Have you ever suffered from limerence?

[Mummysgogetter]

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

Basically every time I challenge him on how he's treated me he denies it says it's all in my head and I'm overthinking, thinking too deeply etc. I would never have behaved like this normally or with anyone else. I think he's a narcissist type. Never in the wrong although he says he would admit if he was in the wrong and always very honest etc. I think I just need to accept he'll never change and cut him off. I just feel annoyed that I ended up like this and he gets to walk away not feeling bad or anything

I definitely don't have limerance towards him any more. Just more of a general wtf happened feeling although occasionally a bit of a wistful missing the moment if that makes sense. But I know if anything had happened it would've been a dreadful mistake.

The thing to ask yourself before you contact again is what reaction are you hoping for?

It is unlikely to be the one you want. Also too much has happened for it to ever run smoothly in the unlikely event you did get together.

@Goodornot I definitely don't want to get together with him. I just want to know why I was tempted to nearly fuck up my life for him or this or whatever it is. Do I tell him I'm not contacting him anymore or just do it? Thanks for the words by the way. Very true and helpful

He can't tell you why you wanted to fuck your life for him. Only you can.

Please don't tell him you're not talking to him anymore. It's needy. You're not an airline you don't need to announce your departure.

There is a dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey.

@Goodornot you are so right. I did it before and we were only back in contact from him sending me inane pictures. So I need to just stop. I feel rude not saying anything but you are right. And I am being pathetic as well. Thank you for making me see sense

I'm getting some therapy too. And also I love your last line there. Going to have that in my head 😊

I do understand though all too well.

My limerent object changed his WhatsApp pic to him and his woman again. He wouldn't be with me and made excuses and strung me along.

Even though I don't want him back seeing that pic made me feel ill.

I've read and reread the Wiki about it and can't understand how it's different from a crush? Why does a strong crush need a different word? Surely the difference is why you're getting such a strong crush not just that it's stronger?

Anyway, yes. As a teenager. Not as an adult, unless you count those on completely unattainable celebs or whatever.

@Goodornot I'm sorry you went through that. What is wrong with these men. I never would have done anything with my limerant object but I feel like he has sort of tricked me somehow. I'm just done with thinking about him now. They are just pricks!

This sheds light on an intense, distressing ’best friendship’ I had as a teenager. I was obsessed with seeking her out every breaktime, desperate to work out what was going on in her head, saw her as special, unusual, the key to another world.

Interesting to see that limerence is not always primarily sexual, although stereotyped as such. The confusing thing for me about this experience was the complete lack of anything I could identify as sexual; in fact at the age of 14-16 it probably functioned to block such development, shielding me from the challenges of boyfriends and dating when I really didn’t feel ready. I wondered for a while whether I was gay and didn’t want to admit it (this was the 80s so not a great climate to be asking such things) but now I see it as akin to those attachments that happen in prison or single sex boarding schools.

@NumberFortyNorhamGardens I don’t think that’s that unusual though? Girl friendships during teens/early twenties tend to be quite intense don’t they

Maybe so, but I don’t think our culture takes them seriously enough. They’re always rather sneered at, dismissed or trivialised, or given a slightly inappropriate sexual angle (no doubt for the benefit of a male audience/readership). Nobody ever tells you these things are like falling in love, but weirder.

Checking in to log where I am. I posted upthread about a bout of bolt from the blue Limerence. An unexpected pass, we’re both married, still has
me weak kneed over a month later. I’m seeing him in a fortnight’s time. Fortunately I’m thinking about him less and in wonderful housewifely style spending my day off tidying and ironing shirts and just feeding it a little bit here and streaming songs

Glad you're doing ok @Affairnot. I'm up and down but mainly up. You can stay strong!

Thank you. I feel a bit of a fraud on this thread- it’s not so much Limerence as a viable proposition and I need to resist it.

@Affairnot if it helps I do a bit too as it was a similar thing but I did get a bit obsessive over the fact he wanted me more than I wanted him and now I've given him all the control I've realised this is about my mental health giving me something to focus on. So don't feel like a fraud. Talking here has helped me and I hope it's helped you. I messaged him the other day with a video from a gig and we chatted then he didn't reply and I haven't chased him or said anything deep so that's thanks to this thread giving me strength and focus

I know this is an old thread but I’m suffering so badly with this at the moment for a work colleague who flirts but I suspect just wants the ego boost…awful 😢 so painful. I feel like I’m abusing drugs; objectively I look at him and am shocked at how unattractive/plain his face is, but my nervous system still reacts to him as if he is the most beautiful man on earth. Many a time I have driven home crying with gut wrenching pain. I just want off this crazy merry-go-round.