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Original poster

Have you ever suffered from limerence?

268 replies

Mummysgogetter · 26/10/2023 20:12

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

OP posts:
Whiskerson · 26/10/2023 23:38

Maybe the male equivalent is stalking. Plenty of obsessive men, who tend to be far more dangerous than a "limerent" woman.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 06:58

From my reading of livingwithlimerence it seems to happen mostly to midlife people. I wonder if there’s an element of escape the humdrum of daily life in there? Also, to make someone still feel attractive to opposite sex.

OP posts:
hoophoophooray · 27/10/2023 07:19

Yup, no contact is the only way. For me, having to wfh because Covid broke the spell. And then I changed jobs, to make sure I never saw them again.

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Fahbeep · 27/10/2023 08:18

It's not new and it's not really creepy, or suggesting something broken about the person. Have none of you seen Brief Encounter? So many people go on about gaslighting, which comes from an old film, that I would have thought people would know about Brief Encounter too.

Limerence is normal, lacking the self awareness to realise what it is and then obsessing or even harassing the other person is not. Not all people in limerence become stalkers, but some do.

I've had it. A deep longing for someone I couldn't be with. You just deal with it as best you can and it fades!

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 08:20

If you have never been in a state of limerence before then mid life is a classic first time trigger, but some people seem to be wired for it more than others, and will have experienced it from young adult age.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 08:21

Fahbeep · 27/10/2023 08:18

It's not new and it's not really creepy, or suggesting something broken about the person. Have none of you seen Brief Encounter? So many people go on about gaslighting, which comes from an old film, that I would have thought people would know about Brief Encounter too.

Limerence is normal, lacking the self awareness to realise what it is and then obsessing or even harassing the other person is not. Not all people in limerence become stalkers, but some do.

I've had it. A deep longing for someone I couldn't be with. You just deal with it as best you can and it fades!

Not heard of that film @Fahbeep what happened in your situation? How did you take steps to get over it?

OP posts:
ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 08:22

Well said @Fahbeep , women and men can be stalkers but that's not what limerence is about.
Limerence by it's very nature of a deep longing for someone you can't have is rarely disclosed to others, so it's all pretty invisible.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 08:23

I think the thing for my friend is that the tutor makes her feel alive because his behaviour "hints" at attraction but he never escalates. However, along with feeling very alive and high when signs are good - she also experiences depressing lows that make her question her life. There are also limited piano teachers in our area (we live in the sticks) so this is going to be difficult for her - give up the piano hobby or try and get over it whilst still seeing him....

OP posts:
HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 08:25

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 08:22

Well said @Fahbeep , women and men can be stalkers but that's not what limerence is about.
Limerence by it's very nature of a deep longing for someone you can't have is rarely disclosed to others, so it's all pretty invisible.

Absolutely!

When I told my crush (for want of a much more stronger word) I’d had feelings of Limerence for them for about 7 months and they had absolutely no idea.

None of my circle of friends would have a clue either.

I think the deep secrecy is what makes the strength of feelings even more intense.

All2Well · 27/10/2023 08:27

I'm neurodiverse and can generally get quite intense crushes as they basically become my special interest 😳.

Only once have I experienced limerance. It was awful and went on for a year until we graduated and he returned to his home country. It was really helpful for me to hear about it for the first time and learn what it is and how to stop it/avoid getting it. I've never had it since thankfully.

All2Well · 27/10/2023 08:31

Oh, and I never could have got over it fully while we still had to see each other regularly.

She will struggle unless she stops piano with him.

There are some EXCELLENT online Piano Tutors who tutor over Skype and Zoom with really sophisticated set ups. If it was me, I'd opt for one in the nearest city and do a mix of online and a longer in person session in the city every month or 6/8 weeks.

Fahbeep · 27/10/2023 08:35

@Mummysgogetter a new work colleague, became friends after thinking we wouldn't get on. Turned out we had identical sense of humour. Started supporting each other with work issues that were effective tung self-esteem, nothing untoward, both married, both with two kids, maybe some sense of tension in both marriages, but without ever getting into that discussion. Both approaching 40...

Boom, a deep sense of longing and attraction on my part anyway for the other person. Suspect it was reciprocated but locked it in a box!

It's a fantasy. You choose whether it escalates into an affair.

I didn't tell the other person how I felt, we both changed jobs a few months later, we're still in occasional contact about work projects (instructions/service provision). It fades, but like all forms of love, never goes completely.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 08:42

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 08:25

Absolutely!

When I told my crush (for want of a much more stronger word) I’d had feelings of Limerence for them for about 7 months and they had absolutely no idea.

None of my circle of friends would have a clue either.

I think the deep secrecy is what makes the strength of feelings even more intense.

Show quote history

@HeadAgainstWall0923 that's interesting - that he had never even picked up on it! I always thought that when we are that into someone, even if we are trying to hide it, our bodies give out 'leaks' so to speak and the other person can sense it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 08:42

All2Well · 27/10/2023 08:27

I'm neurodiverse and can generally get quite intense crushes as they basically become my special interest 😳.

Only once have I experienced limerance. It was awful and went on for a year until we graduated and he returned to his home country. It was really helpful for me to hear about it for the first time and learn what it is and how to stop it/avoid getting it. I've never had it since thankfully.

@All2Well oh wow - a year! I won't tell my friend that..... Do you have any specific advice on how to make it go away quicker?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 08:43

All2Well · 27/10/2023 08:31

Oh, and I never could have got over it fully while we still had to see each other regularly.

