Have you ever suffered from limerence?

[Mummysgogetter]

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

@JFT it is a crush I think, yes.

Oh of course you were in a group setting @Affairnot

Both married, but through work spent a lot of time alone together. For five years, which was absolutely no issue until one day it just WAS.

Part of me really understands that to act any further would have been wrong, and part of me thinks that he played such a significant part in my life for a long time, and it's okay to sort of...honour that?

I recognise that is me talking myself into making cheating acceptable, however.

Yes, I had this about somebody for years when I was much younger. He fancied me but didn’t want a relationship with me and I just couldn’t get past it. It was like an obsession and it lasted about 10 years, even through long relationships with other people. It went when I met my husband.

it’s so powerful though - I haven’t felt that way about him for a good 15 years or so but the other night I had a dream about him and for a few days afterwards he was all I could think about - that gut wrenching ache of him not wanting me and so on. I haven’t wanted to be with him for a very long time but it all flooded back because of one dream. It faded after a few days though - I think now I’m older and can rationalise it as limerance it’s easier to push to one side as the brain creating nonsense and drama.

@BringMeTheTickets ”it's okay to sort of...honour that” It’s frightening isn’t it- I found myself doing some crazy doublethink about honouring my sensuality and ‘being alive’ if I act on it.
I really shouldn’t go to the next meet up.

I don't know, to me it just seems another way of pathologising normal human emotion. If the piano teacher were single and interested, we'd say she's fallen in love. The reality of attachment is weird and messy, and does not neatly fit into a little box like romcoms would have us believe. But ok, say it's like a very intense crush - she should change piano tutors if it's bothering her and she wants it to go away. If it's a nice feeling she just needs to keep that iron clad control.

I think the defining part of limerence is that the other person is probably not interested at the the time when the limerence is in its peak. We can read all sorts of stuff into their behaviour, but generally the limerence object is either unaware of us or uninterested. That's what makes it painful!

Which has always prompted the question, if the LO turns around and reciprocates after the limerence has started, what happens? Does it cease to be problematic as you're just obsessed with your partner? Does it lessen? Increase? I can't think of any relationships I have heard of where one person has been utterly obsessed with the other person beforehand? Maybe Kanye West with Kim K?

I really don’t think we would say she’s fallen in love. I certainly wouldn’t. That’s such an ott thing to think, if you’re obsessed with someone you’re not even dating, consumed by thoughts of them to the extent it disrupts your day, that’s not just falling in love. Even if he was interested, it’s unhealthy obsessive behaviour.

Yeah it really takes over your normal rationale thoughts and beliefs.

A friend of mine is currently in a relationship with her long time limerent object. She has been obsessed with this woman for years and years. They’ve both been in relationships with different people and cheated on partners with each other, but it is my friend with the limerent obsession - I he other woman is a narcissist (would put good money on her meeting the diagnostic criteria completely) and uses the limerence to her advantage when she needs attention. Eventually they were both single at the same time and got together and it’s been all hearts and flowers for 6 months but we can all see where it’s going and it’s going to be very dark and unpleasant. My friend is obsessed and has cut off friends and family for this awful woman who I can guarantee will cheat on her and eventually leave her for somebody that meets her needs better. And the obsession will continue - even breaking her heart won’t help. She’s in too deep.

However, if the limerent object is not narcissistic, I’m not sure what would happen if they finally got together with the person who had been obsessing about them. I know if the man I’d been obsessed with had suddenly wanted me back, I’d have spent the entire relationship trying to be perfect so he never left me - so maybe that.

Oh yes, sorry I realise that I wrote that in a confusing way - I completely agree she isn't in love, I think she has a crush. What I'm saying is that the very same feeling, if reciprocated and if they started seeing each other, would be described as love. As it is, I think it's a crush.

Limerence disucssions always focus on it being "in your head", which I think is a mistake because you can be obsessive while knowing that the other person feels nothing for you, and you can also be in love with someon who doesn't feel the same. And as women we know that most men can have their heads turned if you really try. I think it's essentially a very intense, very obsessive crush. And people who get intense and obsessive about things in general tend to experience their crushes as intense and obsessive too.

I have ADHD and limerance is like hyperfocus (I've had both). In fact, limerance is hyperfocus IMO, just aimed at a person, usually one who is unaware.

It literally is all consuming and nothing like a crush (I've had those too!).

I'm meeting a few male friends later - I'll ask them. Should be an interesting topic for the pub!
I'm a man, and I've not experienced this so far (late 30s)

When I first found out about limerence via Alan Robarge, I knew for sure that it's what I'm struggling with and relates to the childhood abandonment wound. In that regard it is pathological and extremely painful which makes it almost a form of self-harm. I think for me, holding onto the idea of a dead relationship from over 5 years ago is absolutely limerence and a psychological problem.

However, I'll say it again, I think a lot of what's being discussed here isn't.

