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Original poster

Have you ever suffered from limerence?

268 replies

Mummysgogetter · 26/10/2023 20:12

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

OP posts:
Affairnot · 27/10/2023 13:56

@PaprikaPlease a fortnight. And it hit my like a train from the moment he held me tight dancing and grazed my neck. Although the ADHD/ addiction overlapping is interesting and super relevant to me I think it’s a crush, it’ll fade but I must stop feeding it.

Affairnot · 27/10/2023 13:59

@Jft last year’s was definitely trauma bonding. He had my back in an awful situation at work.
Is anyone else reading along Mme Bovary?

JFT · 27/10/2023 14:06

@PaprikaPlease

I shall research 'purposeful living' and sadly the tragedy of all this is that the person I was with really knocked me off my stride and my life path - purposefully it seems - as I think she took power from doing that.

She's also literally mimicked, echoed, and pretty much stolen the whole gist of a personal fine art project I work on - in a way that only anyone who is an artist or creative would be able to comprehend - there's very little one can do when someone 'runs' with your whole thing as it's not locked down by copyright or legislation and it's rife in the art world.

So that knocked me a bit off my purpose as now there's a sense of dismay and sadness linked to my work.

I feel that her public posts are a form of direct provocation to me in this regard as she knows exactly what she's doing and I've had 'independent' friends (the sort who would call me out were it not true) check and they 100% agree. I'm not sure what she hopes to get from this - whether she's just a parasite and mimic who came in my life and has now creatively exploited me or whether it's a form of 'reaching out' and proving our similarities. Some of what she comments and writes is about wanting (someone) back and saying things like 'come and find me'. I will never ever act on stalking her so that's a non starter if it is what she wants.

Also my entire purpose is totally effed at the moment as I'm waiting on major surgery and barely able to function meantime. So, I'm temporarily disabled, resting a lot, medicated, and in a huge amount of pain. Not helpful for re-booting ones life but I will after surgery.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
DustyRhodesYell · 27/10/2023 14:16

On a side note, I work in mental health and there is a very thin line between maladaptive daydreaming and delusion. I've treated people who, among other things, hold strong beliefs that someone they are not in a relationship with is sending them messages that they are in love with them. I guess I know deep down that my crush isn't interested. It wouldn't take much for me to lose that grasp of reality though. I've always felt predisposed to have psychotic symptoms. If I smoke weed I literally lose all grasp of reality so I can't do it. A few glasses of wine make me feel euphoric and a bit spacey. There's a persona which comes out. It's not just me on loud speaker.

PaprikaPlease · 27/10/2023 14:17

Sorry to hear you’re going through this @jft It sounds utterly horrid.

The purposeful living thing gets mentioned a lot on the living with limerence site mentioned above.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 14:17

Is it still classed as delusion if you can tell that the other person is sexually attracted to you?

OP posts:
Goodornot · 27/10/2023 14:20

Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 14:17

Is it still classed as delusion if you can tell that the other person is sexually attracted to you?

Yup. Even if you're having sex. I had sex with one of my limerant objects many times. He strung me along and I became obsessed. He was sexually attracted to me but I was still delusional. He didn't care or want me.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 14:27

Goodornot · 27/10/2023 14:20

Yup. Even if you're having sex. I had sex with one of my limerant objects many times. He strung me along and I became obsessed. He was sexually attracted to me but I was still delusional. He didn't care or want me.

Show quote history

Right, so it's more about the level of obsession within you that makes it limerence?

OP posts:
lovelymango · 27/10/2023 14:28

@PaprikaPlease I did enjoy it in the moment. There was something we did and it was very enjoyable but I couldn't deal with the stress of the rest of it plus all the guilt. In the real world that would never work. I am completely in love with my husband and maybe that's why I became so intense but honestly it was like I was in a film or something. Totally stupid now but I do have a problem with boundaries and self esteem and I'm determined I'm not getting sucked in ever again

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 14:33

Right, so it's more about the level of obsession within you that makes it limerence*?

I would say so. He told me a couple of weeks ago that if he was free and it was available he would want sex with me and it made me realise I was being pathetic over him. And if I really drilled into this and thought about it I would gain nothing but a world of pain from something he couldn't even be arsed about. He started all this a week after he got married and sucked me in with a load of emotional blackmail, calling me frigid etc like it wasn't normal to resist it and with that one true answer I realised he isn't my friend. He isn't anyone. My husband is my real life. He's got my back and wtf am I doing. I'm deeply ashamed of it. Sorry for going on

Nemareus · 27/10/2023 14:34

I think I did one time
He really was mighty fine
he bedded my friend
and that was the end
now I think he’s slime

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 14:34

@Goodornot how did you feel after that. Having sex with him then realising that must be awful

BringMeTheTickets · 27/10/2023 14:38

Affairnot · 27/10/2023 13:36

@PaprikaPlease and @DustyRhodesYell I’m enjoying the aliveness of it.

