Have you ever suffered from limerence?

[Mummysgogetter]

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

I think I do for celebrities… one actor at the moment, actually 2 they play a couple… absolutely obsessed for the last 2 months, and it’s showing no signs of stopping. Fan fiction, insta, Facebook, you tube you name it and im doing it. It’s happened before with others, I’ll move on eventually….

Did anyone find their mental health went downhill after ceasing contact? I came off my antidepressants a few months ago and thought I was fine but breaking this cycle I've gone really down and am now getting intrusive thoughts and worries about other things. I can't believe how awful I feel.

@lovelymango

It's kind of difficult to say about Mental
Health. He was emotionally and financially abusive to me (it was an emotional affair with a colleague that I had to see every day) and I was constantly comparing myself to his online "girlfriend" (mainly because he would do the same!). So on one level, once I wasn't being abused by him and had taken myself out of the pick me dance, my mental health started to recover quite quickly and I really focussed on taking care of myself and trying new hobbies etc.

However, the empty space where he'd been felt huge. Massive void, felt very flat and...well...empty. I comfort ate and gained A LOT of weight. It took me around two years to feel ready to open my heart up again or have the energy to feel anything for another man. I ended up in a boring, safe relationship where I felt nothing for a while. It was quite a horrible feeling "when the butterflies died". I had a lot of therapy.

After a more recent intense crush last year (where the man turned out to be closetted gay but essentially used me as his beard) my mental health has really taken a nose dive. It wasn't limerance but perhaps last chance for babies and first time since the limerance guy that I'd really fallen for someone so I think there is a huge amount of grief and shame that isn't really about the guy but about what I've lost in general in life and how I feel so different to other women in their late 30s who don't seem to have these relationship complications or intense feelings and just sail through dating/marriage/babies.

I kind of feel like the reason my MH spiralled this time was because it wasn't about the guy, but about what he represented and when it was over I was left alone, abandoned again and with all the space in my head that he took up through fantasy, I was left with the cold,
harsh reality of my life and my self.

I hope this makes sense...I fear it doesn't! But you aren't alone...the time after limerance ends is pretty bleak. I'm ND so throwing myself into a special interest and being around either animals or tiny relatives/friends kids who love me helps no end. Just be as kind and as patient with yourself as you can and don't be afraid to have some talking therapy. It really helped me reframe the relationship and put myself first instead of a fantasy of a man who in reality was quite pathetic.

I've had it twice, one replaced the other. It's a nightmare.

How many people who posted on here have spent time over the last 24 hours thinking about their limerent other again? Me, you ask... Guilty! 😂

It has been quite the feeder hasn’t it? I’ve used it to talk about him 😬

@All2Well I'm in the gaining weight stage at the moment, not going to see him so what's the point, might as well eat a whole pizza... it's so textbook adhd. Very all or nothing. Normal people would keep trying to lose weight, look good and start online dating. Whilst I'm sitting in a swimming pool of despair for someone I once spoke to about hiking.

@All2Well
That does make sense. Thanks for sharing. This sounds mad but I think it is like OCD for me. Like if I'm having a tough time I think I will get in contact with Mr as that means everything will be ok when all along my DH is getting the brunt of my anxiety and negative and intrusive thoughts. I don't want to go back on antidepressants so I'm just going to have to stay strong. I keep imagining him sending a picture or message and me not opening it because I've got rid of my account and him wondering where I've gone. But I know after a couple of weeks of niceness we are back to him ignoring me and me being 'needy' and that's when I hate myself and it all starts again. My DH needs me present and ultimately I would be devastated if he was doing this. And this man is not a patch on him it's just that he fulfilled my fantasy

This morning I felt depressed and didn't want to go for a run but then I discovered I've had a significant reward on the scales so please focus on you. You will feel so much better

Can’t say I’ve suffered from it since I was about 14 and had a Thing about the boy next door.

@lovelymango yeah I think I'll feel worse if I completely wallow. Managed to chuck the kids discarded cereal away without eating it. I'll get the Mr Motivator out later. Dd just made me dance with her to Under Pressure so I feel infinitely better now.

Anyone got any good songs for my Limerence playlist? So far I have 'You don't know my name' by Alicia Keys and 'Hello' by Lionel Richie

Jenny by the Studio Killers. Works for me because my limerence experience has been with women both times. I'm married to a man but became obsessed with two different women. I really understand how you all feel. It really took over and messed with my head so much.
The first one I got over by distancing myself.

