Have you ever suffered from limerence?

[Mummysgogetter]

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

I woke up worrying about something unrelated but has just replaced this ocd. So went for a run

@Lemejustsay stay strong! You can get through this. Don't tell your DH. I've been tempted before but he would be devastated over something which is not real and it's just words. Keep talking to us. It's a nice day so just go for a walk or distract yourself

Went back to my job after a week off. The limerance person is standing there at the entrance and strikes a conversation up about my week off. Asking what I've been up to, if what I done was a hobby. It's really not helping. I find myself trying to guess if he likes me back or if he's just a kind person who is looking out for his staff. I shouldn't be thinking this though.
I can't avoid him as he's my boss.

Ouch.
My last limerant was my boss- lasted a couple of months and completely disappeared now. Year long gap between him and my current one which is also someone I’ve know years.

Gosh I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Like you have to be polite when really you're thinking all kinds of things.
My limerant person has messaged me a picture of something mundane which means hes testing the waters and tomorrow he's going to start the hi how are you chat to squirm his way back and I will not fall back into it. I'm determined. Why did I open the app

Struggling today. Feel like there's nothing to look forward to. Downloaded OLD app again but there's no one on there like my LO. Feel pretty glum.
I think it might be harder going through this and not being in a relationship. At least you can think that it's not happening for a reason then.

It's so tough especially since he's a good looking man. Gah! I literally could not avoid him this morning.
Oh that's called hoovering. It's awful because you know what's happening but you just keep thinking about it.

lovelymango

yeah mine did that last week after 15 months of us not contacting each other. I'd drawn some distance away from him a few days before then BAM! Sent a random pic (was sort of work related)

I actually asked WTF he was doing.

@Lemejustsay that made me laugh 😂. I just ignored it. My anxiety is so bad at the moment I don't have the headspace for him anyway

Gah just bumped into my crush and it could have been perfect. But instead of making chitchat like a normal person I just decided to stare at my phone as he went by and then took off on my bike. Why?!

Self sabbotage @TransformationChynaDoll ?

Or because if it worked out your limerant illusion of your crush would be shattered?

Ugh - there must be something in the watee tonight! I've not thought of my Mr Limerance in years but for some reason I fell down a TikTok rabbit hole of Stevie Nicks/Lindsey Buckingham videos (I'm a huge Fleetwood Mac fan) and I ended up thinking of my ex. "Go Your Own Way" was our break up song. But then tonight I saw the viral video of Silver Springs when about 20 years later Stevie sings the song that she wrote about their break up AT him. (look up Silver Springs 1997 on YouTube if you want to see what I mean).

Time cast it's spell on you and you won't forget me.

I know I could have loved you but you would not let me.

I'll follow you down till the sound of my voice will haunt you.

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you.

He's the only person I had that sort of chemistry with that they had. Like unbelieveable chemistry that everyone would comment on. Stevie said in one of the videos that Lindsey was no doubt the romantic love of her life. And it didn't work out for them either.

Maybe I should just be grateful I experienced it once? FFS it's nearly 10 years ago and if he was standing right in front of me now (and not married!) I still wouldn't go back to him because I know that way madness lies. But he got me, and no one else has and it still hurts that he ultimately didn't choose me and I've ended up alone.

I have to admit I get a kick out of thinking maybe I'm the only person that made him feel as intensely as he did me. And I hope it makes him feel a bit achy and sad too from time to time.

I know I sound batshit. It must be nice to be neurotypical and not feel everything so f-ing deeply.

I kind of miss the limerance, as awful as it was.

Following

@All2Well that's sort of beautiful. That the feeling of limerence is what you miss, not the person or relationship. Interesting that you wouldn't take him back, that's wild to me, I would climb mine like a tree. But then I don't know the reality...

I don't miss the limerence at all. I was actually quite embarrassed by my behaviour when it was over. I was obsessed with this man who couldn't care less about me.

@Goodornot I think when it leaves you, unless it's because you're in a new relationship or for a new limerence object, it can leave you quite flat.

I think the flat feeling means you are still getting over it.

I'm going through a never ending circle of stages.

1. Feel like I'm over it.

1. then feeling flat

1. wanting a tiny bit of contact

1. thinking non stop again

1. emotional mess, wanting him, wanting to cry at whats lost, wanting to reach out again

1. confused as I want him, but don't, because I love my husband and want my life with DH.

