Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

This is disgusting. How can people not know that they're living in filth? The cheek of inviting someone to stay as well.

Because they don't know any different, or they are completely disengaged with life.

Yeah I would make an excuse to leave OP...and pray that she doesn't use Mumsnet...

I mean, you'd need serious levels of cognitive impairment not to be able to see filth. Even my cats like a clean litter tray and spiders clean and tidy their own webs.

I was viewing some houses recently. Let's just say several were incredibly messy and cluttered. No catshit but every surface was heaped with junk: clothes, knickknacks, old papers. This was clearly normal for them. They didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary.

I visit houses like this abd it beggars belief. When you're exposing yourself and your children to disease and harm, I just don't know what they're thinking. My house isn't an operating theatre and I have pets, nd, depression etc., but that's no excuse to achieve even minimum levels.

I'd just be honest.

Oh poor you. Problem is, if you DO stay, the smell will stick to your clothes and possessions. You will be smelling it all week 🤢

So you went to their home previously and it was just a bit untidy?

I think I'd look at how she would have responded in the past if she'd come to your house and found it like that.

Not sure what you mean by ‘DH is on it back home’?

Can you make up some emergency reason why you need to go home to him, but just drive to your destination this afternoon and book in a Premier Inn?

@SandysMam finally a sensible answer!

I don't think you can lie here. I know she's a friend but it sounds desperately like she needs a wake up call. If there is shit (cat or human?!) in the bed that is not something anyone can deny. Show her it if necessary. And definitely call social services.

You might end up both losing a friendship but she sounds like she needs help and that might be worth more in the end.

Or the papers don't pick it up

"Look, you know I'm not a clean freak or a snob but don't you find it hard to live with flies/ cat poo/ actual dirt on the sofas (etc) and stuff everywhere? Do you need a bit of help sorting it out, as it seems to have gotten pretty bad, and it makes life so much easier when you've got a bit of space. Plus you might not realise that there is a really strong smell. I'm not going to stay tonight as we are worried about stepping in poo. But I'm not judging, just wondering if you should prioritise getting all this sorted for your own health? "

Maybe something like that, blunt but mildly sympathetic? Depends on her personality and situation though. Is the DH normally there?

Do what it takes to get out of there and then travel to your destination. Please call social services as her children shouldn’t have to live like this and she clearly needs support.

Take them out for the carvery as thank you. Text DH and get him to phone you with a family emergency so you have to leave with DC immediately after the meal. Then find a Travel Lodge or Premier Inn.

I think initially just use your toddler as the excuse, you can’t stay there as s/he’s into everything and there are too many dangerous things lying around for him/her to choke on. You’ve decided to just keep travelling on to your destination, been great catching up. I think she’ll know what you mean, might even make her open up and you can then maybe have a frank chat that it isn’t acceptable with kids in house.

I feel ill just reading that. Something will have to happen to your husband. Can he fake twist his ankle or something that requires an afternoon of A&E? Run back, OP!!!

You could say asthma? You don't need to mention dirt or dust specifically.
It's quite weird that it's that bad and she happily let you stay?! I hope she's alright and not badly struggling. I guess now's not the time to ask.
Could you take her out for a day and nice meal, and say your so grateful but you'll just get a hotel as the kids have asthma etc.

Her mental health issues are not your responsibility OP.

Just leave (any excuse eg toddler will get into everything). Report to social services. Of course it’s not nice reporting to social services but more importantly why should her children grow up in this filth and squalor.

If she twigs it’s you reported her you may lose a friendship but the friending doesn’t sound that close if you rarely meet. She would probably be too embarrassed to ring you up and challenge you on this anyway. What a desperate situation

All those telling OP to “just tell her the truth” and “call SS now”…it’s really not that easy when a friendship is on the line. I agree the situation sounds awful and the friends DC need protecting but MN tends to minimise the impact of taking certain actions IRL.

I had a not dissimilar situation with a friend a few years ago. The house was not only unkept but freezing cold as friends DH only permitted heating on 30 mins a day. It was a large Victorian house with multiple floors and the animals, smell, mess and cold conditions were awful. I was meant to stay with DD who was then a toddler but I genuinely couldn’t as the place was a health hazard. I booked a room in a Premier Inn after initially making up an excuse (I can’t remember what I said) and had posted on MN at the time as I really didn’t know how to extricate myself from the situation without causing huge offence.

Eventually I told my friend the truth as she couldn’t understand why I was spending money on a hotel. That was 10 years ago and she hasn’t spoken to me since.

Respectfully though, kids shouldn't suffer just because there's a risk the friend might disown you.

I'd be worried about my luggage carrying anything out of the house. Try to put them into you car asap.

Also, her depression / lack of coping could be because her husband has walked out. Maybe asking if everything is okay as suggested above might be the best approach.

Definitely report to SS.

I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who lived like that for a time when I went through a very deep depression. Please, please be honest and tell her you're worried about her, don't just make up excuses and bail, it allows her to keep deluding herself that everything is fine. She's ill, not just messy or lazy.

You go blind to it, you really do. I didn't see the floor in my bedroom for months and I just... Didn't care. Didn't notice, didn't care, no shame. Your brain just shuts it off so you don't have to deal with it. Mould in the sink, dirt, clutter everywhere. You convince yourself it's not that bad. You stop seeing it. You forget that other people CAN see it.

It took a friend gently telling me I was harming myself living like that for the scales to fall from my eyes and for me to see the disaster for what it really was. And I was furious with that friend, because I was feeling shame for the first time, so be ready for that. She might be very angry with you, but it might also be the catalyst for her to get some help.

Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes can often be the wake up call.

I completely agree with this. No point pussyfooting around. Her poor kids - its neglect. Massive difference between being a bit untidy and dusty and squalor. What you describe is gross and as much as you don't want to offend her or hurt her feelings you really need to put her kids first. If you wouldn't let your kids stay there hers shouldn't be there either.

Do you think she'd listen if you did have a chat with her?

No I couldn't stay there either but I think I'd probably chicken out and make an excuse