Have you ever suffered from limerence?

[Mummysgogetter]

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

@dessertorchide how did your situation end up?

I knew he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me but he still left and I was demented. I tormented myself.

As someone has said up thread what really happened was my love for him coloured everything. He wasn't all that. Infact he was less than.

Yes, once - on the receiving end of full on romancing in a rather extreme and other worldly situation which involved costumes and a location over just a few days.

It was a shock when the event ended; on the train back to reality I cried and found it difficult for months to move on.

Like a mind injury that had to heal, tho it was all lovely.

Not seeing him ever again was the key to leaving it behind, which I have - it being pre social media probably helped.

But I'm so glad I experienced it, I'll never forget the sensation of 'oh I SEE!'

What a horrible, inaccurate stereotype

@JFDIYOLO you're so right, these situations often arise when we're out of our normal lives/ routine. I once did a training course which was eight weeks with 15 strangers. 8 weeks of being in the same room day in, day out, bored. Four people out of the group ended up banging each other, chaos followed. I nearly got caught up in it myself.

How so? It wasn't said with malice.

In defence of the OP, who is not me, I don't agree that it's an inaccurate stereotype. On what grounds do you think so?

Healthy happy functional people with good boundaries and zero trauma generally speaking don't put up with or entertain non-reciprocal relationships. Fantasy and day-dreaming and crushes is one thing but actual real limerence is a living hell.

All the experts I follow believe this arises from early life attachment trauma, primary care-giver disruption. That certainly seems right in my case.

I had to really get deep and dark when I realised that the psychological and verbal abuse my ex (female) was torturing me with was in fact the same type of thing as my abusive father used to do and she was reminding me exactly of my father even though I hadn't seen him for decades. Obv split up from her but now I've got 'limerence' which I never had with anyone else.

Obv each case is individual. Have you experienced it?

I'm not convinced by limerence being any different from a crush/ unrequited love. It just seems like a fancy name as all the situations on here are different. I have this with someone ATM, I may be delusional but I'm pretty sure he feels the same (his interest sparked my interest) obstacles on both sides make it dangerous/ unobtainable but also makes the feelings more intense. It matches what is described here; good old fashioned wanting what you can't have and filling the void with fantasy.

@Marygoesround the difference is the length of the feeling and the intensity. I have struggled with mine for five years. We have never had more than gentle chitchat, no conversations of real depth. I don't know anything about him. Yet I have dreamed about him day in, day out, for five years. That's not a crush.

Would you want more than chit chat Dusty? Wondering if that would spoil the illusion, as in the persona is entirely crafted to suit your requirements and just happens to have his physical appearance. Would the real him break the spell. On the other hand perhaps it would provide more fuel.

I find crushes/ limerence intense and at times all consuming but enjoyable. It fulfills a need and I don't have the hassle of dealing with the real thing, and of course the object of desire behaves exactly as I want them to. Is it the painful aspect that makes it limerence? And why is it painful? Longing? feelings of inadequacy? Or guilt? It's all fascinating.

It’s painful because one minute you’re on a high thinking they possibly feel the same and the world looks brighter, you have energy, joie de vivr, motivation and feel very desirable etc, etc. the next minute, they’ve gone off script from what was in your fantasy and ignored you or something and you feel gut achingly empty and low.

Limerence isn't the same as a crush although it may well feel that way in the first instance - it's how it develops over time and how profoundly painful it is to the sufferer. Crushes, flirtations, fantasies, day dreams, dangerous flirting... they're not limerence.

It's a bit like saying well what's the difference between being super anxious about making sure to wash one's hands regularly and having full blown OCD that makes someone wash their hands a thousand times a day for the last five years.

The point about limerence is that the 'love object' is not able or willing to reciprocate the feelings in the same way as a primary care giver did not love the infant back. That's the pathway wired into the brain that experts believe causes the dysfunction and profound pain on a spirit and soul level -but- the person stays trapped in it, even though as a grown adult and conscious they know better logically.

Ok so so many posts on here I completely get.

Mine is 2 years in, but I'm hoping I'm getting a grip now.

Yes yes to the euphoric highs followed by massive lows, the painful longing.

The obbessiviness of in the beginning, was the worst its wasn't fun I just wanted it to stop, I didn't want to think of him every second of the day. I didn't want to be laid still awake in bed thinking of our interactions 3 hours after planning to go to sleep, but at the same time, so excited for the next day when I could see him again.

it's been 2 long years, I tried no contact at work (caused a massive argument so could do this) 8 months of not speaking. it almost worked.

we got close again and the euphoria was off the scale and stayed consistent which frightened me a lot, there were no lows.
but then he threw a curve ball at me and said he was leaving. I felt like my world was falling apart, I've totally ruined the friendship we had, because I lost the plot, not knowing how to be about him,(I just wanted to cry uncontrollably like days of crying were you tummy aches because you cry so much. but i couldn't because I had to come home to my lovely husband). Well its all just a massive mess at the moment because my emotions are so mixed up, I reacted really badly to something the other day and have upset him, now he won't speak to me.

