Angry Shouty Parents Anonymous

[Fuckingmentalme]

Are you an angry shouty parent?
Are you constantly wound up?
Are you on the edge?
Do any unexpected noises that your children emit leave you twitching? Did you fail to produce perfect children who follow you like ducklings when you're out and about? Do they instead tumble out of the car shrieking war cries? Do they shriek a lot? Do they laugh in libraries? Do you have a large living room with plenty of space yet the children choose to sit practically on top of each other to do any activity and then each claim the other is annoying them?Do they ask you endless hypothetical questions? Do they repeat your answers driving you to the brink of insanity? Do they fight constantly?

If so then I do not have the answer but I am sick* of being angry and shouty. It makes me feel unwell. I want to stop today. *I'm inviting other ASPs to join me who also wish to stop. We can check in on each other and generally be nice and supportive.

I plan to separate or distract as soon as bickering or shrieking occurs. That's my plan. That's it. Wish me luck

I have to desperately remind myself in the moment that shouting will just make things worse - my DC always burst into tears when I’m angry, so the emotion levels dramatically escalate!

Also, I realised that often I’m not primarily angry with them, I’m in an irritable mood because of something else, and they tip me over the edge. So for example I’d get back from work and immediately rush to start cooking dinner, and I’d shout at them because I’m hungry, uncomfortable, stressed etc, they start jabbering at me, and I’m just taking it out on them by getting annoyed. So started to take 5 minutes first to change out of work clothes into comfy trackies, have a drink/snack (whilst hiding behind kitchen door to avoid the ‘why aren’t we allowed a biscuit right before dinner but you are?’ discussions) and it put me in a much better frame of mind.

@BertieBotts I've been wondering whether to get Siblings Without Rivalry for ages. I'm definitely going to get it now. I would say the bickering is the WORST thing about having 2 or more kids. I never thought it would drive me mad. My mum used to get so cross and upset with us and I see why

Right troops. Here's to another day of no shouting. Check in. Vent if needed.

Siblings Without Rivalry is excellent. I have worked hard on that and seen the results. Of course they quarrel but they often help each other and play nicely.

I think when I shout it's borne of my own worry of outside judgement.

Fucking hell its 8.20 and I already want to chuck myself off a bridge

DC1 (4) has woken up, sulked that she can’t sit on my lap as I drink hot coffee, refused to let me tie her hair up, said she’s not hungry and doesn’t want her cereal (but doesn’t want me to take it away) and suddenly burst into tears as the chairs at the table are the ‘wrong way round’, she’s now rearranged them and is sat slurping her cereal in the most disgusting way, spilling most of it

My voice already sounds fed up, the baby was up 4 times in the night and I’m knackered

I just want to climb into bed and put earplugs in

@Sweetashunni stay strong, you got this.
I often tell myself in those 'approaching cliff edge' moments that it's ok to feel the emotion (anger, frustration) but I don't need to act on it. So feel it but don't act it.
<So much easier said than done>

Here has been pretty good. One of those surprisingly under control mornings with no shouting <touching wood everywhere>

Yes I haven’t shouted but just feel very weary. It doesn’t help that I’m so tired even walking up the stairs makes my legs ache, my whole body just feels like lead 😕 the baby is a whopper and so heavy to carry around. My back is in shreds and I just feel like a bit of a shell physically and mentally if I’m honest.

Planning on taking them to the park shortly and staying out as long as we can manage because being cooped up at home is just shit and makes it worse

Glad your morning has got off to a good start x

I'm sure this all causes some kind of PTSD over the years. There is nowhere else in life where you would be expected to cope with such relentless aggrevation coupled with boredom and frustration.

Very strong boundaries probably help.

Hope your day has improved. We've been out playing all morning and now the kids are being quiet after lunch eating sweets and watching TV.

• knelt down to his eye level and took his hands in mine (he is a physically affectionate child)
• said "I'm really sorry I shouted at you, that was rude and wrong of me."

I feel like I might be reading too many American family psychology/parenting articles, but bloody hell I hope it's working

not at all. Apologising is essential. If your friend suddenly screamed aggressively at you you’d damn well expect an apology wouldn’t you?

Children don’t understand adults emotions so taking a second to explain really helps. I always tell my daughter that in the mornings I’m sometimes a bit stressed so if we help each other prepare and get ready for school/ work there will be less annoyance and more happy fun times. She helps me loads now. Sometimes just explaining works. Ditto with inane questions. Sometimes I say ‘I love your questions but I’m questioned out for a bit do you mind if I lie on my bed alone for 5 mins then I’ll be back.’ And she’s fine with that. Children are reasonable (usually)if you are with them too.

I am crap at timing the apologies. I try to do it too soon and I feel like they don't want to hear it. Or it sounds insincere from me. Or I feel like I'm saying it over again and that isn't very helpful.

