Angry Shouty Parents Anonymous

[Fuckingmentalme]

Are you an angry shouty parent?
Are you constantly wound up?
Are you on the edge?
Do any unexpected noises that your children emit leave you twitching? Did you fail to produce perfect children who follow you like ducklings when you're out and about? Do they instead tumble out of the car shrieking war cries? Do they shriek a lot? Do they laugh in libraries? Do you have a large living room with plenty of space yet the children choose to sit practically on top of each other to do any activity and then each claim the other is annoying them?Do they ask you endless hypothetical questions? Do they repeat your answers driving you to the brink of insanity? Do they fight constantly?

If so then I do not have the answer but I am sick* of being angry and shouty. It makes me feel unwell. I want to stop today. *I'm inviting other ASPs to join me who also wish to stop. We can check in on each other and generally be nice and supportive.

I plan to separate or distract as soon as bickering or shrieking occurs. That's my plan. That's it. Wish me luck

Tbh angry and shouty is normal life unless you are highly privileged in finances, support, neurotypical children and partners, good health, employment …why are we trying to cancel out a normal human reaction or emotion. Obviously angry and shouty daily / weekly not ok ….. but once a month …. Meh , I’m so over trying to be someone that rarely exists In real life.

I am dealing with it wonderfully. I have dumped them at my mother's for the morning. I haven't shouted once since.

Now that's a plan.

Spot on. I am the daily type however.

Reading your op feels like you have been following me around and are describing my life.
I am not too angry and shouty as that is not my personality but I am always wound up and on edge. I can't decide what is worse the constant bickering and fighting with each other or the endless fucking questions about things that don't matter.
When you find the answer please let me know.

Not daily but definitely sometimes. The idea that one should maintain serene calm always is pernicious and wrong.

I am reminded of a scene from the Jodie Foster version of Freaky Friday.

Annabel: Everyone knows that mothers are kind and gentle and...

Mother: ANNABEL!!!!

Annabel: And Loud!

You sound exactly like me. And your description of your kids is eerily similar to mine. I used to think I was a really relaxed and content person. I don’t think I ever lost my temper or shouted at anyone my entire adult life until I had kids.

Looks around the room for spy cams...

A 7 seater car helps. Me up the front. The disgruntled one in the middle. The other at the rear. 😁

I'm not a naturally shouty person, I go a long way with patience, humour, advance notice, warnings etc... but I'm human and have a limit, and DS1 is a ND human with very small limits and it does often take a raised voice to cut through his chuntering internal monologue and actually establish contact and communication. I'm sure I've made people roll their eyes and come to terrible conclusions over the years, but sometimes gentle civility just doesn't sink in. Sometimes you do have to be loud, blunt and zero-tolerance on tiny things that have been psycologically breaking you for the past 8 hours DS2 tends to be a bit easier and more responsive, but he can rise to the provocation or just have days where his impulse control is floundering too.

I focus on the behaviour and am not rude about the child. They get a huge amount of positive time and attention and are generally well-intentioned children when not in each other's presence or highly stimulating environments like changing rooms or shops I must be doing OK really as their teachers like them and they're very civil at school.

Name changed as I am so ashamed. My kids get a lot of love and praise but I am utterly broken in my own life and my resilience is low, so I shout too. I know exactly when, when I am consumed with feelings of distress about my own life, when I am exhausted and miserable and just want everything to stop. I find the constant demands and questions hard too.

I hate it, it makes me hate myself and then I feel even more miserable, which lowers my resilience and so the cycle continues….

DS1's most aggravating feature is that he is drawn to what aggravates him. He doesn't want solutions, (e.g. go away from his annoying brother), he seems to want to aggravate himself into exploding and take control of the situation by dominating it. Logic collapses. It's like living with a Victor Meldrew/ Kevin the Teenager hybrid. No doubt the mental state is as frenetic as the physical behaviour would suggest. Unfortunately life doesn't have a "pause, calm and recharge" button, and certain situations can't be avoided and must be bludgeoned through.

It's a good job I love him! 😁
(He can also be really adorable... just not usually in public!)

The not leaving the room when a sibling is being annoying! Can totally relate.

I think it has to do with winning. If they leave the aggravating situation, the aggravator has won. So they can't.

I have twin boys who are almost 8. The squabbling (and hence shoutiness) is non stop

@SharpLily the few days I can drop one of my DC off with PIL are bliss my parents live too far away, PIL are nearby but can't cope with both DC any more. To be fair they're in their mid-70s and MIL is disabled - I completely appreciate it when they do help us out, but they've already said not to rely on them for any childcare at all during the school holidays <sobs quietly> so we will be spending £££ on holiday clubs instead...

@AnnotherReader DTS1 has ADHD and I'm also constantly on edge waiting for an explosion from him. They were daily (or more!) when he was very small, now we can go a few days between absolute meltdowns, but even now he's often looking for the 'high' he gets after a BOOM moment. I've been on courses about it and they've explained that it's because of the way his brain works - he's always looking for the next dopamine hit, which an anger explosion provides - but my heart sinks when I can see him picking at his brother to provoke it.

@BogRollBOGOF I'm at the point now of walking away when he starts exploding - as long as he's safe then I take DTS2 and we just go. There's no reasoning with him when the red mist descends

Can I join please. It resonated when you said shouting makes you feel unwell. I just feel so shit for being shouty. We need strategies….

@Pastmylimit it is hard. Let's try to change it. My kids have driven me to tears with their incessant whining, fighting and shrieking.
@Magnoliainbloom absolutely! I'm going with distract or isolate. The shouting is like water off a duck's back anyway.

I'm not trying to be perfect, I get shouting is normal but I really do shout way too much.

OK. How did we (those who want to shout less) do today? My youngest was quite trying today. Suspect that he was over tired, generally horrible. Have had cross words but actually haven't shouted. Well maybe voice a tiny bit raised at times but that's to GET THE POINT ACROSS. Bickering started as I cooked dinner, I separated them and didn't shout or get ranty.

I never wanted to be angry shouty mum. Mine stares me in the eyes and does the exact thing I've asked them not to. I have to try not to just go Whyyyyy!

Joining

YES - I'M HERE, FGS!

(Sorry)

Not helped by husband asking me where various things are like I'm some sort of finding service

Mine too. Mine too. whispers menacingly under breath through gritted teeth Why did you fucking do that? I fucking told you not to.
Child: oh sorry mum. Didn't hear you. Did you say not to do that?
Me: yes I'm quite cross
proceeds to do it again.
Child: this?

Yes!

But then does exactly what grandma asks them to!

Also same. How the fuck should I know?
What?
Nothing darling, have you tried opening your eyes and you know, looking?
That's why I'm better at finding things because I don't open a door and look blankly in front of me and give up.

HELLO!

Oh this is me when my middle child doesn't listen. The only way to get him to listen is it I really shout at him. I hate shouting; and when they in bed I feel guilty. Plus my OH gets really annoyed when I really shout. Says he makes him feel on edge, my reply to to him is... if you actually helped me parent the children then I wouldn't get so stressed and need to shout. It's alright for him as he's sitting on sofa watching me struggle daily. Doesn't lift a finger to help; and wonders why I get stressed and angry!

Oooh can I join please. I shouted at my 3 year old this evening that I didn’t want to hear the word Muuuuuuuuuuum again!

I read something the other day that said you can only gentle parent a gentle child. I do not have gentle children!!