm not exactly Mrs Clean and Tidy. I've offered to help her sort it out to a manageable level but she doesn't want me to and she's happy how it is. We just meet elsewhere.

You can either decide to risk your friendship and be honest or claim an emergency and leave after lunch. I wouldn't stay either.

Just book a hotel. Sod her feelings. She didn't care much about yours.