1. resolute at shutting down the feeling, and seeing him for what he really is and not my fantasy. concentrate on everything I love about my husband.

1. back to thinking I'm over it.

start all over again 🤦‍♀️
I think the weekends are what's doing it, not seeing him triggers my withdrawal symptoms.

Oh trust me I was embarassed, humilated, for years after my limerance experience and definitely never wanted to repeat it ever again. I had always been pretty sensible and level headed about men prior to it but there was something about my ex that brought out something really intense with me.

I think my rabbit hole experience last night might be about the fact that I've never let myself love anyone since him. I've been too scared I might get intense and get hurt again, but I haven't admitted that.

Maybe it's different from some other limerance experiences because, rather than it being a crush, we had a relationship, a pretty long one, and also worked closely together every single day. He was just completely unable to commit to me and ultimately chose someone else so he couldn't give me what I needed and I never felt enough for him. Other people who knew us said they thought he was terrified of real love and essentially ran because he couldn't handle it.

I don't know what I miss to be honest. Is it the limerance or is it just being in love, having chemistry, having a person who gets me on a deep level and vice versa?

I think I shut down a lot after him to protect myself. I'd love to feel all the good stuff I felt for him and have it be reciprocated and work out with a guy. That would be the dream. But I worry that I'm too intense and love too deeply for most men to be comfortable with. They hate that. So I've been alone for the past 9 years since him. But thankfully with my marbles mainly in tact.

I've met someone that I see in a group situation regularly and they're pretty flirty and attentive to me. They're a really great person and I do find them 100% attractive, I immediately thought that when I first met them, we have things in common, and would imagine we could potentially have great times and good company.

BUT I'd rather obsess about the ex Narc limerent object who although we really clicked and had amazing chemistry was in essence emotionally and verbally abusive to a really high level and caused me utmost distress.

Am starting to think that having this type of thing, limerence, is really a way of just being one step out of reality. As someone in long term recovery from substance addiction, now I'm seeing how I might have switched one avoidance of reality for the other. What to do about it? Should I sign up for the pay for programmes of the 'recovery experts' like Alan Robarge (who I admire and think makes total sense)?

Yes, for over two decades. "Fell for" a friend at school, and even after leaving and not seeing him, I had this idea of him in my head that I fell in love with.
We connected on FB a few years back, and that was the worst thing. We talked as friends, but I still had feelings for him.
My relationship of the time ended, and his contact was more intense. We met up (over 20 years after our last meeting). I do think something could have come of it, but I was weird (have a diagnosis of EUPD), and I messed it up. He pretty much ghosted me. A blessing in disguise.

I had a similar experience. I got together with a guy I'd had a fling with as a teenager many years later. I'd been obsessed with him at the time, then thought about him for years later and when we saw one another, he said the same thing. Anyway we got together but in reality our relationship didn't work. He was quite macho and dominant, had often been involved in violent fights with other men. After about three years, I was no longer interested in him except as a sort of brotherly feeling and there was nothing there, he became very frustrated and confused and a bit heartbroken. I just drifted away physically and emotionally (we weren't living together thank god) and soon enough he was with someone new who immediately fell pregnant. It worked out for them both and they settled down and had a lovely large family. It was after that, I came to the awakening that I actually hated sex with men, always had, and was just enacting trauma on myself from having been abused in childhood. All the same this limerence thing is repeating with a recent ex and it's been a few years now.

@JFT "limerence, is really a way of just being one step out of reality. As someone in long term recovery from substance addiction, now I'm seeing how I might have switched one avoidance of reality for the other."

Yes-there's definitely something there- a dopamine hit, intense imaginary life. I'm 'well recovered' (odaat)but now decades on I notice the same anticipation, shadiness, lying to myself and dh...

My limerance has been wavering and going. However we had an interaction in the staff room yesterday 😫 he just comes across as a genuine kind person and he has the cutest smile. My works Xmas due is coming up and he's attending. I need to make sure I don't drink alot!

Definitely avoid the booze!

I stupidly got back in touch and he just doesn't care. Feel ridiculous now. I need to go NC don't I? Whenever I say anything he says I'm being too deep etc

What did he say?