@lovelymango I understand you not wanting to go on ADs again. What I will say is that some of them target OCD and can be really helpful. I had undiagnosed ADHD so actually most of the ADs I tried like Citalopram made me so much worse but Sertraline made me feel better in some ways and I think looking back it was that I wasn't having any OCD on them, or binge eating. But I know it's hard being on ADs. You've maybe already tried Sertraline and it didn't work for you.

OCD and Limerance do seem to go hand in hand.

Are there any fantasies (travel, image changes, getting a dream dog/cat) that you could actually act on in life and plan or work towards? An opportunity to make another dream come true?

And @DustyRhodesYell I SO relate about the overeating and ADHD. We get the dopamine where we can! I always lose a shit ton of weight when I'm in a relationship ("I don't need food! Love is sufficient!") and then gain a shit ton in the aftermath of a break up ("must fill the emptiness with chocolate and mcdonalds hash browns!"). Haven't quite figured out how to fix that yet!

They are trialing a cure for OCD at the moment, maybe if they do, they will help with limerance.

Yes and it's horrendous. Way beyond a normal crush I would say. I have experienced it with a number of people but by far the worst has been with someone I met over 10 years ago; I'll stop thinking about him for a while and then something will remind me of him and ping- the obsessive thoughts are back! I had a traumatic childhood with an extremely mentally ill mother and think it's a bizarre kind of coping mechanism, like maladaptive daydreaming? I also suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem which I think are all linked as well.

Reading through the thread I've been nodding as this relates to me so much.
One particular guy stands out. This was about 5 years ago now and we worked together. We were both single and did end up dating however I was completely obsessed with him and one day he just ghosted me. I've never felt pain like it and I still had to work in the same team as him. I was obsessed with him for ages. It was a relief when I quit and moved on. Now I look back and think what an awful man.

Right now I have limerence on my boss. I've only been in my job 7 weeks. The first time I saw him I fancied him. I have a DP and he's married. He's also 15 years older than me. He's shown me kindness but I think that's the person he is. He obviously has a care of duty to his employees. I think I'm drawn to it because I didn't have that in my childhood or with my relationships.
I can sympathise with the highs and lows and I find myself seeking him out just for a hi. I know I shouldn't be. I need to stop this. Also I love my job and I don't want to ruin it. Its hard because I can't go NC.

Interestingly I'm also neurodiverse and have ADHD.

@All2Well well I'm losing weight and getting fit so there's that. I still haven't gone back the app we were in touch on and it's ok. I'm having anxiety over other things though but this too shall pass

The urge to contact him is strong today!

Stay strong! Dont do it, find another distraction today

What's the back ground ? I don't have time to pick through your posts?

@lovelymango
you said “My DH needs me present and ultimately I would be devastated if he was doing this. And this man is not a patch on him it's just that he fulfilled my fantasy”
Hope that gives you the the resolve you need!

Ah in that case don't contact him

yeah @lovelymango I too am really struggling today. After reading this thread though I can at least think of it as withdrawal symptoms from my addiction.

doesn't make it feel any better though, want to cry and reach out to him. I'm worried about when i see him at work, if i'm going to crumble and seek out eye contact again. I'm trying to keep busy, DH keeps asking if I'm alright because I seem a bit lost today. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him about the limerence. As maybe he will understand the addiction side, because he's a recovering alcoholic. But I know it would be a ridiculous move that would hurt him greatly.

I just want it to stop. I want to come clean and move forward.

Thanks guys I appreciate the support. Basically background is I met this guy at work and was very drunk. He came on to me but wouldn't actually do anything. Then next day I sobered up and said he needed to leave me alone then he lured me in with a kind of magnetism I've never experienced before. Then he'd fall out with me then come back and I got addicted. Like an EA which I'm extremely ashamed of but I knew it was wrong and I tried to escape it several times but he'd say you're so intense blah blah then I realised he didn't give a crap about me and now I'm determined to get away from him. I have never done anything like this before and it took over all my rational thought then I realised it's just the ocd I get from anxiety and the thoughts if he is talking to me everything is ok. I'm relieved I'm able to talk about it without getting a pasting. I feel awful