Angry Shouty Parents Anonymous

[Fuckingmentalme]

Are you an angry shouty parent?
Are you constantly wound up?
Are you on the edge?
Do any unexpected noises that your children emit leave you twitching? Did you fail to produce perfect children who follow you like ducklings when you're out and about? Do they instead tumble out of the car shrieking war cries? Do they shriek a lot? Do they laugh in libraries? Do you have a large living room with plenty of space yet the children choose to sit practically on top of each other to do any activity and then each claim the other is annoying them?Do they ask you endless hypothetical questions? Do they repeat your answers driving you to the brink of insanity? Do they fight constantly?

If so then I do not have the answer but I am sick* of being angry and shouty. It makes me feel unwell. I want to stop today. *I'm inviting other ASPs to join me who also wish to stop. We can check in on each other and generally be nice and supportive.

I plan to separate or distract as soon as bickering or shrieking occurs. That's my plan. That's it. Wish me luck

@BertieBotts
the problem is that gentle parenting advice only really works if you're starting from a position of being fairly no-nonsense, really confident as a leader, unafraid of conflict and have strong boundaries. If you're much less confident, conflict avoidant, people-pleasing, afraid to upset your child and wishy washy then the standard gentle parenting advice will be a total disaster. It took me a long time to realise that.

You've hit the nail on the head there. It took me a while to grow as an adult and learn boundaries and to not be a people-pleaser. I'm not too bad with adults now but with my kids I have weak boundaries. I don't know where they are until it's too late. And yes I do get afraid I'll upset them and doubt myself. This ironically leads to my being shouty and absolutely not gentle.

You are my people. I have got a lot better, putting my phone down and being there in the moment really helps. Although it's not always possible if course!

Just discovered your thread - joining

Joining in. DS1 is 2.8 months and DS2 is due shortly. I find if I am rested, well fed, in control of my day I am a lot less shouty. The problem is I work full time, so as DH, and we have no family help nearby. So on a typical day, I am stressed, in a rush, and generally trying to cram in the impossible into 24 hours, and that's when the wheels come off the wagon. Having to repeat requests multiple times, especially in the morning trying to get out of the house on time. Just like you @BertieBotts it starts out ok, but by the 5th time asking I roll out 'Batman voice'.

Thanks for the recommendations on this thread, I will definitely look into them.
Here is to tomorrow, with less shouting. ☕

Shouted at DS yesterday.
I was stressing out over something else unrelated, and the constant (and frankly, fucking inane) chat when he should have been in the shower... argh!
Anyway, when he came downstairs after his shower, I:

• knelt down to his eye level and took his hands in mine (he is a physically affectionate child)
• said "I'm really sorry I shouted at you, that was rude and wrong of me."

He said "it's okay, mum.." (knife through my heart!) but I told him something like "no, it isn't, I shouldn't have done that. I was stressed and took it out on you, that's not fair. I am really sorry."

I feel like I might be reading too many American family psychology/parenting articles, but bloody hell I hope it's working.

✋🏼

I've already been working on this lately (last 2 weeks say) my 3 year old is driving me insane lately.
Time to brush teeth - hides under chair/ bed/ duvet.
Time to get shoes on- runs away hides under tables etc
Wriggly little thing she is as well... and my son will add in helpful things that encourages her so I end up shouting "Right stop telling her where to hide... come on we've got to get going or we'll be late, come on now!"
But I've been trying to say things like "if you get your shoes on now we will have time to grab a book or toy before we leave but if you stay under the table we won't have time" like a bloody hostage negotiator.
My son has also caught on and is actually now helping me come up with ways to get her out from hiding, but I need all the tips I can get...

I am this parent. Although
I am getting better.

@BertieBotts it's a technique used to deal with any narcissistic folk in your life, be boring and don't rise. Not saying my kids are narcs but 6&4 are a fairly self centered age!

My eldest has ADHD so will push buttons to get a dopamine fix. I've stopped rising to it by saying everything in a very calm, boring manner ad infinitum. If she's still being a dick I'll walk off.

I've also started telling her how hurtful her behaviour is to be sure she knows I'm a person with feelings too and not some mummy robot.

Also, breakfast club and after-school club help a lot. Also lifting really heavy things.

My 3 yo is exactly the same and you've reminded me that I have the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen. Full of great tips like yours. I need to be more playful with him.

This is my life with kids too, I swore you had a camera in my home!

I am here for this thread. My shouting is generally low level 'raised voice' type stuff but every couple of weeks I have an absolute explosion that just upsets everybody and makes me feel so ashamed and guilty. It's triggered by everything already mentioned up thread, juggling too much stuff, lack of time and space for myself, and the very worst one: noise. DH is very hands both practically and with the mental load, but I am just alone with both children much more often due to working less hours and it's totally exhausting.