She will struggle unless she stops piano with him.

There are some EXCELLENT online Piano Tutors who tutor over Skype and Zoom with really sophisticated set ups. If it was me, I'd opt for one in the nearest city and do a mix of online and a longer in person session in the city every month or 6/8 weeks.

Sorry, just seen your second message...yeah looks like no contact is the way forward then....

OP posts:
All2Well · 27/10/2023 08:44

@Mummysgogetter Yes. Stop seeing them and don't stay in contact or follow them on social media! It won't go away by itself.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 08:46

Fahbeep · 27/10/2023 08:35

@Mummysgogetter a new work colleague, became friends after thinking we wouldn't get on. Turned out we had identical sense of humour. Started supporting each other with work issues that were effective tung self-esteem, nothing untoward, both married, both with two kids, maybe some sense of tension in both marriages, but without ever getting into that discussion. Both approaching 40...

Boom, a deep sense of longing and attraction on my part anyway for the other person. Suspect it was reciprocated but locked it in a box!

It's a fantasy. You choose whether it escalates into an affair.

I didn't tell the other person how I felt, we both changed jobs a few months later, we're still in occasional contact about work projects (instructions/service provision). It fades, but like all forms of love, never goes completely.

That sounds a complete nightmare @Fahbeep - at least my friend only has to see him a couple of times a week. Cannot begin to imagine what it was like to have to work closely with someone I felt that way about. Must have really wrecked your head. I know you said nothing untoward happened but did it cause trouble in your marriage?

OP posts:
HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 08:47

Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 08:42

@HeadAgainstWall0923 that's interesting - that he had never even picked up on it! I always thought that when we are that into someone, even if we are trying to hide it, our bodies give out 'leaks' so to speak and the other person can sense it.

Show quote history

Well it was actually another woman so I doubt it even crossed her mind as she assumed I was straight (she was also straight).

The only reason it got as bad as it did was because we spent a lot of time together as friends which is easily done when you’re both the same sex. Our children were best friends at school too so we had a lot of contact with each other that way as well.

I would never, ever have let myself get as close to them if they’d been a male because it would have been extremely inappropriate seeing as I was married. I would have completely kept my distance from the start.

Hibye23289 · 27/10/2023 08:50

The thing is your friend will be looking for every single sign of attraction from him and if he smiles for a second longer it will raise her dopamine level and make her think something is there, it is a very confusiing time, it's a horrible cycle to be stuck in!

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/10/2023 08:58

I only know about limerence because I thought I was googling as thought I was having some kind of breakdown/ was mentally unwell.

describing it as a crush does it not do it justice. A crush is like the tide coming in. Limerence is like a small tsunami. It's just engulfs you and is all consuming.

I was worried about keeping my job at one point.

I actually dated the object of my affection briefly but knew i had to end it as he was an awful person (like psychopath, dangerous, vengeful, remorseless) I got therapy after. The whole thing was traumatic I hope to never experience it again.

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 09:04

The low key flirting is worrying. It's possible he's the sort of person who is mildly flirtatious with everyone. Maybe he's realised making his pupils feel good helps keep them coming to his lessons. But it's also possible he's noticed the spark and is enjoying the ego boost and feeding it, even if to him it's harmless fun.
Whatever it is, she will be counting down the minutes until she sees him every time if she's feeling this way...
She doesn't have to give up piano to get distance though as @All2Well said, if she keeps seeing him she'll never break free, the grip is so strong!
I don't think anyone can get over it without something happening that is a massive turn off or NC. For some people it goes on for years!

dessertorchide · 27/10/2023 09:08

There’s also this thing that happens in your mind when you’re captured where every bit of nice or normal friendly behaviour is held up as a special sign of reciprocated love. It’s probably not real.

one of my spells lasted years. I remember thinking I would never ever go a a day without thinking about him. Now I can go months but it would have been impossible were we to still have any regular contact.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 09:15

Hibye23289 · 27/10/2023 08:50

The thing is your friend will be looking for every single sign of attraction from him and if he smiles for a second longer it will raise her dopamine level and make her think something is there, it is a very confusiing time, it's a horrible cycle to be stuck in!

@Hibye23289 Yes, this is very true. I am already hearing about how he held her glance a second too long etc. I have said to her to stick to the cold hard facts - i.e. he has not escalated it, he has not admitted feelings and both of them are married, so even if he did the aforementioned, it would be a disaster all round.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 09:17

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 09:04

The low key flirting is worrying. It's possible he's the sort of person who is mildly flirtatious with everyone. Maybe he's realised making his pupils feel good helps keep them coming to his lessons. But it's also possible he's noticed the spark and is enjoying the ego boost and feeding it, even if to him it's harmless fun.
Whatever it is, she will be counting down the minutes until she sees him every time if she's feeling this way...
She doesn't have to give up piano to get distance though as @All2Well said, if she keeps seeing him she'll never break free, the grip is so strong!
I don't think anyone can get over it without something happening that is a massive turn off or NC. For some people it goes on for years!

Yes, some of the things she's told me, I'm thinking what a douche bag - but then I'm also thinking would she even notice these ominous things if she wasn't attracted to him in the first place? It's not like he's admitted to feeling anything towards her or is in touch with her outside of her piano lesson.

OP posts:
Hibye23289 · 27/10/2023 09:29

Yes she is defo wanting to find signs. The problem is she is in a trance, as I have said previously it to me is a form of ocd and you can't easily break the cycle it is obsessive thoughts

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