Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

Good work with the tactful excuse. You have my sympathy - the line is really visible when you see it, not just "messy" or "a bit grubby" - filthy and honestly disturbing. I really struggle with this with older members of my family. Nobody will stay with my MIL or even go in the house because of the reek and the cat poo / puddles of pee, and the kitchen is worrying. However, she remains rudely healthy and is quite quickly angry if it is raised as an issue.

Another relation spends all their time asleep but cannot get any kind of diagnosis. That house has dogs and a worrying kitchen.

There seems to be nothing to be done, and I find it hard to wrap my head round.

Yes, they're doctors. So?

Having kids in this environment is neglect. I don't care if the parents are unemployed or in well paid professional jobs - it's not only neglect if it's poor or poorly educated people.

The long term impact of children living in home conditions such as this is huge, poor mental health, stigma and embarrassment, social exclusion, and then this all carries on to their own adult lives where they can't maintain their own home and the cycle continues. It makes no difference if their parents are wealthy.

People with MH often hide it. Look at Robin Williams made everyone laugh when he wasn't happy himself.

She might be desperate for someone to come and help her sort the house out. Her own DC have to live in that house. I would want to help her order a skip and have a good sort out.

Glad you are sorted for tonight.

I think I would talk about it with her another time if you could. Maybe she just can't see it. I am assuming you are 'normal' and not a clean freak so any kind of mess would be distressing to you.

Would you be able to take some photos of the mess and show your DH just to confirm your thoughts?

This happened to me once, I got my husband to ring and say there was an
emergency at home and I was needed. We travelled the length of the country and back again in 24 hours!
The relief of being home!

Was going to suggest same

The cats sound neglected, you should raise that or report it.

I can't imagine what the sheets will be like that you and your children are expected to sleep in. Go now.

Untidy and cluttered is one thing; actual dirt, poo, mould, flies and smell is completely another. Glad you can get away!

Honestly some of the replies on here are ridiculous.

There's probably more people that live like this, than clean people.

I'd imagine the friendship would be over if the OP mentions anything.

cats hate dirty trays
talking of which how clean are the children and herself if its that bad I cannot see they can clean themselves properly or keep clothes clean.

I sent him a photo of the bedroom. I was debating coming home, but the kids were so excited last night and this morning, packing everything up to go away. Would have been shit for them to come home and go again tomorrow.

At first dh was like, come on, is it that bad? I am a very tidy person, not a clean freak who pours buckets of bleach over everything, but our house is clean and tidy.

So I sent him a photo of where I was standing in the bedroom and he was like, “okay, give me ten minutes, I’ll book you a room somewhere.” It’s very obvious the extent of it just from a photo of one room.

It’s so awful as she’s just so lovely. She’s got me a tea so I can sit here while dd naps and she’s entertaining all the children, jumping up and down slides with them all.

You could phone the children's school and raise concerns there, if you don't feel comfortable phoning social work.

I would be honest and say I don't want this to end our friendship and I'm sure you will be upset but I can't stay here. She needs a wake up call for her poor kids.

The difficulty is if you don't report it how will you know if any improvement has been made?

@Wellthisisshitty I would get this post deleted op.
It’s far too identifying.

Whatever you and others think of your friends home she doesn’t deserve to be shamed on sm.

What I find most odd here is that she invited you and your kids to stay while knowing that the beds she's providing are covered in junk and you can't even walk across the floor to get to them. Most people whose houses get into that state make every excuse under the sun not to have people over, and certainly not to stay the night.

I'm gobsmacked that they're both doctors - again, not because the house is in a disgusting state, but because surely someone with that degree of intelligence would be fully aware that other people are going to be shocked by their home.

My former next door neighbour was a social worker and her house was like this, apparently (as we found out when someone broke in while she was away and the police knocked on our door to ask us if there was actually someone living in there because it was so crammed with stuff that they couldn't quite see how anyone was actually inhabiting it). But we think she was fully aware that her house was a problem because she never let anybody into it - not even her boyfriend, or her adult daughter.

My friend, a top lawyer with multiple degrees, is a shopaholic and in debt. I have tried to talk with her about it to no avail. Not linked to intelligence.

Could you ask if everything’s okay? When you visited her old house it wasn’t dirty and mouldy like this one, why the change? It’s not what you were expecting, it’s shocked you while you’re grateful for the invitation and happy to see her and the kids you won’t be staying there.

Agreed. One of the most neglectful parents I know is a policewoman. She's been reported many times to SS but the grandparents keep bailing her out, cleaning up, taking the kids, until the next time.

It’s so awful as she’s just so lovely. She’s got me a tea so I can sit here while dd naps and she’s entertaining all the children, jumping up and down slides with them all.
This does make it worse, I hope you get to the bottom of it and she gets herself sorted

I would invent a cat allergy and say you can feel it coming on and go to a travel lodge

Also check shes ok. Sounds like she has aome mental health issues. Ask her if she would like some help to sort everything

I think your plan to go out for a nice play/lunch and to the hotel ( which you double booked) is a good one. I can see that it would be awkward and embarrassing for the both sets of DC to bring it up on your visit, when you could contact your friend privately later.
I second @MotherofGorgons - its not intelligence related. I also know a medical professional/business owner who had a break in whilst away and the police said, I'm very sorry but they've really trashed the place. The person had no qualms or self consciousness saying No that's OK, they didn't it was like that when I went away. EG The loo was stuffed full of so much random junk including empty Amazon boxes and packaging it was difficult to squeeze in.

If they are both working in good jobs, she might be able to get a cleaner in to help get on top of it. And this might prompt her. Although I did help the person I knew to throw out too small clothes they still had from their teenage years. You couldn't move in the bedroom, which was as a result, never cleaned. They didn't even have cleaning equipment when I asked, apart from a dustpan and brush. We filled four giant bin liners, but they were soon back to old habits.