But on the plus side its helping me keep my head down and not even look at him, and he won't look at me either, so I have nothing. nothing! to obsesse over at all.
I'm determined to take this chance now and really put it to bed. I'm forcing myself not to think of him. (threads not helping)
I don't want him, I don't want the highs and lows. I just want it to be over.

oh and I don't know if he is leaving after all now. I'm hoping he does leave.

I actually developed it for my therapist which was the worst of all conceivable worlds.

He was quite a bit older than me and I was seeing him for family issues/trauma and so it manifested more as a feeling of wanting him to be my Dad.

I tried to talk to him about it but he just seemed to think it was all transference and actually he got pretty dodgy in the end and agreed to be friends with me when therapy was over (!!!)

I got over it with no contact and....no therapy!!! Hahah.

I did go back to therapy a couple of years later with a female who was younger than me and that was amazing. Just to have a healthy therapy relationship with someone I did not think of outside of the sessions.

I’ve experienced this and over a period of 18 months it impacted almost every area of my life. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

@Lemejustsay your post reminds me of me lol
im in the thick of it right now and finding it so so painful. I’m trying so hard to be normal when I come home to my lovely DH but I’m either hyper or low and irritable. I just want this gone.

Yep and reciprocated. He's gone NC with me. I'm glad tbh because I'm losing interest.

It was just being fuelled by having contact.

Yes, this completely sums it up.

And if you happen to have it for someone who is enjoying headfucking you it is a million time worse.

Understanding a bit of the science behind it did really help me. Yes, to the attachment stuff and the neural pathway that is forged by having a disinterested caregiver who is just not that into you.

But also all of the science around addiction really helped. I think living with limerence was the site where I read about the test in mice where one group hits a button and are reliably given a reward and the second group hit a button and a reward is given at random. They can never be certain when they will get a hit and so they become obssessive about hitting the button again and again and again, driven crazy by the uncertainty.

That's what it was like for me as the person I was limerent for had a very avoidant attachment style so could be really cuddly, lovely and open one minute and the next minute would withdraw and be like a stranger.

And I just wanted to keep hitting the button again to get the good stuff of genuine warmth and affection.

The most headfucking experience of my life and the only way out of it is with logic, not emotion.

If I could give one piece of advice to someone experiencing limerence it would be to trust your HEAD, NOT your emotions.

That's what it was like for me as the person I was limerent for had a very avoidant attachment style so could be really cuddly, lovely and open one minute and the next minute would withdraw and be like a stranger

And I just wanted to keep hitting the button again to get the good stuff of genuine warmth and affection

The most headfucking experience of my life and the only way out of it is with logic, not emotion

yep this is him.

Unfortunately my emotions seem to run my head. Although I have had a few times when something subconscious has literally hit the brakes on what I was going to do or say. there have been many lines I could have crossed when caught up in the euphoria, eg say something, initiate contact outside of work, ect but luckily something has always pulled me back.

Fascinating thread, so much resonates. I've definitely experienced limerence with someone who i ended up having a short relationship with but when it ended it nearly finished me. It ended nearly 2 years ago and I still think of him often, am tempted to contact him, wonder if he might want to get back together. It's all bollocks. It is SO much more than a crush. Feels like a form of insanity. Definitely attachment trauma involved plus damage from a long, unhappy marriage to someone who was and is emotionally shut down.

Thanks so much for the explanations, I understand better. I'm interested in what you say, JFT, about limerence mirroring a lack of attachment with the primary care giver. Funnily enough that's my own background, quite a bit of rejection and abandonment. I get obsessive crushes but they don't become painful in the way some of you have described. I'm wondering why and I think it's because I actually prefer the fantasy to the reality - then I'm not dependent on anyone. God, I don't know which is sadder 😥

I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking :(

But it's better to know yourself and your processes than be ignorant / oblivious.

There is recovery work can be done, I really truly believe this. I'm going to concentrate on the living with limerence site and also sign up to Alan Robarge's support community. Plus there's the 12 Step Prog 'ACoA' - Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Parents

It’s been a great thread. Very Un mud slingy and some thoughtful and insightful points and psychological background.
I think for me because it could turn into something it’s somewhere between a crush and limerence.

I also think it's been a great thread, I've seen so many threads on here where people just distill it to "crazy bunny boilers justifying themselves".

I've experienced myself and I can see from posts from others here and on the liviingwithlimerence forum that it's the opposite of bunny boiling.

There is so much shame and secrecy and keeping it to yourself and not letting anyone know how it has taken over your life.

Limerence was my dirtiest secret, I didn't stalk or scare anyone. I just suffered very painfully in silence.

I also completely agree with the attachment wound explanation and I actually really disagree with the poster who insinuated we should feel shame or damaged for having had those experience.

I experienced terrible parenting and child abuse and I was vulnerable to limerence.

But I moved through both of those things.

I am not damaged, there is nothing 'wrong' or 'shameful' in having experienced trauma or having had a rejecting or neglectful parent.

It doesn't make us lesser.

Limerence is more likely in people who suffer from ocd in general and obsessive thinking.