I have two boys, 5 and 2 - eldest is extremely bright and determined, a vertiable tornado of ideas and questions. We're very close and I've always tried hard to engage with his interests, be responsive to him and stretch his intellect. But lately at home he won't STOP. TALKING. to me, won't play without me, wants science experiments all the time or complicated made up games. Juggling that, stuff like the dinner and tidying, as well as his toddler brother, my brain is usually ready to explode by bedtime.

I need to set stronger boundaries but like I said he is extremely determined and quite cleverly manipulative (in a developmentally-appropriate way) and his emotional regulation only goes so far so he struggles to handle disappointment. I can't cope with him shouting at me whilst his brother is also crying or grizzling about one thing or another and that's when I end up losing it. I am dreading the summer holidays and desperately want to avoid being shouty mcshouty face who explodes at the end of the day.

I’m in! I actually got this book from the library yesterday, as I am so fed up with being shouty.

I haven’t read it all yet - but it did lose me when it said you need to share the mental & physical parenting load. It acknowledges that single mums may not have an amicable baby daddy/ex, but her solution was to find another adult to share the load with. Which basically confirmed to me that doing it all alone is just bloody hard - no wonder I get shouty! But not quite the solution there that I was after.

How To Talk is really really great. I call it my parenting bible.

There is an app. It's by Mythic Owl. You need to pay a couple of £ but it's worth it IF you think you'll have the awareness to notice when you're about to shout and pause and grab your phone, it's like a cheat sheet for what I want to do but forget to do in the moment.

The app is most useful if you've already read the book but obviously don't have the entire book downloaded in your head ready to whip out at a moment's notice

When DS1 was little we had how to talk threads on here and someone made a brilliant cheat sheet which they stuck to the fridge. I suppose the app is the 2020s version of that!

Reluctantly joining the shouty mum club. I don’t want to be in the shouty mum club. I don’t want to be like my mum was to me. Im desperately trying to keep my cool. I suspect I’m failing miserably.

Signing in 👋🏾
I've gone back to hot yoga this week as a way of finding an outlet (less wine) and some balance in the hope that I can channel more patience and peace with my two DS (8 & 5).

So much relatable posts above. I needed this thread.
I plan yo check out the resources recommended.

\i've just gone to Amazon to order the famous 'How to...' but there seem to be loads of different versions! Which one is the original?

I can't guarantee it'll work but I try similar with mine because my mother (acknowledged by the whole family) has NEVER been able to apologise or admit she's wrong and I know the effect that had on me growing up. Doesn't mean you're doing everything else perfectly 😃 but I'd say you're spot on with that particular routine. Would have really helped if just occasionally my own mother had done that.

Count me in

The original is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

This is best for kids age 4+ (but I did read it when DS1 was about 2 or 3 and found it useful) it assumes very good speech and does contain a few tips which are more suited for older kids who have a degree of independence. It is also a little bit dated as it was originally written in the 80s - the examples of what not to say or what the parent wants to say are a bit 😬- BUT - still an excellent book and still useful for sure, plus it's the original!

Most people today start with How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen... which is by Joanna Faber - Adele's daughter! - and her friend Julie King. Joanna and Julie are active and run online workshops, give interviews on podcasts etc - they are lovely and I find them so comforting to listen to. This book is aimed at parents of children roughly aged 2-7, it has more tips for children with not so much language, more around tantrums etc. It's also more modern with more up to date examples about what you might want to say, and I think it's a little more accessible.

Then the other popular one is Siblings Without Rivalry which is about the sibling relationship and what to do/what not to do to ease friction. It has a bit on topics like problem solving, sharing, fighting, allocating resources but this is less hands on than the other two.

The rest of them I wouldn't bother with TBH.

And you don't need to read both the original and the Little Kids one. There is so much crossover it's not worth it. (I bought 2 copies of the original and one of the little kids).

Siblings without rivalry has enough separate ground it's worth reading even if you've read one of the others.

💐💐💐 you're not the worst mum ever x

I think I’m more like Miss Trunchbull to my oldest. She told me today, very casually (not during any disagreement) that I smell and ‘you need to have a few more baths mummy okay?’

Don’t worry it’s just the usual nonsense little kids say, I told myself as I sniffed my armpits every half hour just to check 😭

That’s really interesting. I have been to an in-person talk with Sarah OS and she exactly is, a confident, no nonsense natural leader, unafraid of conflict and with strong boundaries ( she had some real rammies with the audience and was completely unfazed by them!)
I also feel the amount of resilience you have as a parent affects your ability to stay calm. I have very little left. Every time one of the kids starts to kick off and I just feel myself sort of crumble and die inside.