Oh yeah, never felt more vibrant and alive and attractive and smart and funny and sexy. But then that'll be because it was reciprocated so maybe not quite pure limerence.

Goodornot · 27/10/2023 14:40

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 14:34

@Goodornot how did you feel after that. Having sex with him then realising that must be awful

It should have been obvious. He never called me his gf. Never met his friends. Always on Mondays or Tuesdays and so he never saw me on prime date nights like Friday/ Saturday.

He eventually just came out with it- I've met someone and I can't fool around with you anymore. He said he just needed to get laid and I wanted to too.

Well even though I had been delusional, I had enough self respect to never speak to him again. I just licked my wounds ruminated on it and in time moved on.

In a way it is good for them to tell you they're not interested because it can be what you need to move on.

JFT · 27/10/2023 14:48

DustyRhodesYell · 27/10/2023 14:16

On a side note, I work in mental health and there is a very thin line between maladaptive daydreaming and delusion. I've treated people who, among other things, hold strong beliefs that someone they are not in a relationship with is sending them messages that they are in love with them. I guess I know deep down that my crush isn't interested. It wouldn't take much for me to lose that grasp of reality though. I've always felt predisposed to have psychotic symptoms. If I smoke weed I literally lose all grasp of reality so I can't do it. A few glasses of wine make me feel euphoric and a bit spacey. There's a persona which comes out. It's not just me on loud speaker.

My mother had schizophrenia and a long standing theme of her illness was romantic delusions and believing that she was 'in' relationships with people who were just in the community. And that's when she was 'well'. When poorly she was sexually disinhibited and all manner of madness broke out which put her at very high risk of loss of life.

She got so fond of a particular bus driver that she lost her mind when he was put on a different route - I mean she was distraught and also very rage-filled angry. Poor love, may she rest in peace. Not trying to say that anyone here is that unwell but it was certainly a huge feature of her illness over the decades.

Katiesaidthat · 27/10/2023 14:55

Yes, when I was very young and it was much much more intense than a crush. It was 30 years ago and I can still recall the feeling. He actually comes to mind sometimes. I have to actively banish him to the dungeons of my mind.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 15:03

@Goodornot isn't that true. It's like the mask falls. Hope you're ok. Sorry you went through that

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 15:12

Katiesaidthat · 27/10/2023 14:55

Yes, when I was very young and it was much much more intense than a crush. It was 30 years ago and I can still recall the feeling. He actually comes to mind sometimes. I have to actively banish him to the dungeons of my mind.

@Katiesaidthat what happened in your particular situation if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
BringMeTheTickets · 27/10/2023 15:15

With a little bit of distance I do see that it was me loving him that made him special. Without my filter he is just another dude. That is helping.

Goodornot · 27/10/2023 15:16

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 15:03

@Goodornot isn't that true. It's like the mask falls. Hope you're ok. Sorry you went through that

Thank you I'm fine now and have a real boyfriend.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 15:30

@Goodornot good I am glad. I feel even worse now though when I am happily married to an amazing man but it was about me not my marriage.

Sheraprincessofflower · 27/10/2023 16:14

Re: delusions, with mine I 100% realised that I was not in a relationship with him even when we were having sex. I was painfully aware of that. I think, for me, the delusion was that I was convinced that if I did every single thing right in my life he would want me. I believed that for a long time. I believed that it was only a matter of saying and doing the right things, wearing the right things, having the right job or friends or life in general.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 16:56

This thread has been very eye opening. It would be interesting to see the general age group for suffering from limerence - if we could do a poll.

OP posts:
dessertorchide · 27/10/2023 16:57

PaprikaPlease · 27/10/2023 13:29

I’ve had it from a young age with various men and have always hated it.

Out of interest, has anyone enjoyed it? Or is it a feature of limerence, as opposed to a crush, that it’s miserable and you inevitably grow to hate it.

Mine is purely a mood regulator. Fantasies when I need an easy dopamine/seratonine hit. Especially if I’m feeling a bit miserable or directionless at the time.

Most if the time, the men I’ve been limerent about have eventually made a move on me and I haven’t felt much desire to reciprocate in real life. Even after months/years of obsessing over them. I always liked them better in my fantasies! It’s the weirdest thing and very different to my real life relationships.

I wouldn’t say it’s enjoyable. It’s a high like a drug high. The lows are too awful to make the highs worth having. It’s nothing like proper love that you know is reciprocated and enduring.

dessertorchide · 27/10/2023 17:01

The highs though are just so ecstatic it’s hard to explain. One of mine was a colleague in a very high stakes high profile work situation with lives at risk. When we got a huge success after months of intense long hours and working closely together and we celebrated and he was there it was just like being on MDMA.