What doesn't help and really bothers me at the moment is if DH loses it he won't apologise and even says something like "Well you need to listen and then I won't do that" (even though he would not deliberately shout/threaten as a punishment).

@BertieBotts try not to over think it. We normally have some space then I apologise. Although my mother is great and was more in control than I am, she didn't apologise often and sometimes she needed to. I think my apologies can sound forced because I didn't grow up with it

I disagree. We’re not their friends, we’re their parents. I wouldn’t apologise to my kids unless I smacked them. But a bit of shouting? No, if they push my buttons they need to learn there are consequences and other people have feelings too. I explain to a certain extent but don’t ‘justify’ everything I ask my children to do. We’re ‘equals’ in terms of human value (well, my children are more valuable than me) but not equal in the power dynamic. I don’t think shouting all the time is a good parenting technique (hence me being on this thread), but treating your kids like they have just as much say in their lives as you do just creates entitlement and a lack of obligation to others. They grow up thinking their feelings are the centre of the universe when real life simply isn’t like that.

@Sweetashunni I do not apologise if I raise my voice, if my patience has been sorely tested but I'm in control of the situation.

When I lose control and scream then I believe I should apologise. We want our children to respect us and be influenced positively by us. Do you respect an adult who screams his or her head off? I simply tune out. Shouting can be an effective tool when it is a rare occasion and the shouter is generally a calm and in control person. People think "shit they've been pushed too far"

Apologising to your children isn't a weakness. It's good to teach them that adults make mistakes and apologise. That's a sign of real maturity

To us perhaps, but to be honest I don’t remember an adult ever apologising to me as a small child, I think it just places adult emotions on them that they’re not really capable of understanding - kids don’t develop empathy until 4 and remorse until 5-7. I haven’t really screamed at my kids, if I did I would probably just resolve to try really hard not to do it again.

How is everyone doing? We've had some tantrums and fighting but we're OK. Dinner is nearly ready. The end of the day is in sight.

Awful. Currently pretending to be on the toilet but sat crying in the bathroom. I can hear DD crying downstairs. Took her out for a milkshake and she kept pulling her hat over her face and bumping into people (narrow pavement next to busy road), told her to cut it out otherwise I would take the hat. She did it again, I took the hat, screaming meltdown (her not me) all the way home. Had to grip her with one hand and steer the pram with the other to stop her running off. I’m tired of this shit. She was really well behaved until about 6 months ago, I don’t understand what’s happened. I just can’t trust her to do anything - ANYTHING - normally or safely. She can’t hold a cup without spilling it, can’t walk down the road without messing about and almost ending up on the road.

I’m mentally drained by my kids and today I feel like I just want to run away. Nothing I do works, I try so hard to be a good mum but it doesn’t even matter. What do you do when they just will not listen? When you’ve asked nicely 3 times, explained why you need them to do X or Y? And they’re still not doing it? What then?

And to add to my woes, my whole life just feels like it’s against me right now. We have no money, our fixed rate ended a couple of months ago and it’s gone up by £400. I’m on maternity leave so things were tight as they were but I don’t have any money to do anything nice, or something just to cheer myself up. I can’t drive, I’m stuck in this house 95% of the time when I’m not going for park walks or to the 1 baby group that runs locally. I have no friends here, for some reason I thought it would be a great idea to move for work to an area I know nobody. They’re all 2 hours away. I’m lonely. I can’t remember the last time I did anything fun. I would urge anyone reading this who is considering whether to start a family to think twice or at least make sure you can drive, have plenty of money and live somewhere close to friends and family before you do it.

I managed today by walking into the bathroom several times and just sitting and breathing.

I just heard mummy mummy mummy too many times. I wanted to cry.

[FLOWERS]

Sorry @Sweetashunni I failed in the flower emoji but the thought was there!

Aw. Bedtime soon. That sounds like a shit day. She's acting up because she's jealous of the baby. Can DH take the kids out at some point so you can get a break? Is she getting any 1-1 time.
I feel guilty for how I was with the eldest when my youngest was a baby. I was definitely too stern

I'm calm but I need the youngest in bed asap. He's cried a lot but I've kept my boundaries. Other days when he's been like this, I've definitely cried and shouted

I currently have a raging, itchy hive stress rash snaking up over my side and waist. It flares up over the years when they are particularily causing me stres. Purely from the stress of dealing with the constant fucking moaning of the kids days in and day out and the demands and the bickering and the state of the house..."I don't waaaaaannnaa go to schoooool!", "school is boooooooring!", "MUUUUUUUUM!!!!!! MUUUUUUMMM!!!!! He took my pen!".

And. So. Fucking. On.

I am absolutely ashamed to say "Oh my god, just shut up!" has come out of my mouth....the constant forcing down of the stress of it all and rageyness has caused such a hive flair up. I can't even drink alcohol to try and cope.

I used to be angry and shouty I now realise I was very stressed and most importantly perimemopsusal. I'm now post menopausal and much more chilled. Worth checking out?