During my recovery from substance addiction, I have attended 12 step meetings of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Now I am absolutely not a SLAA, so I never stuck around as I didn't relate to the stories being shared. A lot of what people spoke about at SLAA were having fantasies about work colleagues, daydreaming, having inappropriate crushes and even manipulating situations in the hope of getting with that person. I think a lot of what is being mentioned here is in that category and I suppose that being the case, then it's a form of escapism and fantasy that could turn into an addiction if one is out of touch with reality too much.

Also, there's human nature, people are flirty and do breach sexual boundaries. It is exciting and euphoric.

Speaking of euphoric I have also known people over the years who have bipolar / schizophrenia and when they're unwell become romantically or sexually fixated on someone who isn't really in their life like that. Even being sexually disinhibited. So there's that as well.

Plus there's just regular people who would really really badly like a loving relationship and it can get painful being alone so one can go a bit bonkers.

I don't know where exactly limerence lies in all of this by technical definition but I do related to the experts who say it's a trauma issue.

@Sheraprincessofflower yes I can imagine I would be the same. I can't imagine being in a relationship with mine and telling him all about the time I smelled his coat, used to work overtime in the hope of being alone with him, went in during covid WFH time to see him, drove to the supermarket on a certain day at a certain time just because I once bumped into him at that time and day of the week, let's be honest, it's fucking creepy. It would just not be a healthy relationship!

Oh I'd be interested in the answer @Deathbyfluffy !

This is interesting. I have ADHD too and maybe this is why I struggle to recognise this term, it just seems that my whole life is like this. For example, over 15 years ago I dated a man who I am still, for lack of a better word, obsessed with. He has never in all that time given any indication that he feels romantically towards me, I'd say we are more like long term friends. It would feel weird to say that I'm in love with him, because I have experienced actually feeling in love with him when we were in a relationsip and it's not like that, but it obviously isn't a crush, it's way too long term. I always chalked it up to some sort of weird hyperfocus side effect.

@Marygoesround Men do experience limerence. It's a human emotional experience, all of which men and woman are capable of feeling. There is no difference in the way the brain works.

@JFT yes mine is basically maladaptive day dreaming. I have been in a relationship for a long duration and I still had these intense crushes. The only period I haven't had them is when I was on maternity leave and when I worked in an all female environment, although I was starting to develop one there for my child's female nursery key worker, but she selfishly left lol

I’ve had it from a young age with various men and have always hated it.

Out of interest, has anyone enjoyed it? Or is it a feature of limerence, as opposed to a crush, that it’s miserable and you inevitably grow to hate it.

Mine is purely a mood regulator. Fantasies when I need an easy dopamine/seratonine hit. Especially if I’m feeling a bit miserable or directionless at the time.

Most if the time, the men I’ve been limerent about have eventually made a move on me and I haven’t felt much desire to reciprocate in real life. Even after months/years of obsessing over them. I always liked them better in my fantasies! It’s the weirdest thing and very different to my real life relationships.

@PaprikaPlease I don't think enjoyed it is the right word. I feel a 'high' when I see them or have some sort of interaction with them, I feel like that 'feeds' the daydreaming aspect. I wish I didn't have the current one as I'm probably never going to see him again so it's just painful, but will probably fade. Or replaced.

100%! There would be such inequality - how do you even begin to have a healthy relationship with someone who has been at the forefront of your brain and everything that you think or do for years, when you’ve sat at the bus stop opposite the cafe where they work not necessarily hoping to see them, just to be near somewhere they are, when the best you can hope for for them is that they’ll suddenly think “oh, I quite like her after all, I wonder if being with her might work out?” I think it would be even more painful than not being with them.

@PaprikaPlease and @DustyRhodesYell I’m enjoying the aliveness of it.

Maladaptive day dreaming - that's exactly the phrase. I'm glad you understand the process as it's the first step to healing.

I have realised that mine is Narcissistic abuse induced trauma-bonding. Since I'm now no longer in the relationship but am having this horrific sense of 'longing' that isn't requited but is incredibly painful, zero enjoyable, feels like my whole soul is screaming, it's that painful, then I've obv gone into some long term limerence and mental health dysfunction. The only upside in all of this is that as I have done addiction recovery work, I know to never ever act on the feelings. But I need to move on from the feelings now!

I've tried so many tactics. What to do?

See in my experience I think it's limerance because he backed off and I got more interested. It was the secrecy and excitement for me though. I massively regret it going as far as it did but I have made myself accountable and will not be contacting him again and this is something that has been happening for 4 years so it will be hard. I definitely wasn't in love with him. More the situation

So interesting to read about people’s experiences. I’d be too embarrassed to talk to even my closest friends about this IRL!

How long has yours been @Affairnot? I haven’t had one since meeting my partner thank god but I remember vividly thinking ‘it feels like my life is suddenly in colour’ with my last. Until I started hating it anyway! Alive is exactly it.

@JFT ‘purposeful living’ is often suggested as a cure. Does that resonate with you at all?